Madonna Seemingly Came Out As “Gay” On TikTok
Instagram filters and the surgeon’s knife/a couple of lumpy Motel 6 pillows shoved down the back of your tights will only take you so far when trying to express how you truly feel inside. Over the past couple of years, Madonna‘s gradually let us know that she self-identifies as a 26-year-old, “sex obsessed“ Black woman who may or may not dabble in the sapphic arts. But Madonna’s physical and aesthetic transformations over the years have done little to announce the more substantive identity that has apparently been emanating from her pussy. Though she’s never been one to shy away from letting it all hang out, Madge became uncharacteristically coy about her sexuality on TikTok over the weekend, enticing her viewers to interpret the results of a complex (by Madonna’s standards) Rube Goldberg-esque series of events to determine if the woman who we previously assumed was primarily interested in dick, is in fact, gay. Like “gay” gay, not just “pop star ramming her tongue down the throat of every man, woman, recent child and goat for attention” gay as perpetually demonstrated.
Madonna has long since proven herself as an ally to the LGTBQ+ community by making millions of dollars off of Voguing, so it’s not like she’s one to balk at the stigma associated with any part of that acronym. However, in her TikTok, Madonna took a page from Florida Governor Ron Desantis’ “Don’t Say Gay” playbook and let her fingers to the talking instead. And not in the sexy way of digitally adroit lesbians. Instead of saying, “oh, by the way, I’m gay!,” Madonna stood in her opulent bathroom and threw a giant pair of pink granny pannies towards a trash can over text that reads “If I miss, I’m gay!” Reader, she missed.
@madonna♬ original sound – nudy georges
Frankly, I’m less shocked that Madonna may have come out as gay than I am at her coming out as a 64-year-old woman! It’s rare that Madge lets her see her unfiltered face, but it’s difficult to exhibit the full scope of one’s identity while veiled behind a face that looks like a new-in-box special-edition Circuit Party Bratz doll. Newsweek reminds us that in the past, Madonna has said she thinks “everybody has a bisexual nature” and has said “I won’t say I have never slept with a woman but…I love men,” so many have long assumed she was bi. So while Madonna’s natural look TikTok seemingly contradicts her previous assertion that she put the Y in YMCA, it does confirm her assertion that she put the L, G, B, Q and + in LGTBQ+. And PinkNews reports that model Jenny Shimizu claimed that Madonna once used her as a “sex slave” and required that she be “available any time of the day or night for secret sex sessions.” None of which is as surprising as seeing Madonna’s actual face!
Now, of course, the skeptic in me is picking up the distinct aroma of burnt stunt emanating from her recent collaboration with “Dominican rapper and sexual content creator” Tokischa, the video for which finds our immaculately conceived baby gay simulating oral sex on a sideways hamburger. He’s a nibble.
Not to mention her recently announced potential world tour for 2023, which will perhaps be titled Lick a Virgin. Again, Madonna calling herself gay is about as surprising as Madonna calling herself the queen of New York Pride. Who knows, perhaps Madonna has actually contemplated her mortality and is laying the ground for what will become her final and greatest stunt to date — having her casket driven through the NYC pride parade with a plaque that reads “she wasn’t for everyone, but she *was*
for one of us.” Who can arrange?