The scent of a two day old clambake and rotten coagulated crab protein was in the air in Malibu yesterday when Wonky McValtrex threw a Fourth of July party for her friends including Christina Milian and Brian Grazer. You know it’s a good party when nearly every guest has a look on their face that says, “I’m just here for the coke.”
I spent my Fourth of July getting drunk on vodka and cranberry sodas while lounging in an inflatable pool in the backyard, so I thought I had the best Fourth of July, but I was wrong. Wonky’s crotch crabs obviously had the best Fourth ever, because they got to frolic in the sands of Malibu and reunite with their kind!
Here’s some extremely crystal clear and riveting pictures of Katy Perry and her on-and-off-again hump piece John Mayer holding hands while leaving the Don Rickles Roast in NYC last night. Katy recently told Vogue that she’s not licking John Mayer’s taint anymore and that she needs to take some time to figure out why she keeps dating emotionally messed up crazy bitches.
“All I can say about that relationship is that he’s got a beautiful mind. Beautiful mind, tortured soul. I do have to figure out why I am attracted to these broken birds.”
Translation: Ain’t no dick like crazy dick.
ABC News says that Katy didn’t show up with John Mayer last night, because who wants to be seen walking into a room with John Mayer? She showed up when dinner already started and spent the rest of the night “canoodling” with him. So I guess this means that they’re doing it again, but Katy Perry is not right for kkkockblocking Paula Deen. Poor Paula Deen has lost her TV shows and has been done wrong by ham (AGAIN), and she can’t cry on John Mayer’s David Duke dick, because Katy Perry’s on it. Damn you, Katy Perry!
And I don’t know if Katy Perry is holding up her dress while walking down those stairs or if she’s grabbing her coochie because it keeps trying to jump off her body since it knows what’s going to happen next. First Russell Brand and then John Mayer again and again? Hasn’t Katy Perry’s chocha been through enough?!
I don’t know if Kanye West is throw an Illuminati gang sign or he’s showing us what his legs are going to do later that night since Kim isn’t in town.
Kanye West celebrated his sweet 36th birthday at Miss Lily’s in NYC last night with a not-knocked-up Beyonce, Jay-Z, Scott Disick, Jonathan Cheban, Nas, Aziz Ansari and David Blaine. Not on the guest list was Kim Kardashian. Everyone can say that Kim is nearly 9 months pregnant with little Kanyetta Krayola West Kardashian and isn’t allowed to fly, but since when does that heffa care about the well-being of her unborn child? You know bitch would’ve put her pregnant ass on a plane to get a photo-op with Kanye and Beyonce. Kanye probably told her that he’s just going to have a quiet night at home and watch Behind the Candelabra again while eating an Entenmann’s german chocolate cake.
Well, Jonathan Cheban (looking like Brian Peppers’ swag coach), is a fart permanently stuck to Kim’s ass, so I guess he was there representing her. I guess.
As z-listers and reality show has-beens celebrated the upcoming arrival of the Illuminati’s newest chosen one, Kim Kardashian’s best friend (in her head) Beyonce and Kanye West’s favorite cuddle time partner Jay-Z were on the other side of the country. Beyonce and Jay-Z couldn’t make it because they had more pressing matters to tend to like making sure his shoes are perfectly untied. I’m sure Beyonce and Jay-Z sent over a baby shower gift in the form of a restraining order keeping Kim and Kanye’s daughter Krisonda Yeezus from getting near Blue Ivy Carter, because Pimp Mama Kris is already whispering about putting the two in an arranged lesbian marriage.
And yes, Jay-Z, I do blame society for the reason why both of you queef diamond-encrusted hundred dollar bills.
Here’s more pictures, if you need them, of Beyonce and Jay-Z leaving a movie theater in NYC. Usually when they go to the movies, they buy out the entire theater so they won’t have to inhale the dirty fumes of peasants. But they went to see After Earth, so they didn’t have to worry about anybody else being in the theater with them.
I know that what you really needed today was a video of come-to-life subway seat stain Ke$hit pissing into a cut off plastic water bottle before drinking it. On last night’s Ke$ha: My Crazy Life, a co-production between the CDC and MTV, Ke$hit’s friend tells her that drinking your own pee pee is supposed to be good for you, so she decides to do it.
You know, I call SHE-NAN-AH-GANS! I contacted someone at the CDC (no, I didn’t) and they told me (no, they didn’t) that Ke$ha’s pee is the color of battery acid, smoke wafts off of it and when she pees, you can hear the high-pitched screeches from her crotch crabs as they get burned alive. That’s not her piss. That’s obviously Crystal Light lemonade. You so not edgy, Ke$hit.
E! confirmed through multiple “sources” last week that Beyonce, Jay-Z and the rest of the world will soon be graced by another infinite holy one of eternal light, because they said a fetus checked into her womb. But apparently, Old Man Ebro of Hot 97 (via Kid Fury) heard straight from the
horse’s camel’s mouth that Beyonce is not pregnant with baby Lavender Flytrap Carter. Old Man Ebro is e-mail friends with Jay-Z and he sent J a congratulatory e-mail a few days ago. Jay-Z responded back with this:
“It’s not true. The news is worse than blogs.”
The news is worse than the blogs?! That hurts like a hot sauce enema. As a blogger, I’ve always prided myself on being the absolute worst, so it makes me sad knowing that the head of the Illuminati’s New York office thinks the news is trashier than the blogs. I have got to do worser.
The forgotten children of Destiny who aren’t already part of Beyonce and Jay-Z’s household staff might want to forward their resumes to House of Dereon’s human resources department, because they might be looking for a second team of nannies. E!’s sources say that the rumors that Blue Ivy Carter’s sibling is baking in a womb right now are true. Apparently, Beyonce is knocked up with a bey-be.
E! didn’t have any information other than that. But if this blind item from Blind Gossip is true, then Beyonce is having twins:
This married couple has a fascinating dilemma on their hands!
They tried to get pregnant. After a miscarriage, they went the surrogate route. The surrogate produced a happy, healthy baby.
The couple decided that they wanted another child. Logically, they decided to hire a surrogate again. The surrogate got pregnant… but so did the wife!
The couple is totally shocked! Both pregnancies are still very early on, and there is no guarantee that both women will carry to term, so there will no announcements for a while. But they are already talking about the possibilities.
If both women can successfully carry to term, will they keep both children? Admit to a surrogate? Pretend that the wife gave birth to twins? If only the surrogate carries successfully to term, will they admit to the surrogate? Pretend that the wife gave birth?
It certainly is an interesting dilemma!
If they have twins, they can name one Red Vines and the other one White Fern. Red, White and Blue! All the colors of the
American Cuban flag!
This is what it would look like if Madame Maxime and Hagrid got really drunk and high one night and accidentally drank a potion, which turned her into a soulless, regular-sized Death Eater and him into a gay, beardless giant. What’s even more terrifying are those twin pillars of vomit on Andre Leon Talley’s hooves. ALT probably thought that he was fancying up those dark-sided Lucifer boots by monogramming his initials onto them. Nice try, Gay Hagrid, but a monogrammed pile of nut-embedded hyena shit is still a pile of nut-embedded hyena shit.
Actually, monogramming them is worse, because it’s telling the world that you’re claiming those horrifying boots made from the intestines of Satan’s slaves. If they weren’t monogrammed, ALT could say that the Illuminati kidnapped his entire family and made him spread the evil by wearing those UGGs. I might believe that story. But the fact that his initials are on them tells me that he’s actually proud to wear the Ninth Circle’s boot of choice. I barely even noticed ALT’s purple silk pajama pants and the oversized Christmas tree skirt on his body, which shows you the evil power of UGGs. And Anna Wintour is smirking, which means she’s totally in on it. Evil whores, the both of them.
You better cleanse your screen with holy water wipes as soon as you click away from this mess.
And here’s others at The Great Gatsby premiere in NYC last night. They’re all unholy bitches for not throwing holy water at ALT’s UGGs when they had the chance. In order: Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Carey Mulligan, Isla Fisher, Florence Welch, Tobey Maguire with his wife (the hell kind of toddler church outfit is she wearing?), Baz Luhrmann with Catherine Martin, Jay-Z, Anjelica Huston, Martha Stewart (wearing her favorite sequined capri leggings) and Joel Edgerton.
Paris is currently being cleansed the ethereal light shooting off of the chosen one’s invisible halo, because Blue Ivy Carter is there with Beyonce and Jay-Z and all of them ate food at a restaurant today. B.I.C. is barely 1 years old and she’s already taller than Kevin Hart (but who isn’t?), which means that she’s going to be at least 8 feet tall. That’s the way nature intended her to be, because then she can really look down at the peons below her. And I’m sure everybody who publishes these pictures will soon get a letter from Blue Ivy Carter’s lawyers, because I see her throwing a “you know I have to approve these pictures before you publish, right?” side-eye. Just like her mom!
And this is what Kanye’s face looks like when he’s with Kim Kartrashian:
Kanye West ranted about how Jay-Z’s song with Justin Timberlake Suit & Tie should really be called Shit & Die, but his opinion didn’t break them up and Jay-Z is still Kanye’s third real love (his first being himself and his second being his MacBook Air). When Kanye saw Jay-Z coming out of a car in SoHo yesterday, he lit up like Givenchy just gave him a year supply of leather skirts. He lit up like he does when he sees his own reflection in the mirror over his bed in the morning. He lit up like I’d light up if I found a stash of weed in a bag of Andy Capp Hot Fries. Kanye was so happy he could’ve farted out his Hermes butt plug.
And then later, when he met up with Kim his happy face melted into a sad face. Kanye looked like someone just pooted on his MacBook Air. He looked like someone said “SIKE!” after telling him that Givenchy just offered him a year supply of leather skirts. He was the saddest Gay Fish in all the land. Okay, he might’ve smiled like once when he was with Kim, but we all know why that happened:
So, Kim, when Kanye cracks a smile around you, it’s only because he’s thinking of Jay, bitch. He’s thinking of Jay…