I’m pretty sure that’s how Contagion started.
In the war room of the CDC, top scientists and infectious diseases specialists are working on a plan to drop a quarantine tent around the entire state of Florida before the super STD that was born yesterday morning crosses state lines and destroys us all. Art Basel, the Coachella for the art world, is happening in Miami right now and so many celebrity gutter tramps are currently terrorizing Florida. E! News says that a CDC nightmare was created at the Miami club E11EVEN early yesterday morning when Miley Cyrus’ toxic yeast rod of a tongue made its way into Wonky McValtrex’s mouth. To quote whoever wrote on that wall in 28 Days Later: REPENT/THE END IS/EXTREMELY/FUCKING/NIGH!
Several sources tell E! that after Jeremy Scott’s Moschino Barbie party, Miley dragged her silent twink boy toy Patrick Schwarzenegger to E11EVEN where they met up with Wonky. Since Miley Cyrus would stick her tongue in a naked mole rat’s asshole if it got her attention and Wonky is forever a 16-year-old straight girl who thinks making out with other girls at the club is ~edgy~, those two cochinas mouth fucked. It’s Valtrex’s answer to Taylor and Karlie.
The massive celeb-studded party that is Art Basel Miami showed no signs of dying down last night (or this morning), with Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton keeping the anything-goes action going by making out in the wee hours at E11EVEN, a cabaret/nightclub in South Beach, multiple sources tell E! News.
As Patrick watched, he thought to himself, “Gurrrl, better Wonks than me.”
If you put a microscope magnifying glass up to Miley and Wonky’s mouths as they made out, it probably looked like the Battle of Gettysburg. All those strains of diseases battling each other. I wonder which one won out? I’m going with herpes.
And here’s Miley transferring Wonky’s saliva to Patrick while hanging out with twink pilgrim Cody Simpson at some restaurant in Miami Beach.
Pics: Splash, Getty
A strange things keeps happening… Human women are still willingly fucking Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty without lining their coochie tunnels with Tyvek and covering themselves with liquid antibiotics before squeezing into two full-body condoms specially made by NASA. Human chicks with working brains are still letting Dreamboat bust raw nuts up in ‘em and I’m guessing those chicks are the same kind of chicks who fap while watching zombie porn. Dreamboat tells the Israeli newspaper Ynet (via Crave) that he’s into reuniting with The Libertines, but only because his checking account has got tumbleweeds blowing through it, his wallet’s only got an IOU receipt from his crack dealer in it and he’s got ANOTHER mouth to feed.
A couple of days ago, a map of Hyde Park went up on The Libertines’ Facebook page and some hos took that to mean that they were going to perform a reunion show there. Dreamy says that they got an offer to reunite and he had to say yes to it, because he’s so desperate for money that he’s about to suck off his dealer for a half-smoked rock (really, who hasn’t been there?).
“I don’t know if I’m supposed to even tell you this, but we were offered to reform the Libertines for a show this July in Hyde Park. I got the call just yesterday. I said yes. The thing is when I think about it now it was kind of a strange answer because I think in most days if you asked me the same question I would say no, but recently I tried to call Carl (Barat) and couldn’t reach him. Not long ago I listened to The Libertines songs on YouTube and had a burst of nostalgia so I said what the heck, and then they told me how much they will pay us and I cannot lie to you I couldn’t say no, at least not in my state right now.”
Dreamy is really, really hard up for cash, because he just found out that living in this world is a third child who will one day take his daddy’s old crack pipe to school on Show and Tell day.
“I was recently called to family law court after a young girl I knew had told me I was the father of her baby. I have a year and a half old girl and I need to pay a lot of alimony, I’m in debt. It’s very complicated for me to say no right now. I have financial problems.”
Dreamy has a 10-year-old son named Astile with singer Lisa Moorish and a 2-year-old daughter named Aisling with a South African model.
If Dreamy really needs a quick check, he should submit his body to science for testing. Scientists can find out how is it possible that his liver and the rest of his internal organs haven’t melted and dribbled out of his asshole by now. While they’re in there, they can also study his drunk jizz to find out how it’s possible that they’re able to find a stranger’s ovaries while they’re boozed up and high on who knows what. I mean, when I’m really drunk and stoned, I can barely find the toilet I use every day, but yet Dreamy’s drunk jizz seem to always find their way. He truly is a freak of nature.
I don’t know if this story is real or just something cooked up by Clorox to boost sales of bleach, but Us Weekly is reporting that Miley Cyrus and Jared Leto might be doing it. And by it, I mean rubbing their grimy, sweaty stank parts together on a pile of crusty underwear (you know they’re the type). A source says that the two had a sleepover at Jared’s house in early February and they’ve been hooking up ever since.
I’m sure you’re asking yourself: “Besides 9 out of 10 stamps on their Free Clinic loyalty card and the weird skin rash you get from being in the same room as Terry Richardson, what the fuck would 21-year-old Miley and 42-year-old Jared have in common?” Oh, lots of things! Dry shampoo, drop-crotch pants, My So-Called Life (“I’m just so into the 90s, y’all!” – Miley). But the source says they’ve also bonded over the following:
“They like to have a good time, they love to talk about art and music, and they’re both comfortable with nudity!”
I should hope so. Have you ever fucked on someone, and immediately after you finish they scream “DON’T TURN ON THE LIGHTS!!” and start sprinting around the room like a goddamn cum-covered Usain Bolt searching for their underwear? It’s a major bummer. No, what really concerns me is the kind of music the lead singer from 30 Seconds to Mars and the person responsible for Love Money Party are talking about. I’d literally rather picture their bare asses twerking on a trash bag filled with used bandaids than listen to more than 5 seconds of them repetitively asking each other: “How dope is this track? It’s totally dope, right?”
The brain dead child that Stuart from MadTV conceived while high on battery acid and bath salts is not even a week into her
Bangerz Trapped Clit and Muppet Porn World Tour and bitch has already taken shit to new disgusting and gross levels of SUCIO. That picture is so damn blurry that if you told me it was a 19-year-old Aaron Carter smoking meth out of a dick-shaped pipe or Justin Bieber chewing on a phallic-ass teething ring, I wouldn’t accuse you of telling lies. But Popdust says that it’s a picture of Miley putting a thong in her mouth after a fan threw it on stage at her show in Tacoma, Washington last night. Random snatch saliva and ass crack nectar is what’s for dinner. A fan at Miley’s show tweeted this about Miley getting her daily serving of nutritional yeast.
OMFG SOMEONE JUST THREW THEIR THONG ON STAGE AND MILEY PUT IT IN HER MOUTH!!!!!
— smiler. (@JasonTrannn) February 17, 2014
Gross ass chonies-eating slag. Whatever, I’m sure this was all just a choreographed stunt to make Miley look SO EDGY and SO HARD, but my thoughts and prayers are really with that thong. That poor thong is the innocent victim in all of this. Do you know how many gallons of hot water and how many scoops of powdered bleach it’s going to take get Miley’s thrush gunk out of its cotton patch? Nobody’s thinking about the poor thong.
And please don’t say that Billy Ray Cyrus probably threw that thong. I’m going to hit the stop button before we get to the part where the camera pans into the audience and Billy Ray winks at us after throwing that thong on stage.
And you’re probably spreading absorbent powder over the puddle of barf you yacked up after staring at that screen shot of them looking like brother and sister in an Olan Mills photo shoot. But back to their love…
Katy Perry and John Mayer dropped a spoonful of awkwardness into everyone’s coffee cup this morning when they did an interview with GMA to promote their music video for their duet “Who Do You Love” The video is like the easy listening, Santa Fe gift shop, Knott’s Berry Farm version of Bound 2. John, Katy and a bunch of other couples ride a mechanical bull together. I guess it’s a metaphor for relationships. You know, there’s ups, there’s downs and if you regularly fuck John Mayer bareback, you’ll end up with chafed coochie lips and crotch sores that need to be treated with topical ointment. Just like mechanical bull riding!
Before they debuted the video where Katy Perry is dressed like an early 70s kindergarten teacher turned cult ingenue, they did a really awkward interview. I’ve had job interviews that were less awkward than this.
And if you thought John’s Game of Thrones necklace from the SkyMall catalog is douchey, here he is arriving at GMA in a jacket made entirely of road kill (aka a piece of clothing that represents the future of his and Katy’s relationship).
The scent of a two day old clambake and rotten coagulated crab protein was in the air in Malibu yesterday when Wonky McValtrex threw a Fourth of July party for her friends including Christina Milian and Brian Grazer. You know it’s a good party when nearly every guest has a look on their face that says, “I’m just here for the coke.”
I spent my Fourth of July getting drunk on vodka and cranberry sodas while lounging in an inflatable pool in the backyard, so I thought I had the best Fourth of July, but I was wrong. Wonky’s crotch crabs obviously had the best Fourth ever, because they got to frolic in the sands of Malibu and reunite with their kind!
Here’s some extremely crystal clear and riveting pictures of Katy Perry and her on-and-off-again hump piece John Mayer holding hands while leaving the Don Rickles Roast in NYC last night. Katy recently told Vogue that she’s not licking John Mayer’s taint anymore and that she needs to take some time to figure out why she keeps dating emotionally messed up crazy bitches.
“All I can say about that relationship is that he’s got a beautiful mind. Beautiful mind, tortured soul. I do have to figure out why I am attracted to these broken birds.”
Translation: Ain’t no dick like crazy dick.
ABC News says that Katy didn’t show up with John Mayer last night, because who wants to be seen walking into a room with John Mayer? She showed up when dinner already started and spent the rest of the night “canoodling” with him. So I guess this means that they’re doing it again, but Katy Perry is not right for kkkockblocking Paula Deen. Poor Paula Deen has lost her TV shows and has been done wrong by ham (AGAIN), and she can’t cry on John Mayer’s David Duke dick, because Katy Perry’s on it. Damn you, Katy Perry!
And I don’t know if Katy Perry is holding up her dress while walking down those stairs or if she’s grabbing her coochie because it keeps trying to jump off her body since it knows what’s going to happen next. First Russell Brand and then John Mayer again and again? Hasn’t Katy Perry’s chocha been through enough?!
I don’t know if Kanye West is throw an Illuminati gang sign or he’s showing us what his legs are going to do later that night since Kim isn’t in town.
Kanye West celebrated his sweet 36th birthday at Miss Lily’s in NYC last night with a not-knocked-up Beyonce, Jay-Z, Scott Disick, Jonathan Cheban, Nas, Aziz Ansari and David Blaine. Not on the guest list was Kim Kardashian. Everyone can say that Kim is nearly 9 months pregnant with little Kanyetta Krayola West Kardashian and isn’t allowed to fly, but since when does that heffa care about the well-being of her unborn child? You know bitch would’ve put her pregnant ass on a plane to get a photo-op with Kanye and Beyonce. Kanye probably told her that he’s just going to have a quiet night at home and watch Behind the Candelabra again while eating an Entenmann’s german chocolate cake.
Well, Jonathan Cheban (looking like Brian Peppers’ swag coach), is a fart permanently stuck to Kim’s ass, so I guess he was there representing her. I guess.
As z-listers and reality show has-beens celebrated the upcoming arrival of the Illuminati’s newest chosen one, Kim Kardashian’s best friend (in her head) Beyonce and Kanye West’s favorite cuddle time partner Jay-Z were on the other side of the country. Beyonce and Jay-Z couldn’t make it because they had more pressing matters to tend to like making sure his shoes are perfectly untied. I’m sure Beyonce and Jay-Z sent over a baby shower gift in the form of a restraining order keeping Kim and Kanye’s daughter Krisonda Yeezus from getting near Blue Ivy Carter, because Pimp Mama Kris is already whispering about putting the two in an arranged lesbian marriage.
And yes, Jay-Z, I do blame society for the reason why both of you queef diamond-encrusted hundred dollar bills.
Here’s more pictures, if you need them, of Beyonce and Jay-Z leaving a movie theater in NYC. Usually when they go to the movies, they buy out the entire theater so they won’t have to inhale the dirty fumes of peasants. But they went to see After Earth, so they didn’t have to worry about anybody else being in the theater with them.
I know that what you really needed today was a video of come-to-life subway seat stain Ke$hit pissing into a cut off plastic water bottle before drinking it. On last night’s Ke$ha: My Crazy Life, a co-production between the CDC and MTV, Ke$hit’s friend tells her that drinking your own pee pee is supposed to be good for you, so she decides to do it.
You know, I call SHE-NAN-AH-GANS! I contacted someone at the CDC (no, I didn’t) and they told me (no, they didn’t) that Ke$ha’s pee is the color of battery acid, smoke wafts off of it and when she pees, you can hear the high-pitched screeches from her crotch crabs as they get burned alive. That’s not her piss. That’s obviously Crystal Light lemonade. You so not edgy, Ke$hit.