It’s been way too long since I’ve temporarily pulled Dlisted out of the gutter and carried it to upper echelons of elegance by posting about Coco. The once-reigning Queen of Camel Toes has been really busy doing regular mom things like dressing up herself and her 1-year-old daughter Chanel in matching outfits for Instagram photo shoots. But thankfully, Coco has taken a much-needed break from that exhausting mom shit to sun her oiled-up magnificent silicone melons on Miami Beach today. I didn’t know that people still used brown bottle Hawaiian Tropic, but leave it to Coco to stick to a classic. Although, if she was a true traditionalist who doesn’t give a hell about skin cancer, she would’ve slathered her goddess body with Baby Oil, Crisco, Vaseline and that cooking grease my abuelita kept in an old Prego jar under the kitchen sink.
On a different note, seeing Coco’s body in that red, white and blue two piece gave me an idea. Earlier today I read something about how the Wonder Woman movie may be as much of a CGI’d turd as Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice was. Well, if that’s true and DC wants to save it before it comes out this summer, there’s an easy fix. All they have to do is summon the cast and crew of WW to Miami Beach and shoot new scenes with Wonder Woman’s new sidekick: SHE-HULK! If they put Coco as She-Hulk in the WW movie, the only thing DC executives would have to worry about is finding a shelf strong enough to hold all their awards and accolades!
Here’s more of Coco giving the people of Miami Beach a giant serving of oily gorgeousness while enjoying the sun with Chanel.
Don’t worry about that dude behind Coco. Coco’s minions always carry around a fainting couch because everywhere she goes, men, women, children, animals and a few inanimate objects pass out from being exposed to that much elegance, perfection and grace. So as soon as that guy began the fainting process by closing his eyes, I’m sure one of her assistants rolled a couch behind him.
Coco, whose legendary camel toe decided to pull back a little last night, sashayed into Heidi Klum’s Halloween party in NYC with her glorious titty balls trying to use all their strength to HULK SMASH through those strings. Those strings must’ve been made with Teflon, kryptonite and a blessing from God because they are holding on. Chichis looking like two big-headed toddlers trying to headbutt their way out of a playpen.
Most would say that Coco wore a slutty referee costume from Yandy, but I say that Coco wore a slutty Footlocker employee costume from Yandy. Although, Ice -T went as a prison inmate, so there’s a chance that they could’ve coordinated their costumes and Coco actually dressed up as some kind of slutty prison house aerobics instructor. Whatever the case may be, Coco still filled that party up to the top with her beauty.
Here’s more of the tricks who showed up to Heidi Klum’s Halloween party, and yes, 99% of them wore a better costume than Heidi did. Bethenny Frankel, as a Dollar General Catwoman with rabies, is the 1%.
37 years ago, a glitter-covered oyster floated to the surface of the ocean and the waves carried it to the end of a rainbow where two unicorns were raw dog fucking in the air. Just as the oyster opened up to reveal a shiny pink pearl inside, the man unicorn pulled out and came all over it, which transformed the pink pearl into the otherworldly goddess we know as CoCo! (That’s a 100% true story, by the way). The entire world should celebrate the birth of the ageless angel with one, big camel toe parade, but since the world doesn’t know shit, CoCo had to celebrate her birthday at some club in Las Vegas over the weekend.
CoCo blew chunks of elegance into the eyes of the people when she worked the carpet with her man Ice-T. CoCo redefined sophistication by wearing a Versayce dress that could barely hold in her spectacular titty globes. Yes, that dress was made by Versace, apparently. It really does take a certain juh-nay-say-kwa to make an elegant dress that probably cost thousands of dollars look like it was pulled off of the floor under a clearance rack at a hooker clothing store in a strip mall on the outskirts of Reno. Only CoCo! Only CoCo!
Coco and Ice-T’s daughter Chanel Nicole has been alive for about 30 seconds, but yet she’s well on her way to becoming the greatest Instagram model of all-time!
Since Anna Wintour and the other top fashion magazine editors of the world have been begging to see Chanel Nicole’s modeling book, Coco put her in her first photoshoot yesterday. Coco posted some of the pictures from Chanel Nicole’s first photoshoot on Instagram and it’s very Anne Geddes meets Glamour Shots. That over-blanched string bean Kendull Jenner can go ahead and sashay off the catwalk permanently, because her modeling career is finally over now that Chanel Nicole is on the scene.
Chanel Nicole has more charisma and personality than Kendull. And even though Chanel Nicole’s lids are always closed, she still has more life in the eye area than Kendall. Chanel Nicole is also one of the most versatile models out there.
If you need a baby who will sleep while lying against her mother’s gigantic bare chichis, Chanel Nicole is your model. If you need a baby who will sleep in some metal basket from Cost Plus while wearing a Claire’s rhinestone choker around her head, Chanel Nicole is your model. If you need a baby who will sleep at the top of a tree made from her mother’s exquisite heels, Chanel Nicole is your model. If you need a baby who will sleep while in a pink tutu, Chanel Nicole is your model.
Chanel Nicole also has another talent besides sleeping like nobody else in newborn photo shoots. Chanel Nicole can already spit at the Twitter haters in 140 characters or less:
The Haters have spoken! I guess Mama and Daddy are posting too many pics of me…. Lol. I love it.
— Baby Chanel Nicole (@BabyChanelworld) December 7, 2015
When I was Chanel Nicole’s age, my greatest accomplishment was shitting in my diaper. (Come to think of it, that remains my greatest accomplishment in life.) But Chanel Nicole has already become a successful Instagram model and she’s a master at LOLing at the Twitter trolls. She really is our new messiah.
It’s hasn’t even been a week since the human pearl that is Chanel Nicole was pulled out of CoCo’s precious oyster of a body and she looks like a baby just didn’t spend the past 8 and a half months in her pink rhinestone-encrusted womb. Don’t you even accuse CoCo of getting a post-C section tummy tuck and wrapping her body in a cocoon of Spanx. Ethereal goddesses obviously just snap back real quick.
CoCo posted this picture of her and Chanel Nicole on Instagram today, and it doesn’t even look like a picture. It looks like an exquisite piece of art painted by Botticelli. It’s the new The Virgin and Child. And is Chanel Nicole really tiny or are CoCo’s tits just really big? Or both? It’s both.
Go ahead and flip to December 25th on your calendars and scratch out the words “Christmas Day, ” because our new savior has been born. November 28th is our new Christmas! People says that today, CoCo, our modern day Virgin Mary and the reigning Empress of the Camel Toes, gave birth to our new messiah. CoCo and Ice-T are now parents to a baby girl. Praise our new elegant messiah!
36-year-old CoCo and 57-year-old Ice-T announced a while ago that they were giving their first child together a name as elegant as them.
The couple welcomed their first child together, daughter Chanel Nicole, on Saturday, Nov. 28, their rep confirms to PEOPLE. Born at 11:47 a.m. in Englewood, New Jersey, the baby girl weighed in at 5 lbs., 7 oz.
Baby Chanel is the couple’s first child together and the third for Ice-T, 57, who is already father to adult children Tracy and Letesha from previous relationships.
“5lbs, 7 oz” must be a typo. I mean, that gorgeous portrait of CoCo in demure maternity wear was taken during her 36th week. I know, I’m zero weeks knocked up and after the eating holiday I’ve had, I look 36 weeks pregnant more than her ass does. So, I’m guessing that she gave birth to a tiny jewel of a baby who’s about the size of her French tip and weighs less than a swan’s breath.
CoCo also tweeted a picture of the luckiest baby in the world.
Surprise!!! Look who came early!! Welcome the new arrival of Chanel Nicole.. A beautiful healthy 5.7 pound baby girl pic.twitter.com/fufB3vorHM
— Coco (@cocosworld) November 28, 2015
Chanel Nicole is definitely saying to herself, “Oh my GOD, I can’t believe how GORGEOUS my mother is!’ Congratulations to Chanel Nicole for getting to have CoCo as a mother! And congratulations to us all, because CoCo and Ice-T will definitely teach Chanel Nicole how to be as elegant as them and this world definitely needs more elegance in it.