After NBC announced yesterday morning that they had canned Matt Lauer for allegedly being the creep we all sorta knew he was, Ann Curry was asked about the situation. Ann is still “processing” it all.
When the Fall of Pervs 2017 started to hit the world of TV news and Ryan Seacrest was accused (sort of) and Charlie Rose went down, I waited and waited for the creepy perv curtain to be lifted off of bald pillar of potent smug Matt Lauer. Well, that day has come… and you probably didn’t read anything beyond “was accused” because your vision was blurred by the tears you let out while laugh crying over me saying that sneaky garden gnome Ryan Seacrest is in the world of TV news.
But anyway, NBC News announced today that after getting a detailed sexual harassment complaint from an employee on Monday night, they have fired the seemingly untouchable don of morning TV. Meanwhile, employees at Good Morning America are making a mental note to keep the receipt for the holiday gifts they bought for George Stephanopoulos and Michael Strahan.
Before and after Ann Curry was dumped from the Today show, there were dozens of stories about how Matt Lauer was the one who ordered a hit out on her and he’s the one who drafted her walking papers. Fuel was added to that fire when Ann hugged everybody but Matt on her last day. With Good Morning America beating Today in the ratings, Matt is now trying something called last-minute damage control. Matt tells The Daily Beast that while everyone was thinking he’s the one who dragged Ann out the exit door, he was telling NBC to give her more time as his co-anchor.
Some source tells The Daily Beast that when Matt was told that Ann was out, he begged them to give her more time before pushing her into a smaller role. Steve Capus, the former president of NBC News, backed up that source’s claim by queefing this out:
“When Matt was informed that we had made this decision, his good counsel was to go slow, to take care of Ann, and to do the right things. He was quietly and publicly a supporter of Ann’s throughout the entire process. It is unfair that Matt has shouldered an undue amount of blame for a decision he disagreed with.”
Matt admits that before Ann was let go, he took her to lunch and told her that he initially didn’t want her as his co-host. Ann didn’t have an agent at the time, so Matt advised her to get one right away. Ann already had an open sore on her heart from knowing that she was about to lose her job and then Matt pissed on that open sore by telling her he never wanted her to have the job in the first place. How nice of him. Matt really is supporting.
Matt then said that he knows Ann’s firing wasn’t handled very well.
“I don’t think the show and the network handled the transition well. You don’t have to be Einstein to know that. It clearly did not help us. We were seen as a family, and we didn’t handle a family matter well.
In some ways being No. 2 in the ratings is a real shot in the arm, a kick in the pants. It makes you hungrier … I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have a fire lit under your ass.”
What I got from this piece is that when Matt takes you out for a work lunch, he’s only taking you out to tell you that he wishes he wasn’t having lunch with you, because he wishes you weren’t hired to work alongside him in the first place. What I also got from this piece is that Matt likes his side hos to dip their fingers in some hot sauce before fingering his b-hole.
While most of the Internet focused all their attention on Katie Holmes’ real-life remake of Prison Break yesterday, NBC quietly released a statement confirming the DUH of all DUHs. No, they didn’t confirm that when you squeeze Matt Lauer too hard, a fountain of Summer’s Eve will shoot out of his mouth. They confirmed that Savannah Guthrie’s got Ann Curry’s old job now, so get used to it. They made it clear on yesterday’s show that Savannah is the new co-host, but they didn’t officially announce it on air. It’s kind of like when my mom and dad split, and my dad made me hang out with him and his new girlfriend without telling me exactly who she was. It was obvious, though. So yesterday, I looked at Savannah through the screen the same way I looked at my dad’s new piece. With eyes that said, “I know why you’re here and I don’t like it, bitch.”
Here’s the BLAH BLAH BLAHs the president of NBC News released to The Washington Post and everybody else yesterday:
“As soon as Savannah joined NBC News she was a standout, reporting for every franchise in the news division and rising through the ranks. She has a one-of-a-kind combination of sharp wit and approachability, and our viewers value her journalistic skills and legal background just as much as her humor and charm. She can effortlessly go from interviewing the Secretary of State to jumping Olympic-sized hurdles on the Plaza. I’m thrilled to welcome Savannah as our newest co-anchor, and along with Matt, Al and Natalie, we’ve got the best morning team in the business.”
They probably went with Savannah over Natalie Morales, Hoda Kotb and Tamron Hall, because she’s almost like a Katie Couric Lite. Savannah seems nice, is smart, is pretty harmless and non-conterverisal. In other words:
No, that is not me 20 years ago. I’m too basic to pull off lime green tights.
(the basic bitch siren call via Slog)
Ann Curry announced on Today this morning the news we’ve all known for weeks: NBC did her dirty by pushing her out as co-host after just a year on the job. As Ann announced that today is her last day as co-host, she choked on Matt Lauer’s smugness and cried, because she had to be a professional and resist the tempting urge to strangle him in front of the cameras. Ann said that she’s staying at the network and will travel the world covering serious news stories for NBC News and Today. Ann said that she loves the viewers, will miss the viewers, especially loves the crew and hopes that Matt drowns in a pool of his own shit. Okay, Ann didn’t say that last part, but I’m pretty sure I saw that line sitting at the tip of her tongue, waiting to fly.
Ann ended her BYE BITCHES speech by saying, “For all of you, who saw me as a groundbreaker, I’m sorry I couldn’t carry the ball over the finish line, but I did try.” Then Matt, Al Roker and Natalie Morales took turns telling their favorite Ann stories from the past 14 years. It felt like I was watching a memorial service with bright lightning. Ann isn’t DEAD! I don’t even know why Ann cried unless she was crying warm tears of happiness. Ann is getting millions of dollars in her exit settlement, doesn’t have to look at Matt’s baby ostrich head anymore and no longer has to go to bed when Jeopardy! comes on TV. Ann is the real winner here.
The most awkward part was when Ann hugged Al, hugged Natalie and didn’t even try to hug Matt. We all know that feeling. Sometimes you don’t hug a bitch you hate, because you’re afraid that your arms will take over and squeeze that trick until their internal organs pour of their mouth. Then you’ll do a dance on that bitch’s insides. Ann probably felt that would be a little much for morning television.
Ann also gave an interview to USA Today last night where she said that she knew she was going to get fired and is sad to go, because the Today co-host job has been her dream job. Ann also said that the leaks about her firing have “hurt her deeply” and she doesn’t blame herself for why Today’s ratings are dropping. When asked about Matt, Ann said this:
“Obviously he’s considered the golden boy of morning television. He’s so good when you sit next to him; it’s hard not to be helped by that. He’s funny and glib, and he knows how the show works. It’s been my honor in this last year to sit next to him.”
GLIB!!! That tickling sensation Matt feels in his ears is from Tommy Girl loudly cackling in the distance. And with that subtle shade, Ann wins again. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, assholes, goodbye!
Because I won’t stop posting HIGHLY interesting gossip about the co-hosts of the fucking Today show until I totally reach the “midnight snack at 8″ demographic, here’s some more HIGHLY interesting gossip about the co-hosts of Today. In my sorta defense, it’s summertimes, it’s kind of slow, there’s not much going on and it was either this or a video about a horrific wall of Teddy Ruxpins. (That’s next.)
Either this week or early next, Ann Curry will jump down the inflatable escape slide while flipping off all those bitches who did her wrong. The producers of Today are preparing Savannah Guthrie for the co-host job by spraying her down with douche repellent so Matt Lauer doesn’t try to grope her while they’re sitting next to each other. Savannah was picked over Natalie Morales and Page Six says that has Natalie pissing shit. Natalie was mad when the producers chose Ann Curry over her and now she’s really mad that they’ve screwed her over again by going with Savannah. Sources tell Page Six that Natalie could follow Ann Curry down that inflatable escape slide, because she’s sick of getting shafted by the producers. Speaking of getting shafted…
The National Enquirer says that the reason why the producers didn’t offer the job to Natalie Morales is because Matt Lauer’s wife Annette threatened to stab their marriage in the heart if that happened. Annette knows all about the rumors that Matt passed his peen to Natalie and she doesn’t want them to get any closer than they already are. A source put it like this:
“When she heard about Ann getting the boot, the first thing Annette told Matt was that she didn’t want him cozying up any closer to Natalie. In fact, Annette drew a line in the sand and said if he pushed show bosses to make Natalie his new co-host, she’d divorce him! Annette knows Matt is the key to the ‘Today’ franchise and his bosses will put whoever he wants in the co-host chair.
I heard that Matt had an extramarital affair with gorgeous Natalie, and he’s the father of one of her kids. Everyone’s buzzing that the boy looks just like him.”
When I look at Natalie’s son, I don’t have the sudden urge to launch the word “glib” from my tongue, so I doubt he’s half Lauer.
NBC shouldn’t stop at firing Ann. They should fire everybody and redo the entire show. They should stick a hidden camera in Matt Lauer’s crotch bush and show 4 hours of the adventures of his wandering peen, because that shit sounds more interesting than anything on Today. Kathie Lee Gifford can narrate it from the bottom of her wine closet.