One Step Closer To The Apocalypse: Chad Kroeger And Avril Lavigne Got Married (UPDATE: No, They Didn’t…Yet)

UPDATE: The unholy union of suck isn’t legal…yet. UsWeekly says that Avril and Chad’s “wedding party” was last night. Their actual wedding is tomorrow July 1st. What a magical Canada Day miracle!

Lucifer showed that he is real and has a real fucked up sense of humor today when the official unholy union of suck that is Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne became husband and wife in the South of France today. Yeah, this is why the sky is filled with black clouds, the ground is covered with dead birds and I’m burning my toes off every time I step outside. I’m burning my toes off because it’s at least 6,000 degrees in L.A. and that’s because the flames of the underworld are burning high while Lucifer’s minions celebrate this dark-sidedness.

When Chad and Avril got engaged last year, I figured it was just some viral marketing stunt produced by the Mayans and it was their way of reminding us that the world really is ending on December 21, 2012. When the world didn’t end, I figured Chad and Avril would quietly break up and our international nightmare would be over. But nope, UsWeekly says that Chad and Avril really did get married in an “intimate” (translation: nobody wanted to come) wedding in Cannes. Avril wore a gown by Johanna Johnson and her gay best friend was her maid of honor. Now I know that’s a lie. Avril obviously wore a custom-made fishnet and black latex gown by Hot Topic and her maid of honor was Emily the Strange. Chad wore a tuxedo by Affliction and a jar of AXE hair putty was his best man.

This is the first marriage for 38-year-old Chad and the second for Avril’s 28-year-old ass.

Well, the good news is that since it’s a long weekend in Canada, Canadians have an extra day to celebrate the marriage of their royal couple. And by celebrate, I mean laugh uncontrollably to keep from crying. All hail the Canadian Prince William and Duchess Kate!

JLo Shook Her Ass For The Leader Of One Of The World’s Most Repressive Countries

JLo became Jenny from the Eastern Bloc tonight when she popped her pussy and lip-synched for Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov, the leader of Turkmenistan, at his 56th birthday celebration. Turkmenistan has been called one of the most repressed regimnes in the world by Human Rights Watch. I know, haven’t the people of Turkmenistan been through enough?!

AFP says that JLo and her dancers performed for Berdymukhamedov at a $2 billion Caspian Sea resort. JLo is apparently the first major Western star to perform in the country which is known for its “vast gas reserves and a dismal human rights record.” Reporters Without Borders considers Turkmenistan one of the 10 most censored countries in the world. Reporters are regularly thrown in jail and Internet use is seriously regulated by the government. Can you imagine not being able to access PornHub? That is a serious SERIOUS human rights violation.

Showbiz411 says that JLo was paid at least $1 million plus expenses. Ministers, ambassadors and CEOs all watched JLo shake her quadruple layer ass and move her lips to a track as shirtless dudes dancers around her. JLo put on a traditional Turkmen dress to sing “Happy Birthday” to the president. If JLo sang “Happy Birthday” live, then expect her to be jailed for life for trying to assassinate the president with her soul-killing natural singing voice.

JLo was in the cinematic human rights violation called Gigli, so this isn’t surprising. I just want to know who won when JLo screamed at President Birdyhandmeadove because her dressing room wasn’t painted the right shade of white and didn’t have at least 12 lit Jo Malone candles in it. If you see on CNN that the president of Turkmenistan threw himself into the Caspian Sea after tearing his own ears off, you now know why.

Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

Yes, that was an original 90210 star you heard in the bathroom having sex very loudly the other night with someone who is not their significant other. Very loudly. Did I mention it was loud? (CDAN)

It wasn’t Jennie Garth, because I figure her for the prude-ish type who won’t even put her bare hands on a public bathroom faucet let alone take her chonies off in a stall. It wasn’t Shannen Doherty, because I didn’t see anything on the news recently about dozens of people who temporarily went deaf from listening to the powerful and beautiful sounds of a dark angel orgasming. It wasn’t Tori Spelling, because a Sleestak’s mating moans sounds nothing like a human’s mating moans. I’ll throw out Luke Perry and Jason Priestly too.

So I’ll guess it was either Ian Ziering, Brian Austin Green or Gabrielle Carteris? I’ll go with Gabrielle Carteris, because you know she’s a down low freak.

This comedic actor might want to think twice about how he expresses himself when it comes to imitating people. He was out to dinner with a group of friends when the discussion turned to the Trayvon Martin/ George Zimmerman trial.

The actor – who may have had a drink or two – loudly referred to one of the witnesses as “precious”, called her “retarded”, and then proceeded to do an impromptu routine as the witness. He used a variety of exaggerated hand and facial gestures to imitate the witness’ performance on the stand.

While he known as a comedic actor, not all of the patrons in the restaurant were amused by his routine. (Blind Gossip)

You really can’t take Michael Richards anywhere! Or maybe this is Tyler Perry’s foolish ass. I wouldn’t be surprised if Tyler Perry is begging Lifetime to let him play her in the Travyton Martin biopic that they’re obviously going to make.

This great looking B-/C+ list mostly television actor who missed his shot at a move to the A list when his network show was canceled last year has no idea that his B+ list model/actress wife has been stepping out with this A list celebrity who is known for being really skinny and formerly married to an A list diva. (CDAN)

My brain isn’t farting out any guesses for the TV actor and wife, but the skinny A-lister is obviously Marc Anthony. Skeletor’s supposedly Panthor-sized dick really brings in the ladies.

This trainwreck of a celebrity has been telling people that she is now pregnant. She somehow managed to do this while in rehab. Not sure if this is a ploy on her part, or if she is actually pregnant. (CDAN)

I don’t know what would make the heads of every CPS social worker blow off faster: a knocked up LiLo or a knocked up Brooke Mueller?

Presenting The Skarsgård Family Portrait (Sans Stellan)

Every family portrait should have a drunk, hot and topless ASkars in it.

Here’s everybody who was made using Stellan Skarsgård’s viking sperm. From left to right: the tall drink of 36-year-old Swedish leche that is ASkars, 31-year-old Sam (who’s a doctor), 32-year-old Gustaf (who’s in the Vikings), 21-year-old Eija (who’s a club promoter), 17-year-old Valter and 22-year-old Bill from Hemlock Grove. The two chirruns are from Stellan’s current marriage and I’m sure one will star in the 2033 reboot of True Blood and the other will star in the 2033 reboot of Vikings.

This portrait would be ten hundred percent better without the children and without tops on all the adults. THAT FAMILY. The hotness is strong in almost all of them. Stellan’s dick should make all of the people from now on. ASkars, I’d hit it. Sam, I’d hit it. Gustaf, I’d hit it. Bill, I’d hit it. Eija? Hell, I’d even let her stick the tip in.

Source: Instagram via ONTD

Lady GaGa Comes Out Of Hiding To Sing The National Anthem At Gay Pride In NYC

Because Alec Baldwin was not available and Lady CaCa has start to selling her new album, she pulled herself out of her oxygenated alien rehabilitation pod to give a speech and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at NYC Pride’s Kick-Off Rally last night. It was the first time CaCa publicly yodeled since she closed down her Born This Way Ball tour to get hip surgery. GaGa gave a long speech (click here if you need it in your life today) before she sang the National Anthem. Even though I do love CaCa’s blond Posh Spice circa 2007 hair, she wore the wrong wig. She should’ve worn an Eva Peron wig and performed on a balcony since she obviously thinks she’s the Evita of gay rights!

And I also like her headband sunglasses. It’s very Lady Justice meets Geordi La Forge.

Pics: Splash

Hot Slut Of The Day!

Undercover Bears Instant Oatmeal!

The only way I’ll eat oatmeal today is in cookie form, covered in frosting and deep fried. (That’s not true, I’ll eat oatmeal if you molded some into a condom and wrapped it around Anderson Cooper and I’d also eat it if Shauna Sand blew an air kiss over it.) But when I was a kid, I’d eat oatmeal if you covered it with maple syrup, gave me some fruit-flavored corn syrup gel to squirt on top of it and hid Gummi Bears in it, which brings me to Undercover Bears. Undercover Bears was this weird instant oatmeal from the early 90s that had strawberry-flavored or maple -flavored Gummi Bears hidden in it. The Gummi Bears were covered in oatmeal and you had to sift through that shit to find them. It was not delicious to the eyes. It was a bowl of pasty, clumpy oatmeal. It looked like a wet, overused litter box. But it was delicious to my mouth. The Gummi Bears dissolved in your mouth. I only ate it twice or three times at my friend’s house, but each time it was the highlight of MY LIFE! I loved searching for bears to suck on (“Some things never change.” – you).

Here’s the Undercover Bears commercial (at the 7:25 mark) along with some other hot commercials from the 90s.

Undercover Bears is a really good name for a cereal. It sounds like John Travolta’s Scientology code name.