Category: Your Lips Scare Me

BREAKING: Blahna Del Rey Dyed The Ginge Out Of Her Hair

September 5, 2012 / Posted by:

When a trick spends an entire night with Lindsay Lohan at Chateau Marmont, the first thing she does in the morning is pull her valuables out of Kleptohan’s booty bag of a cooch. The next she does is wash away Lindsay Lohan’s stank with alcohol-based hair dye. That’s obviously the reason for why Lana Del Taco dyed her usually red locks a shitty shade of MEH and showed it off at last night’s GQ Men of the Year Awards in London. I’ve seen painted up corpses lying in coffins that give more expressive facial expressions than Lana does, but at least the ginger hair made her look like she belonged on Team The Living if we ever got into a humans vs. zombies war. But now, she looks like cold death on ludes.

If you’re ever out of Ambien, and for some reason Lana Del Rey and Kristen Stewart are in the room with you, just ask them to take turns giving each other really sad news using only their facial expressions. Watching those two miserables bitches try to out-Emo each other will put you out faster than watching paint dry on a Kate Bosworth cardboard cutout.

Say Something Nice: Lindsay Lohan At The A&E Upfronts

May 9, 2012 / Posted by:

Pictures like these call for the return of Say Something Nice, so let your bitch gene go temporarily dormant (I know you won’t) and let’s play nice for once. Lindsay Lohan’s cheeks and lips looked like they were trying to get majority share of her face as she posed at the A&E Upfronts in NYC today. A&E is part owner of Lifetime, so LiLo was there to promote Liz & Dick. Now on to the niceness!

1. That ombre face – LiLo is setting trends with that shit! Ombre face is perfect for when you can only afford 1/4th of a spray tan.

2. Those brows – The Curious Case of Ali Lohan isn’t the only Lohan who can give us some serious eyebrow situation. If you need a steady hand, a spackling knife and paint thinner to strip the layers of brow pencil from your brows at the end of the night, you’re doing it right! Yes, LiLo’s brows sort of look like furry poops, but scat is so in!

3. That random bobby pin – 60s glamour on a Dollar Tree budget. Can’t shade a bitch for being frugal IN THIS ECONOMY.

4. Those lips – Those gummy worm lips sort of make her looks like Nien Numb in drag, which is a good thing since Star Wars definitely needed more drag queen glamour.

5. That overall face – LiLo’s face looks like it was harvested from Jocelyn Wildenstein’s face, and that’ seriously the nicest thing I’ve said about anybody. My nice tank is officially empty.

Vision Of Labia

April 30, 2012 / Posted by:

While most singers try to sing from their diaphragm, Mimi goes way deep and sings from her coochie. Now, that is how it’s done! During the closing concert at the Ischgl ski resort in Austria yesterday, Mimi prepared to let out a 32 octave butterfly yodel by breathing in so hard that her Spandex ski pants practically polished her damn cervix. Mimi’s poon will be spitting out Spandex for days! I refuse to call it a camel toe, because Mimi doesn’t do camels, darlings. It’s more like a lamb toe. Hell, it’s the whole damn lamb’s foot! It also looks like a unicorn putting its hooves together to pray, and two butterfly cocoons hanging next to each other, and Homer Simpson with red lipstick on, and a fortune cookie molded from Play-Doh. Basically, Mimi’s cooze flaps look like everything. Who knew that Mimi has the Rorschach test of pussy lips?

Even though Mimi’s got an entire stampede up in her pants and her coochie could be a star in the world of competitive pants-eating, CoCo is still the Queen of Camel Toes. I mean, who would you put money on in a camel toe wrestling match? Exactly.

A Check Is A Check: Lisa Rinna Is Doing Depend Commercials Now

April 7, 2012 / Posted by:

Because all of us want to look as sexy and svelte as possible even as we piss ourselves, Depend has come out with a line of ultra slim piss pads that won’t give you diaper lines, and they’ve hired 48-year-old Lisa Rinna of all hos to push that shit in a new commercial. I know Lisa’s career is in the shit can and her lips could win first place in a throbbing hemorrhoid look-alike contest, but besides that what does she have to do with bowel movements? I guess Depend is saving Fergie for their new collection of diaper g-strings, Hugh Jackman for their line of diaper speedos and Gérard Depardieu for their line of control-top french cut piss catchers. Whatever. Lisa’s collagen worm lips aren’t going to plump themselves, so I say, piss yourself to a check, Lisa Renal!

via HuffPo

The Rent Is Due: OctoMom Takes It Off For A Check

March 27, 2012 / Posted by:

TMZ says that OctoMom is a quick second away from being put out on the curb, because she hasn’t paid the mortgage on her house in La Habra, CA and it’s headed for the auction block on Thursday. So what’s a fame whoring mother of a baby brigade supposed to do to put her seventy million chirruns into a new house? Get them titties out for a British tabloid, of course! Closer Magazine (via DM) handed Octo a $10,000 check to pay the rent on her new house and she gave them this image that is probably making your throat give birth to an octoheave.

Octo didn’t only bare her temple of a million fetuses body for Closer, she also talked to them about how she’s a wonderful mother and how even though her uterus is KO’ed out for good, her body magically bounced back after she hatched out 8 kids.

On how everybody sees her as a crazy bitch who shouldn’t even be in charge of raising 8 Tamagotchis, but she’s really the epitome of a perfect mother: “The kids have structure and discipline and only eat healthily, they don’t know what candy is! I’ve done a really great job with them. I don’t get any credit.”

On how she dims her natural sexy so that men won’t hit on her: “I get too much male attention, but I won’t date until the octuplets are 18 – I live for them. I know a lot of women like male attention, but I’ll go out with no make-up on and wear tracksuits, a wig and even a fake pregnancy stomach to put them off.”

On how she eats like a horse (pause for your laugh) and how her body is like a rubber band: “I just pinged back into shape like a rubber band after the kids, I don’t know how I did it. I eat like a horse, don’t count calories and have never owned a set of scales. I gained an entire human when I was pregnant with the octuplets, going from 10st (140lbs) to over 19st (266lbs), but two months later, I was a size 8 again. Now, I never weigh myself.”

Yup, bitch is still crazy. Men aren’t slobbering over her with their eyes, they’re running from her insane ass, because they’re afraid that if they stand too close they’ll knock her ass up. Bitch’s body didn’t magically ping back into shape, unless by “ping back into shape” she means that a plastic surgeon pulled her stomach skin all the way up to her neck. Sadly, even after the entire Extreme Makeover: Home Edition crew renovated her body, she still has two gorilla landing strips for brows. How dreadful. Octo should take some of that $10k and use it to pay for a date with an eyebrow artiste. So she won’t look like a topless Groucho Marx the next time she poses half-naked for rent money.

Lindsay Lohan Somehow Moves Her Face In SNL Promos

February 29, 2012 / Posted by:

NBC should’ve gotten Elvira to introduce these promos for this weekend’s Saturday Night Live, because Lindsay Lohan’s face looks like the fire scene from House of Wax. The positive news is that LiLo showed up on time (I think), memorized her lines (I think) and didn’t freebase hand soap in the bathroom (I think). The other news is: HER FACE. Lindsay Lohan’s face is one thing in still pictures, but seeing it in motion is another. I don’t know if she’s storing crack rocks in her cheeks for the weekend or if she’s trying to live within her means by injecting her face with Fix-A-Flat instead of Juvederm. Whatever it is she needs to hit the brakes on that shit.

I am also well aware that she’s got a little coke bloat (or her face is going through changes as she downs meds to keep her off the bad shit), but she needs to stop fucking with her face, because her mug looks tighter than a butt virgin’s b-hole. Wait. When LiLo gets a moment, can she pass me the name of her illegal back alley surgeon, because I have something that needs tightening…..

Here’s a few pictures of LiLo leaving a restaurant in NYC last night. Is Lifetime sure about this Elizabeth Taylor thing? Because LiLo looks like she’s ready to play current day Brigitte Bardot or current day Linda Hogan, but not La Liz.

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