Category: Would You Hit It?
Viggo Mortensen Went Blond
Here’s Viggo Mortensen with a whole lot of Clairol Natural Instincts (shade: Sahara Light Blonde) in his hair at the photo call and premiere of Loin des Hommes at the Venice Film Festival over the weekend. Either Viggo decided to bleach himself down to his Danish roots or he threw some blonde (with chunky sun-kissed caramel low lights, very 2001) on his hair for a movie role. If the latter is the case, then I’m guessing that Viggo is starring in a brand new Harry Potter movie where he plays Voldemort whom we find out faked his death and snuck off to Hawaii to live out his dream of being Laird Hamilton’s surfing protégée.
Even though Viggo looks like he scalped David Spade and sewed that shit onto his head, I still would, because his ass cheeks are what got me through A Perfect Murder. I’d definitely let blond Viggo hommes dez loins (I don’t know what that meant, but just go with it).
Pics: Wenn.com
Would You Hit It?
Douche of all trades and professional gay baiter James Franco threw up this picture on Instagram today and showed everyone what it looks like when he takes a bottle of Sun-In, a straightening iron and L.A. Looks pomade to his hair (or what it looks like when he puts on a Martina Navratilova wig). Since James Franco is an artistic chameleon and only chooses roles that strengthen his title as the most avant-garde actor of our time and every time, I’m guessing that he slapped the blond into his hair to play Nick Carter in Lifetime’s Diary Of A Meth Face: The Aaron Carter Story. A cracked out albino turtle with a Dollar Tree spray tan will play Aaron.
James Franco with a bleached mop looks like Stuart Smalley’s estranged brother, Shane Smalley, who has been arrested several times for stealing the Silica gel packets from packs of beef jerky at Walmart (yes, Silica gel is his drug of choice, DUH) and was fired from his job as a janitor at Jiffy Lube after he got caught sticking his dick in the gas tank opening of a VW Jetta. The last time Stuart Smalley invited his brother over for iced tea and egg salad sandwiches, Shane Smalley stole half of his cardigan collection and sold it in a stoop sale for wine cooler money. Shane Smalley writes “boobs” as “bewbz” and he stills uses AOL chatrooms to pick up tricks. His AOL name is BlndeBoi88. He was born in 1978.
With all that being said, yes, yes, I’d hit it, because it’s the closest I’d ever get to doing Nick Carter circa 1999.
And here’s James Franco a little over a week ago at the NYC premiere of Child Of God with his live-in lover Scott Haze.
Would You Eat It? (UPDATE)
If you’ve ever wanted to see a lion cake make a “¿por qué yo” face, throw a JLo cake on top of it. That lion cake hates its cake life and can’t wait for someone to put it out of its misery by eating it.
At the 45th birthday party that JLo threw for herself at a restaurant in Southampton, NY last night, some of her guests said to themselves, “Oh God, I hope the ass part isn’t filled with chocolate fudge,” when the awkward and hilarious cake of JLo the Leo sprawled out on a lion came out. The crown jewel of the Cake Wrecks crown has been found! I know that’s supposed to be JLo, but it looks more like a Filipino boy in drag as a young Imelda Marcos. What I’m saying is that Casper Smart really wants to fuck that cake.
The best part of this messy cake is that it looks like JLo’s thighs and ass are three times the size of her torso and head. That cake might be telling the future, because if JLo’s ass keeps growing, it’ll eat her torso and head and she’ll be nothing but a gigantic butt with legs.
That cake definitely tests my love for cake. But yeah, I’d eat it. I’d eat JLo’s cakes. But then again, if you covered a CROC in frosting, I’d probably eat that too.
IMPORTANT CAKE UPDATE: The pictures that Fat Joe Instagramm’d were taken after the cake, which was created by cake artiste SamiCakes Boutique, had been sitting out for a while and melted. Here’s a picture of JLo’s cake in all its glory:
via Instagram via The Daily Mail
Would You Hit It?
Every single one of Jenny Lewis’ video should be nothing but her doing the Cookie Time dance with the cast of the greatest thing she’s ever been a part of: Troop Beverly Hills. But for some strange reason that I will never understand, Jenny Lewis doesn’t agree with me. So for the video for the song which will put your brain in sleep mode if you listen to it for more than 15 seconds, she got Anne Hathaway, Brie Larson and Kristen Stewart to drag king it up. Well, Anne and Brie drag king’d it up. KStew just wore a Bieber wig and a Dirty Sanchez stache with her regular clothes.
Above is Anne looking like Ali G’s American third cousin from New Jersey who thinks that KFed’s album “Playing With Fire” is an underrated rap treasure, constantly brags about how he gets his brows threaded at the same place Pauly D does, actually pre-ordered Backdoor Farrah’s rubber asshole and calls his garage bedroom in his mother’s house his “pussy palace” even though he’s only done sex with a Fleshlight. It hurts every vein in my body to say that yes, yes, I’d hit it. I actually got the puckers from seeing everyone’s least favorite theater kid Anne Hathaway as a KFed version of Buck from United States of Tara. Somebody grab a flashlight, a rosary and a vat of holy water and inspect me down there, because obviously something’s not right since I got the tingles for Anne Hathaway in a rattail and stache. Being easy isn’t easy.
Who ever directed Jenny Lewis’ Lisa Frank twat burp of a video must be a wizard who is capable of anything. Because they actually managed to bring emotion and a smile out of human drool stain Kristen Stewart (who kind of looks like a strung out young Edward Furlong as the Biebs):
Eh, actually the director’s not much of a magician, because it’s not surprising that KStew would become animated after you slap a pubestach on her face and tell her to act like a dude. And yes, yes, I would. I need help.
While I’m getting a priest to exorcise the Anne-And-KStew-In-Drag-Loving Demon out of my b-hole, you can watch the video for “Just One of the Guys” which is like Leslie Hall on Valium and Unisom.
Would You Hit It?
Guy Fieri, America’s culinary master who looks like a wart hog that was violently attacked by an albino porcupine, opened up one of his gourmet wonderland emporiums in Las Vegas, which is pretty smart, because after you get all the way drunk, you usually want to wrap your mouth hole around deep fried gluten wrapped in deep fried cheese wrapped in deep fried creamed pork rinds and covered with bacon-embedded lard sauce. I think I just described the amuse-bouche at Guy’s Las Vegas restaurant. Guy Fieri’s Vegas Kitchen & Bar opened in April, and just like his Times Square barf house, the critics have fallen in love with all the delicacies on the menu. Everything on the menu will make your heart stop, literally.
The menu of the makers of Lipitor’s favorite restaurant has the usual stuff that’ll make most of your internal organs clock out and quit this bitch. There’s a Mac-N-Cheese Bacon Burger and fondue dippers. But the bright shining star of the menu is the $12 Guy’s Cheesecake Challenge, which is basically half of a cheesecake that’s been attacked by fudge, pretzels and potato chips. It looks like some kind of mess that a 4-year-old would make, which is pretty impressive since Guy usually has the culinary skills of a 2-year-old. He’s truly growing as a culinary artist.
Andrew Kiraly of KNPR (via Eater) ate some of Guy’s Cheesecake Challenge and he actually lived to tell the tale :
Instead of sitting flat — commonsense, quotidian, even jejune — the cheesecake is set on its edge like a wheel, so it presents itself as a sort of runaway half of a dirty and broken Thundarr the Barbarian moon that’s been ripped out of orbit by cosmic forces beyond our reckoning. And, by now calorie-drunk, swooning with surfeit, I imagined Guy Fieri straddling that ragged crescent cake-moon like a motorcycle, riding into a cold and inscrutable universe, crying for an answer, a connection, somebody, anybody, with his painted flames and chocolate-sauced potato chips, his pepperoni armor and outsized burgers: Is anybody out there? I’ve got cheesecaaaaake!
Why did Andrew give me that visual? Just when my tongue was starting to get moist over something that looks like Mama June’s colon, he just had to make me picture Guy getting his crotch sweat all over it while riding it. And I bet Guy’s crotch sweat IS fudge.
But even though that disgusting thing would stop me from shitting for weeks, I still would. I’d hit it. I’d eat it ugly, which is saying a lot since it’s already damn ugly.
Pic: Vital Vegas
Would You Hit It?
All together now: Put on your booty shorts…. Ooh, I really like the sexy way you walk…. Ooh, I like the way you make your booty talk… Every time you put on your booty shorts… Belieeeeeve dat girl!
Judging by those coconut-breaking thighs, you’d think that was Brit Brit without her weave on. But it’s Bradley Cooper serving up white meat thighs, ham hocks and extra lean booty beef on the Los Angeles set of Clint Eastwood’s American Sniper. While looking like a bottom only hustler whose speciality is Reno 911 role playing, B. Coop shot scenes in the middle of a field of hot pieces in coochie cutters. If all the scenes are like this, which I hope they are, this movie is going to be gayer than Top Gun and I always thought that was impossible.
And duh, I’d put on a Victor Garber mask and hit it.
Pics: Pacific Coast News, Splash