Would You Have A Threesome With 1960s Sean Connery And Your Sister?

Page Six says that Carly Simon writes in her memoir Boys In The Trees about the time in 1965 when Sean Connery offered up his Scotch eggs and blood sausage to her, only there was one problem… Sean wanted Carly’s sister to get in on the action. What kind of Mad Men episode foolery…

Carly says that when she was 20 and her sister Lucy was 22 they were on a ship traveling from London to New York and they met a then 35-year-old Sean Connery. Carly says that the three of them had drinks and ended up in his cabin. While in his cabin, Sean, who was married at the time, proposed having a ménage à trois. Carly writes that one of her friends called it a “Simon sisters sandwich.” Carly and Lucy said thanks, but no thanks. But the next night, Lucy ended up with a coochie full of 007 and she did it by herself. The Hollywood Reporter says that Carly felt so betrayed by her sister boning Sean Connery that when they got to New York, she ended their musical duo The Simon Sisters. In other words, Sean Connery’s dick broke up The Simon Sisters. Sean Connery’s dick is the original Yoko Ono.

I don’t even want to answer my own headline question, but I will. To paraphrase Meat Loaf, I would do anything for dick but I won’t do that.

My sister and I fight over everything. One time when we were kids, I was playing with her Barbie car and she didn’t like that. We fought over it for a few minutes and I ended up throwing it against the wall and it broke. So imagine what would happen if we had to share a dude. Actually, don’t.

With that being, I hate Carly Simon’s ass for bringing this up.

Pic: United Artists

Would You Hit It?

By “it,” I’m not talking about that poster. I’m also not talking about Billy Bob Thornton’s sixth wife Connie Angland. I’m also also not talking about that ball of lit-up dildos in the background. (Although, I’d totally hit every piece of that.) I’m talking about Billy Bob Thornton himself.

Last night was the Hollywood premiere of Our Brand Is Oscar Bait and Billy Bob Thornton really overdressed for it. It’s just a damn stupid premiere for a stupid movie. He didn’t have to go all out like that. I’m sure the other dudes there shrank into a pile of inadequacy when they saw BBT looking like he was about to have caviar and champagne with THE QUEEN. USA Today asked Billy Bob why he showed up dressed like a hip old dude trying to fit in with the youngins’ at a small town gay bar and he said that it’s simple. He’s all out of two things: Shirts with sleeves and fucks to give.

“Every time I try to dress up, I get there and go ‘Why did I dress up?’. I don’t think it matters. And this is kinda the way I dress, so I figure, come as myself.”

Billy Bob’s look is a little bit “lazy Linda Perry cosplay” and equal parts “truck stop ladies bathroom peeping tom” and “Florida meth dealer who also sings the lead in a Buckcherry cover band.” Usually, I’d be into those looks, but no, I would not hit it. I have furniture in my bedroom that was made before the 1950s, and I would not move it just so Billy Bob could bust a nut instead of busting a panic attack.

Here’s a million more pictures from last night’s premiere including some of Sandra Bullock, her dog shit vigilante man and George and Amal Clooney.

Pics: Wenn.com

Would You Hit It?

I know you want to turn that picture into a seat cover for your office chair so you can sit on that tongue all day long.

Seen above looking like Prince William if Prince William was an early 80s IRS auditor instead of a multi-millionaire British royal, Matthew McConaughey was in NYC this past weekend shooting scenes for his new movie with Edgar Ramirez and Jessica Chastain’s understudy Bryce Dallas Howard. Gold isn’t only the color of the trophy (aka an Oscar) the Texas T-Rex is trying to get his claws around AGAIN, it’s also the name of the movie he’s shooting in NYC. Gold is about a dude who teams up with a hot dude (Edgar Ramirez) to search for gold in the jungles of Indonesia. That sounds very “Fool’s Gold,” and I hope that just like Fool’s Gold, there’s a scene where the two gold-digging partners fuck in a church. Yes, I’m so hard up that I’d find a way to fap to the sight of a fat suit-wearing Texas T-Rex riding on Edgar Ramirez.

Matthew McConaughey is pretty much copying the career moves of Christian Bale. Christian Bale starved himself down to the size of an Olsen’s clit for The Machinist and Matthew McConaughey did the same thing for Dallas Buyers Club. Christian Bale worked the bald look and added some chunk for American Hustle and Matthew McConaughey has shaved his glorious plugs-made hair and said “alright, alright, alright” to extra servings of pie for this Gold movie. I guess that means that Mathew McConaughey is going to play a superhero next. (That’s a studio’s cue to greenlight a Marijuanaman movie.)

And yes, yes I’d hit it. I’d ride it while playing his FUPA like a bongo.

Here’s more of Matthew McConaughey and Bryce Dallas Howard looking like they’re starring in a no-budget community theater production of American Hustle.

Pics: Splash

Behold, The Dude With The 19-Inch Dick: Would You Hit It?

The Hammaconda better bulk up by guzzling down gallons of Muscle Milk and Ensure, because there might be a dick that’s so big it can swallow the Hammaconda whole. (I’d pay good money to see that nature film.) Roberto Esquivel Cabrera is a 52-year-old man from Saltillo, Mexico and he recently cried to the Mexican media about how he’s got a 19-inch monster of a dick and it’s ruining his life. Roberto cried that his sex life is non-existent since chochas pass out whenever they see his party burrito peen and he lives on public assistance and scavenges for food, because he can’t work. Um, he should just throw a matted down toupee on his big dick’s head and enter it into the presidential election. It’s working out for fellow big dick Donald Trump.

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Would You Hit It?

Maybe I should tell you what “it” is before you say you’ll hit it or not. But then again, you may be a desperate, parched, hard-up slut tramp around-the-way skank ho like me who has no standards and will hit “it” first and ask what “it” is later.

But anyway, this is Jared Leto fighting, punching, slapping, stabbing, shooting, blowing up, shanking, drowning and setting fire to his hotness to play the Joker in Suicide Squad. Jared put up this picture of him in halfway (I’m guessing) Joker drag on Snapchat today. I highly doubt that’s the Joker’s final look, but if it is, then Suicide Squad’s hair and makeup budget must be $3 and a couple of Sally’s Beauty Supply coupons. I’m not really getting the Joker from this. I’m mostly getting a cross between the dude from Prodigy after having food poisoning for two weeks and Klaus Nomi after a 4-day meth binge.

It was nice of Jared to take a picture at that angle, though. Because now you know what he looks like when he’s on top of you and going all 300 on your guts with his Praetorian Guard’s helmet dick. (Or what he looks like when he watches you sleep in the morning and bends down to suck the breath out of your mouth.) I just want to gently grab Jared Leto’s face with one hand and with the other hand I want to grab a Sharpie and paint some exquisite brows on his face so he doesn’t look like a Sphynx cat whose owner put a fluffy green beanie on his head for Christmas.

With that said, yes, yes I’d hit, but I’d definitely have to bring along a Sharpie to give him some brows.

And if seeing Jared like this hurts your loins, here’s a palate cleanser in the form of Tom Hardy working a suit at the UK premiere of Child 44. Just try not to focus on the field of pubes on his neck.

Pics: Wenn.com 

Would You Hit It?

For that Nightcrawler movie, Jake Gyllenhaal lost a bunch of weight and transformed himself into a shriveled up cartoon worm. I saw Nightcrawler and damn, he looked like a paper skeleton and probably weighed about as much as one too. Dude was all eyes and I’m pretty sure all the weight he lost went directly to his eyeballs. His eyes bulged so much that he looked like a pug getting a prostate exam from a cold finger while high on meth. Jake probably lost the weight by only surviving on the hope of winning an OSCUH for that movie. It’s not going to happen, because starving your way to an Oscar is so 2013. But maybe putting on 15 pounds of muscle will do the trick.

Deadline farted up this picture from Antoine Fuqua’s Southpaw of a constipated-faced Jake looking as roided-up as one of Mickey Rourke’s dick veins. In Southpaw, which comes out next year, Jake plays a junior middleweight champion boxer who loses everything in a tragedy and has to fight his way back to “redemption.” Shit pretty much sounds like every other damn boxing movie. Antoine tells Deadline that Jake shot Southpaw after Nightcrawler, so he had to take his body from that of a malnourished, dehydrated polyp to that of Madonna’s. Jake spent every day in the gym and didn’t stop until he was covered in veins and muscles.

“Jake is going to change how people see him. I had him training twice a day in the boxing ring, he did two-a-days seven days a week. I pretty much had him with me and my trainer every day. I took him to almost every fight. I had him train at Floyd Mayweather’s gym in Vegas and we watched Floyd’s fights, and the Manny Pacquiao fight. He trained in New York at Church Gym with real fighters. We literally turned him into a beast… Jake, my god, he’s a very electric, powerful fighter in this movie, and a guy who fights for his daughter. I’m confident that this will change how people see Jake, as a leading man.”

Going from anorexic to Sylvester Stallone in a quick second (or however long it took) doesn’t sound fun. Just look at that picture. I don’t think Jake’s acting. I think his face is reacting to most of his internal organs freaking out from going from one extreme to the other. But get that Oscar, Jake.

In that picture, Jake’s body looks like the body of a 55-year-old West Hollywood gym queen who drives a yellow Miata and only owns sleeveless shirts, so yes, yes I’d hit.

Here’s also some pictures of Jake outside of The Late Show with David Letterman in NYC a few days ago.

Pics: Splash