What A Waste Of A Good Spliff

During her show in Amsterdam last night, Lady CaCa did what the Dutch do by taking a few hits from a spliff one of the Little Monsters gave her (at the 2:00 mark). It came in a fancy package and everything. Lady CaCa said that it wasn’t enough to get her high before she threw it into the audience where I’m sure one of the crazed Little Monsters picked it up and has had it surgically implanted up into their b-hole. CaCa really should’ve smoked that whole spliff, but only because having that thing hanging out of her talk hole might’ve kept her from spitting out the worst Madge impersonation ever. It almost sounds like a Filipino grandma doing a British accent. My ears don’t know what’s happening. CaCa really is snatching everything from Madge including the bad shit.

BONUS: If you want to know what happens when you mix the weed munches and costumes that are 3 sizes too small, then go to the Daily Mail to see ten pounds of CaCa in a five pound CaCa bag. That pussy wedgie will make your coochie lips cringe. And it might take your eyes a few minutes to adjust and realize that you’re not looking at a present day Vince Neil.

via HuffPo

FYI: 11-Year-Old Willow Smith Might’ve Pierced Her Tongue

The miniature Will Smith, Willow Smith, posted this picture to her Instagram (via Daily Mail) and it’s got some people siccing CPS on her full-time, Scientology-appointed babysitter or whoever the hell is raising her since it’s obviously not Jada and Will. In the state of California, kids under the age of 18 can’t get pierced without a parent’s permission, which is why most of us tried to pierce our “straight ear” (or the “other gay ear” as I call mine) using our abuelita’s sewing needle, a Ziploc bag full of ice and the determination to look like Jordan Knight. The key word being “tried,” because I couldn’t do it and quickly realized that the easiest way to achieve that look is by taping one of my mom’s earrings on my lobe. New Kids glamour without the pain.

Jada Pinkett Smith is forever trying to be “cool mom,” so I wouldn’t be surprised if she signed off on Willow stabbing her tongue for the sake of ~EDGY FASHUN~, but that looks fake to me. That stud is almost half the size of Willow’s head. If that shit is real, then I fully expect to see the Daily Mail headline “Willow Smith Rips Her Tongue Back And Forth,” because things won’t end well when you put braces and a tongue ring in the same mouth.

You know, now that I think about this shit, that piercing probably is real, but it has nothing to do with fashion. It’s just a Scientology tracking ball that doubles as a device that filters out any reasonable and honest statements before they leap off of Willow’s tongue. That’s all!

Kristen Stewart Doesn’t Care About You Voracious, Starving Shit Eaters

Well, there goes Kristen Stewart’s invitation to the Scat Queen Ball.

Kristen Stewart talked to Vanity Fair about her problems and it wouldn’t be a Kristen Stewart interview if a thin stream of ridiculousness didn’t fly out of her mouth at least once. Somehow the subject of Kristen sometimes looking like a window-licking spoiled toddler high on paint fumes came up. Kristen said that she’s a “weirdo” and a “creative Valley Girl who smokes pot” and if she put on a manufactured smile while posing on the red carpet, whores would call her a fake. Yeah, we’ve got a major badass right here.

“I have been criticized a lot for not looking perfect in every photograph. I get some serious shit about it. I’m not embarrassed about it. I’m proud of it. If I took perfect pictures all the time, the people standing in the room with me, or on the carpet, would think, What an actress! What a faker! That thought embarrasses me so much that I look like shit in half my photos, and I don’t give a fuck. What matters to me is that the people in the room leave and say, ‘She was cool. She had a good time. She was honest.’ I don’t care about the voracious, starving shit eaters who want to turn truth into shit. Not that you can say that in Vanity Fair!”

After seeing Twatlight, Mouth Breather White, Welcome to the Rileys and The Runaways, I can say with complete confidence that Kristen Stewart doesn’t ever have to worry about bitches accusing her of being an actress. You can smoke that worry away, KStew.

And is she really using “shit eater” as an insult when she posed with an adorable culo licker for the cover?

“What’s wrong with being a shit eater?” – that dog

Ke$hit Continues To Document Her Acts Of Severe Classiness

What ho hasn’t drunkenly pissed in the dirt on the side of the highway as flat bed trucks go driving by and who hasn’t squatted over a bar bathroom sink when the line for the regular toilet is too long? Every ho has! But of course, Garbage Pail Skank Ke$hit thinks she’s the first trick to do it and bragged about it to her Twatter followers (via UsWeekly) by sharing this picture with them. I know, she’s SO hardcore. I’d be more surprised if Ke$ha Tweeted a picture of herself using actual unused toilet paper to wipe. Ke$ha also added this note to the picture, which confirms that when she’s not making musical herpes, she’s writing spam e-mails:

pee pee on the street. PoPo come n get me if u can find meeee. I blame traffik.

PoPo? More like the health department. Think of all dogs who now have VD warts on their noses from sniffing on Ke$ha’s piss puddle (Yes, her coochie warts are so potent they can infect airborne). No, but seriously, if Ke$ha wasn’t a dumb a$$, she wouldn’t have given this picture out for free. Kim Kardashian made millions of dollars thanks to piss and Ke$ha ain’t got shit to show for it except pee stains in her chonies. Either keep it to yourself or #getmoneybitch.

And where was the Deputy Sheriff of PAPP (Pepaws Against Public Pissing) when we needed him most?

The Good Shit, The Bad Shit Or Crumbled Feta?

RiRi (aka the EDGEST and HARDEST bitch in the EDGY and HARD game) posted a bunch of pictures from Coachella on her Instragram and she included this one of her dealing with a mysterious substance on her paid slut carrier’s bald head. The Mirror tried to get to the bottom of this by zooming up close to see exactly what kind of situation is happening on dude’s head. These are the possibilities:

1. Spoiled coke bought from a Lohan.
2. Hacked up curdled cum (it happens).
3. Feta cheese, because there’s always time for feta cheese.
4. Dandruff. Dude is such a man that even his dandruff is full of testosterone.
5. Weed hit by a camera flash.

RiRi is rolling a blunt, so obviously it’s weed whitewashed by the flash, but that shouldn’t be the story here. The real story is that RiRi is using the head of her bodyguard (or whoever he is) as a human coffee table. Dude already has to carry this ho around like he’s her paid human lifeguard chair and then he has to deal with her scratching his head with her plastic red roach nails while rolling a blunt? I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t even let my own abuelita roll a blunt on my head. Okay, yes I would, but only because I really believe letting your grandma roll a blunt on your head is something you should experience in life.

This dude is a majorly devoted employee. If that was me, I would’ve scooped the weed from my head and screamed “WATCH FOR FALLING HOS” before leaning back. Then I’d roll my own blunt while walking to the unemployment office.

Yes, Blossom Is Still Breastfeeding Her 3-Year-Old

Mayim Bialik (correction: that’s Dr. Blossom to us) has said a million times before that she and her husband aren’t conventional, in society’s terms, when it comes to raising their two sons, 6-year-old Miles and 3.5-year-old Fred. And now Dr. Blossom has put all her holistic parenting tips in a new book called The Sling: A Real-Life Guide To Raising Confident, Loving Children The Attachment Parenting Way. In The Sling, Dr. Blossom writes about how she doesn’t use diapers during potty training time, doesn’t force her boys to sleep by themselves and isn’t putting a date on when she’s going to retire Fred’s mouth from her nipple. Basically, Dr. Blossom is QUIRKY!

While promoting the book, Dr. Blossom talked to Newsok.com (via Daily Mail) about the philosophies of the attachment parenting method and how she knows it’s not for all families, but it works for hers. Here’s a few pieces from Dr. Blossom’s interview that I’ve pre-chewed for you so it goes down easier. CAUTION: EXTREME HIPPINESS AHEAD:

On how they all sleep together as a family and how baby soap is devil smegma:

The progressive parents live in a very small Los Angeles home — their one-bedroom has two mattresses on the floor on which the family co-sleeps.

The children don’t have a playroom filled with the latest toys — Bialik and Roosevelt have made a conscious decision to keep their material lives simple and minimal. “Our society’s obsession with consumerism, especially in the realm of baby things, baby soaps and baby products. … That’s something that my husband and I, partly for frugality and partly for environmental reasons, have really rejected.”

On how letting babies piss in their quilted chonies can confuse them later when we tell them to sink the toilet Cheerios with their piss streams:

In “Beyond the Sling,” Bialik also writes about elimination communication as a form of early potty training that encourages parents to recognize their child’s natural signals instead of waiting until the child is older, then introducing the toilet.

“You’re basically training your child to use their pants as a bathroom and then two years later we have to turn around and do all sorts of complicated manipulations to get them to unlearn that,” she said.

On how she’s letting Fred decide when he’s had enough of her leche knob:

They were breast-fed until ready to quit — Bialik still nurses Fred sporadically, as he slowly weans himself.

What I’ve learned from this is that raising babies is hard, it requires a lot of thinking and it’s really, really fucking weird.

Dr. Blossom wrote a piece on her blog last September about how she tried to wean Fred off of her titty, but doing so made her realize that she’ll just let him suckle on her nipple until he’s done done. The last time I wrote about breastfeeding, La Leche League slapped me with a leaky nipple and squirted a whole lot of TRUTH into my eyes. They were right. I know nothing about breastfeeding. The closest I’ve come to breastfeeding is the time some trick was sucking on my nipple knob and made a sour puckery look like he just sucked up something gross. It was probably just a little old shower gel that was stuck up in there. I don’t know. I also don’t know if nursing a child with teeth makes your nipples look like chewed up pieces of pizza sausage (I’m sure there’s nipple rejuvenation surgery for that). But I do know that Dr. Blossom seems to care about not raising a couple of douchebags and I can appreciate that.

Although, I will side-eye that bitch if in 20 years she uploads a video of her squirting chichi leche into Fred’s mouth after he takes a bite of his wedding cake.