Category: Why God Why?
Hollywood Thinks We Need A Remake Of “Little Shop Of Horrors”
There are many things from the 80s that I think should rebooted and brought back like Jell-O 1-2-3, Stacey Q’s career and The Charmings. But there are even more things from the 80s that I think should not be rebooted and should be left alone, and Little Shop of Horrors is at the top of that list. But since Hollywood is pretty much just a giant Audrey II who gets more powerful by eating and killing what you love most, they’re planning to remake Little Shop of Horrors.
Because We Haven’t Been Through Enough, A 24-Hour Taylor Swift Channel Is Coming
Since AT&T acquired both DIRECTV and Time-Warner, it’s clear that they’re plotting domination in the U.S. and it looks like part of their domination plan includes bringing us, the people, to our knees and subduing our senses. And their new all Taylor Swift channel is going to do just that.
The Classiest And Most Modest Wedding Of Our Time Is Off!
Everyone has the sads today. Humanity has the sads because we’ve been cheated out of video clips of Mariah Carey cooing out her vows (read: lyrics from one of her songs) while wearing a modest ensemble (read: a pink diamond-encrusted bodysuit with a 25-foot long train) and standing next to a witness (read: the real Lisa Frank) at the City Clerk’s Office (read: an exact replica of Cinderella’s Castle that she had built in her backyard). Hello Kitty has the sads because she won’t get to walk Mimi down the aisle anytime soon. And Mimi’s bank accounts have the sads, because now she has to spend her own money since she and Billionaire Shrek are done! For now, anyway.
This Is Why I Cry Today: The CW Is Rebooting “Dynasty”
Here’s my short response to this news: NOOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOOOO!
There should be an American law stating that Dynasty is an important historical artifact and is not allowed to be fucked with in any way. But since the world is a shit place, that is not a law that exists, so The CW is planning to take Dynasty, stomp on it until its dust and then shit on it. I would sell my family if TNT gave Dynasty the Dallas treatment by doing a sequel starring some of the originals, but The CW is doing a complete re-telling. Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage, who are responsible for Gossip Girl, are behind this travesty. 2016 has really gone and done it this time.
August 16, 2016: The Day Justin Bieber’s Instagram Page Went Dark
Instagram is a little less douchey today, because Justin Bieber has come through on his promise to lock out his fans from his page. After the Beliebers spit out gloppy drool balls of hate at the Biebs’ current girlfriend, 17-year-old Sofia Richie, on Instagram, he threatened to punish their evil asses by making his page private. Early this morning, the Biebs took his promise to another level by deleting himself from Instagram. But as some Beliebers put on their Janie and Jack brand black veils to mourn the death of their toddler god’s Instagram page, many others are celebrating like weed has been legalized everywhere, Kraft has brought back Jell-O 1-2-3 and Playboy Enterprises has announced that they’re launching Playginge and its inaugural issue will feature pictures of a naked Prince Hot Ginge. Many are happy and the hashtag #JustinBieberDeactivatedParty was trending for hours.
Lifetime Is Remaking “Beaches” Because They Hate Us
All together now (to the tune of the “flyyyyy” part of Wind Beneath My Wings): ♫ Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy whyyyyyyyyy whyyyyyyyyyyyyy ♫
Garry Marshall’s body has barely gone cold and those butchers at Lifetime have already made plans to pull out one of his classics and hack it to bits. Deadline reports that Lifetime has given the thumbs up to a remake of 1988’s Beaches starring Idina Menzel. Even though Idina’s look is more “Hillary” than “CC,” Lifetime has cast her as C.C. Bloom, the role that Bette Midler played to perfection in the original. Lifetime’s version will include the songs “Wind Beneath My Wings” and “The Glory of Love,” as well as new and original songs. Lifetime’s Bitches (on purpose typo and it stays) will terrorize our TV screens next year. Here’s a few more details from Deadline:
Allison Anders (Ring of Fire) will direct the Lifetime remake from a script by Bart Baker (Honeymoon with Harry) and Nikole Beckwith (Stockholm, Pennsylvania). Di Novi and Greenspan executive produce for A+E Studios. Production is set to begin on August 15.
Whenever I scream, “ILLEGAL,” over Hollywood slaughtering another classic from our childhoods, some trick will e-mail me to say that remakes happen, get over it and blah blah blah… I know, the audacity of someone accusing me of being melodramatic! But the thing is, it sounds like Lifetime isn’t even doing anything new with Beaches. It seems like they’re just bringing it into “modern day” and since Lifetime is doing it, it’ll be low-budget as hell and the beach scenes will be shot in the sandbox of a park in the Valley somewhere.
If they insist on remaking Beaches, they should do something new. Do an all-animal version starring Bandito and Luigi! Or a gay version! One way to get Richard Simmons to twirl out of retirement is to offer him the role of C.C. Bloom in an all-gay remake of Beaches.
Here’s the basic cable CC Bloom yodeling at a gala in NYC last month:
Pics: Wenn.com