Elizabeth Olsen Dumped Tom Hiddleston

Elizabeth Olsen and Tom Hiddleston never came out and said, “Yup, our fuck parts rub together every day, all day,” and even she said that her chocha isn’t regularly getting Hiddleston’d. But the tabloids kept saying that they’re 100% a couple… and now Star (via Classicalite) is saying that they’re 100% not a couple anymore.

Star’s source (Hi, Lizzie Olsen’s publicist! I hope you had a good holiday!) says that Elizabeth Olsen didn’t break up with Tom Hiddleston because she was sick of his fans calling her all the time to say, “I hope you die.” That doesn’t bother Elizabeth at all since she’s used to a creepy voice saying, “I hope you die,” when she picks up the phone. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen say that to her every time they call. It’s their way of saying “hello.” The source says that Elizabeth dumped Tom because she doesn’t want to get into anything serious.

“Elizabeth’s so focused on her career. She wasn’t sure she could handle a serious relationship right now.”

I know, Elizabeth Olsen needs an MRI stat, because there must be something wrong with her brain area if she’s choosing to work instead of doing Tom Hiddleston all the time. But really, getting dumped by Elizabeth Olsen may have saved Tom Hiddleston’s life! If they were still together, she would’ve dragged him to Mary-Kate’s ciggie smoke cloud of a wedding and if he went to Mary-Kate’s ciggie smoke cloud of a wedding, he would’ve ended up coughing up his blackened lungs on the floor as the Trollsens danced around him while cackling.

Pic: Getty

Tom Hiddleston Has An Elegant Way Of Talking About His Crazy Ass Fans

The craziest members of the Hiddlestoners have been accused of doing some insane shit like jumping on him at events, nearly trampling each other to get an autograph from him, following him home and on and on and on and on… (“Eh, is that all?” said a Cumberbitch before breaking into B. Cums’ bedroom to rub their bare crotch on all of his unworn underwear.) Tom Hiddleston has said before that he’s sick of being asked to take selfies and some of his fans can get obsessive by telling him that he’s solely responsible for certain things that have happened to them in their lives. In other words, some are insane. During an interview with The Guardian to promote Crimson Peak, Tom was asked about his over-obsessed fans and he said these words of polite diplomatic poetry about the whole situation:

“[It’s] an odd experience. But I won’t be the first person to have thought that. I’m only in control of my own integrity. I’m accountable for everything I’ve done and I understand that. Everything else is out of my control.”

That’s either a polite way of saying, “Get some integrity too, you crazy bitches!” or it’s a polite way of letting everyone know that he carries pepper spray and always has a stack of restraining orders in his jacket pocket.

Tumblr’s favorite fap material continued to talk about integrity when he was asked about his public persona:

“I have tried with all my power for there not to be any inauthenticity. There is no version of me presented to you that’s been created or is artificial. The people I’ve always respected have an integrity that is unassailable.”

And he’s so careful about his public persona that he’s not going to talk about politics (take note, rest of Hollywood).

“I’m not in the business of being politically divisive. I don’t want to set a precedent. It’s a private matter. I believe in kindness. I believe very profoundly in that. I believe in bravery and courage, in being true to your word … Very unfashionable.”

The Guardian’s interviewer said that Tom was very careful with his words, because he knows the game and knows that there’s a chance his quotes can be taken out of context. I feel that, because in this interview, he sounded like a cross between Jesus and the hero in a Disney movie. I don’t know whether I want to lay at his Jesus sandals and listen to him talk about “integrity” or help him put his dragon-fighting armor on as he gives a speech about “bravery.” Oh God, I hope that doesn’t mean I’m turning into a fucking Hiddlestoner.

And here’s Tom at the BFI London Film Festival premiere of High Rise with Elisabeth Moss and Sienna Miller who is wearing something that Marcia Brady would wear if she joined a cult in the 70s.

Pics: Wenn.com

Tom Hiddleston Bared His Ass In A Movie In The Name Of Equality

With just a few words, Tom Hiddleston has guaranteed that his movie Crimson Peak will make at least $500 million in its opening weekend, because his horny fans will pay to see multiple showings so they can experience multiple genital squirts while seeing his blown-up ass cheeks on an IMAX (more like clIMAX) screen. While promoting Crimson Peak during an interview with E!, Tom said that his porcelain peaks make an appearance in the movie, because lady nipples show up in movies all the time and he feels like it’s time to balance it out with more man parts.

“It’s so often in movies that women are more naked than men and that’s unfair. We wanted to sort of redress the balance. I didn’t have a problem with the nakedness because I felt that there’s always been a strain of sexuality in Gothic romance as much as there has been the fear of death and the threat of violence. It’s a very violent film and I felt like we needed to balance that. So if we’re going to bring up the violence we needed to bring up the sense of sexuality.”

I’m with Tom and I’m all for his “More Naked Dudes” movement, but just showing his ass isn’t going to balance things. Millions of movies have servings of man ass in it. I’ll just name a few (just a few): Showgirls, Magic Mike, Magic Mike XXL, Shame, Troy, The Terminator, American Gigolo, Demolition Man, Love and Other Drugs, American Psycho, In The Cut, Friends with Benefits, The Wolf of Wall Street, The Full Monty, Die Hard 2, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Lethal Weapon, Blue Velvet and Starship Troopers.

And that’s just what’s in my head. That’s not even 1/4th of what’s in the file folder on my desktop titled “Man Ass In Movies.” So if Tom really wants to be at the forefront of equality, he needs to show his rock hard peen under bright lights and in front of a 3D camera. Do it, Tom! Do it for feminism!

And here’s Tom with Luke Evans and a lubed-up Sienna Miller at the premiere and photo call for his other new movie High Rise at the San Sebastian International Film Festival in Spain.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Elizabeth Olsen Isn’t Regularly Doing Tom Hiddleston, So Says Elizabeth Olsen

Elizabeth Olsen’s vagine became the object of Tumblr’s jealousy a few months ago when UsWeekly said that it was getting several servings of the Hiddleston dick. A couple of months later, pictures came out of Elizabeth hiding her face while leaving a restaurant in London with Tom Hiddleston and other sources said that they have gone from fuck buddies to something a little more serious. But while promoting I Saw The Light at TIFF, Elizabeth made it clear that she and Tom aren’t a thing, so all you Hiddlestoners can stop sending her death threats. Besides, sending death threats to Elizabeth Olsen is not a good idea, because she’ll just forward them to the Trollsens who will skin you alive and use your hide to make a $4,600 purse.

Refinery 29 asked the Other Olsen about I Saw The Light, but nobody really cares about that shit, so they got to talking about if she’s boning Tom Hiddleston on the regular or not.

There have been a lot of links between you and Tom Hiddleston, about you two dating. I don’t know if that’s something you confirm, but how do you feel —
“I mean, we definitely are friends and we’ve known each other for about four years. And we happened to be at a restaurant at a wrong time having dinner. We all go out to dinner.”

How do you react when you see that in the press?
“Well, apparently, I’m dating Chris Evans, and apparently, I’ve dated Jeremy Renner, so I guess that… I don’t react to it.”

So you’re not dating Tom?
“No. I mean people can think what they want to think.”

I believe her. If she was seriously dating Tom, she probably would’ve taken him to the tree trunk house at the edge of the bridge to meet her sisters and during that meeting, the life in his eyes would’ve flickered out as he watched Mary-Kate and Ashley make out with their dudes at the dinner table. Tom doesn’t look dead inside in these pictures from TIFF, so I’m guessing he’s never met the Trollsens. And Elizabeth’s right. We can think what we want to think. So I’m just going to tell myself that Elizabeth is a three-way beard and she’s bearding for Tom, Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner who are secretly dating each other. Thanks for the tip, Lizzie!

And here’s Tom at a TIFF press conference for High-Rise with Elisabeth Moss and Luke Evans today.

Pics: Getty, Splash

Tom Hiddleston And The Third Olsen Papped In A Car Together. Is Tumblr Still Standing?

Last night in London, the paps jumped on the panty creaming prince of  Tumblr, Tom Hiddleston, and the Olsen who doesn’t live in the hallowed out trunk of a rotten tree and lures small children to her lair with candy before nibbling on pieces of their pristine souls. Tom and Elizabeth Olsen left The Wolseley in London and the paps got on them as he hailed a cab. The picture above is one of the only pictures where the Marilyn Munster of the Olsens is showing her full mug. In the rest of the pictures below, she’s hiding her face the same way a one-night trick hides his face as he leaves my place in the daylight hours.

Tom and Elizabeth have apparently been boning for a couple of months after “getting close” while shooting the Hank Williams biopic I Saw The Light. They haven’t come out and said that they’re genitals are becoming one and last night it looked like Elizabeth was not here for the attention. But if I was her, I wouldn’t be hiding my face and trying to get away from the paps. I’d be laughing and smiling and doing cartwheels down the street before opening up my cape coat thing to show off my t-shirt with the words “I’m Going Home To Fuck Your Man, Tumblr. Cry, Bitches” written on it in sequins. And Hawkeye really needs to sit Loki down and give him a thorough lesson in beauty. Jeremy Renner would teach Tom how to properly blend so he won’t be caught with a messy fake tanner face game again.

Pics: Splash

Elizabeth Olsen Was Using Tom Hiddleston As A Decoy So She Could Secretly Date Chris Evans

Back in May, lips started whispering that the sister holding the Olsen twins’ spare set of kidneys, Elizabeth Olsen, and Tom Hiddleston were informally rubbing sticks and stones together after she called it quits with her fiancé Boyd Holbrook. Well, according to the The National Enquirer (via Hollywood Gossip), it was all just lies to distract you from the truth: that she’s actually doing fellow Avenger Chris Evans. And just like that, every Hiddlestan dropped their pitchforks and slowly backed away from Elizabeth Olsen’s house.

A source says that Scarlet Witch and Captain America have been getting their secret hump on during the filming of Captain America: Civil War in Atlanta, but want to keep it on the down-low because Chris Evans doesn’t want to be seen as a skirt-chasing pussy hound.

“Chris is paranoid about his womanizing becoming public while he’s on this multi-picture deal with Marvel. He’s protecting his image, and will bend over backwards to keep things quiet.”

In the past fourteen months, Chris has been rumored to be doing Elizabeth Olsen, Lily Collins, Lucy Pinder, and Sandra Bullock. “Who’s the slut now?” hissed Black Widow.

I don’t know why Elizabeth and Chris had to concoct such an elaborate scheme to cover their fucking tracks and drag Tom Hiddleston into this mess. If anyone cornered Elizabeth at the craft services table and asked her if she’s banging Captain America, all she had to do is pull an Ariana Grande and claim he’s just a “friend with a penis.” Then again, this news is from the Enquirer, which means there’s a 99.9999% chance it’s a pile of lies. Maybe this lie is also a lie meant to distract us from the REAL truth: that Chris Evans is secretly banging Betty White. I knew it! Get it, Golden Girl.