And Here’s Reese Witherspoon’s Most Hilarious Performance Ever

To sort of quote Reese Witherspoon in this dashboard cam video from the night she was arrested for being a drunken, annoying twat, “This is beyond BEYOND….HILARIOUS!” 

The footage from the dashboard cab of Reese and her husband Jim Toth getting arrested magically landed in TMZ’s lap and they posted three videos of her shouting out priceless lines like, “I am an American citzen!” and “You’re about to find out who I am!” THIS TRASHY BITCH pulling rank! Who the hell does she think she is? Randy from South Park?

The cherry on top of this drunken, red wine-infused sundae is Jim, standing there all quiet-like, wishing he had the power to disappear. Then Jim delivers the real punchline: “I had nothing to do with that.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

These two drunk messes should take their act on the road. Only neither of them should drive. Jim seems like the type who speaks a maximum of 20 words a day and he uses seven words daily to say “I had nothing to do with that” to everybody that Reese is bitchy to.

And here’s Reese telling the cop that she needs to use the bathroom, because she’s knocked up. I guess we now know that when Laura Jeanne Poon gets drunk, her twang comes out.

And finally, here’s Jim trying to blow blow blow blow blow blow for the cop.

If Reese and Jim would’ve put their heads together and blown blown blown blown blown the cop, they wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.

Jim pleaded guilty to DUI today and Reese pleaded no contest. Jim won’t go to jail, but he will have to perform 40 hours of community service. Reese has to pay a $213 fine and that’s it. I was going to say that now that night is behind them, but that’s not completely true, because these beautiful videos will live on forever and beyond.

Chelsea Handler Doesn’t Want To Be Somebody’s Mother, Ever

During an episode of The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet, Chelsea Handler said that the only kind of little people that she wants to suck on her chichis are the ones who are fully grown adults named Chuy Bravo. Jennifer Aniston’s partner in boozery says that she is a wonderful mother to a bottle of Grey Goose, but she’d be a crap mother to a human baby who needs actual attention.

“I definitely don’t want to have kids. I don’t think I’d be a great mother. I don’t want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don’t have the time to raise a child.

Childhood was heartbreaking enough for anybody. I don’t know that I could handle my own child, especially if I had a girl, going through what I went through growing up. Not that it was so traumatic, but in many ways, it was in your own way.”

Chelsea would probably be the kind of mother who gives her kid whiskey when it screams too much, does lines off of its bald head when she’s breast feeding and when it cries out for her and she doesn’t want to deal with it, she’d give it a piece of salmon jerky in a blonde wig to cuddle with (it won’t know the difference). I don’t see the problem! That’s basically what White Oprah did with all of her kids and look how wonderful that turned out.

via Radar

Reese Witherspoon Is Sorry She Was An Asshole To A Cop

Reese Witherspoon (or Laura Jeanne Poon as I’ll forever know her as), seen above with her hungover husband Jim Toth at a screening for Mud in NYC last night, is really sorry that she was a drunk, uppity, holier-than-thou twat when her husband got busted for DUI and she got busted for disorderly conduct in Atlanta over the weekend. As Sandra Bullock ripped the “America’s Sweetheart” sash from Reese’s body, Reese tried to put the bitch back in the bag by releasing this damage control statement to People:

“Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now. But I do want to say, I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said.

It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that is no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. The words I used that night definitely do not reflect who I am. I have nothing but respect for the police and I’m very sorry for my behavior.”

I wonder what “scary situation” Laura Jeanne Poon is talking about? Is she talking about how her evil possum-faced husband turned their rented Ford Focus into a death machine by drunkenly weaving across a double line? No, probably not. Or is she talking about how a question mark covered the police officer’s face when she asked him, “Do you know my name?” Yeah, that’s totally the scary situation Reese is talking about since nothing is scarier for a self-entitled celebrity than a peon not knowing who they are.

And now Reese knows that nothing good comes out of using the “Do you know who I am?!” line. Sometimes it’ll get you locked up and nothing will ruin your buzz like sitting under fluorescent lighting in a police station.

Here’s more of Reese at the screening for Mud which also brought out Matthew McConaughey, Camila Alves and Sarah Paulson. No, the Texas T-Rex does not have to apologize for wearing one of the Mad Hatter’s old suits, because that shit is the look.

Reese Witherspoon Got Arrested And Pulled Some “Do You Know Who I Am?” Shit (UPDATE: Here’s Her Mug Shot!)

Vanessa Lutz would be proud, because Reese Witherspoon got arrested early Friday morning for being a mouthy mess.

Both TMZ and Variety say that after midnight on Friday morning, police in Atlanta pulled Reese’s husband Jim Toth over, because he wasn’t driving right and they figured his ass was drunk. Police say that Jim’s silver Ford Focus was weaving across a double line on Peachtree Street. The cops say Jim Toth looked a mess and he smelled like a Lohan on any given day. While the cops gave Jim a sobriety test, Reese, who I’m guessing was also drunk as shit, hung out the window and told the officer that she didn’t believe he was a real cop (HAHAHAHA!). The officer wrote in the police report that he told Reese, “to sit on her butt and be quiet.”

Reese didn’t do that. When she got out of the car, the officer told her to get back in the car and she told him that she is a US citizen and has the right to stand on American ground. The cop then decided that he was not only going to arrest Jim Toth, but he was going to put Reese in handcuffs too. Reese put up a little struggle when he grabbed her arm to arrest her. The exchange between drunk ass Reese and the cop is a classic:

As the report details, “Mrs. Witherspoon asked, “Do you know my name?” I answered, “No, I don’t need to know your name.” I then added, “right now.” Mrs. Witherspoon stated, “You’re about to find out who I am.”

The report also specified, “Mrs. Witherspoon also stated, ‘You are going to be on national news.’ I advised Mrs. Witherspoon that was fine.”

Jim blew a .139 on a Breathalyzer test and was arrested for DUI and failure to maintain a lane while driving. Reese was charged with disorderly conduct. They made bond and were released a few hours later. Reese is in Atlanta to shoot the movie The Good Lie.

Here I was thinking that Reese was as bland and boring as lukewarm tap water in a Dixie cup. But nope, it took just one story for me to learn that Reese is an entitled, snooty ass messy mess who’s got her head shoved all the way up her culo. I kind of love it when a crack forms on a wholesome apple pie. The only thing that comes out of a trick using the “Do you know who I am?” line is that they’ll forever be known as the trick who uses the “Do you know who I am?” line.

And I’m going to need Reese to reenact that entire scene with the cop as Vanessa Lutz. And I’m also going to need to see their mug shots, because you know that shit is a wreck.

UPDATE: YAAASS! And now, above is Reese’s mug shot courtesy of Fox5. Even bitch’s eyebrows look drunk. That’s not the best part of the picture, though. The best part is that it’s cut off and it looks like her name is Laura Jeanne Poon. From now on, I don’t know who this Reese Witherspoon is, but I definitely know who Laura Jeanne Poon is.

Lindsay Lohan Is Broke Off, Dozed Off In São Paulo

Next to video of a train derailing before crashing into the side of a building, this picture is the best visual definition of the current state of Lindsay Lohan’s life. The people of São Paulo have been told to triple lock their bottles of booze and hide their valuables under bars of soap (she’ll never look there), which means that Lindsay Lohan is in town. LiLo is currently in Brazil to collect a six figure check for promoting a clothing line called John John. TMZ posted this picture from Twitterer @orgastic-desire of LiLo mingling with the cigarette butts and other pieces of trash while hiding under the DJ table at a club. Mess.

TMZ says that LiLo was at the club for hours and when a bunch of people started asking her to take pictures with them, she refused and hid from them under the table.

Everybody should leave Lindsay Lohan alone. After a long, hard day of snatching bracelets and snorting mini bottles of vodka on a plane ride to Brazil, you too would want to take a quick, early morning disco nap on a comfortable concrete floor under a table at a club. Sometimes a mess just needs a quiet moment to herself to get her thoughts together (aka snort a line of the bad shit) in peace while sitting on a dried puddle of whiskey. A dried puddle of whiskey that probably has Syphilis now.

But really, who hasn’t been there? If you replace that club with a suburban backyard, replace that black table with a plastic white lawn table from KMart, replace those stolen Louboutins with dollar store flip-flops and replace that glass of vodka masquerading as water with a cup of white wine and Mountain Dew, that’ll be me this weekend!

Lindsay Lohan Will Party In Brazil Before Going To Rehab

Before Lindsay Lohan checks herself into lockdown rehab for 90 days, she’s going to fly to Brazil to collect a six-figure check to pose and party at several events. TMZ says that right after LiLo shoots a guest appearance on her sugar daddy’s show Anger Management, she’s taking her freckled ass to South America. If the California Justice System really wants LiLo to serve that 90 days, they better attach a 6,000 mile-long leash on her ass, because something tells me bitch is going to predictably “lose” her passport or she’s going to marry a South American drug lord and stay down there forever. Brazil better close their doors to all things Lohan before they’re stuck with her ass.

LiLo still owes the IRS over $100,000 and since they refused White Oprah’s offer to call it even in exchange for Cody Lohan’s internal organs, LiLo has to somehow come up with the money. Some source tells TMZ that LiLo made a six-figure deal with a clothing line to promote their shit in Brazil. LiLo leaves on Wednesday. Since TMZ’s source’s name probably rhymes with Vina Hohan, she’s probably exaggerating as usual and by “six-figures” she really means two 8-balls and a half bottle of gin.

In other LiLo news, TMZ also says that even though she accepted 90 days in rehab, she doesn’t think she has a problem with booze and keeps filling her body with the sweet nectar. LiLo was guzzling down vodka sodas just hours after she was sentenced to rehab and she’s been partying ever since. On Friday night, LiLo and a friend showed up to a club called FLUXX in San Diego and sat at a VIP table. LiLo apparently didn’t want to be seen, because she wore a hoodie sweatshirt and a cap. Several vodkas on the rocks made their way down LiLo’s throat and she demanded that the server bring her vodka in a glass carafe, because she didn’t want any booze bottles on the table.

TMZ also reports that a bear shit in the woods on Friday night.

Lindsay Lohan getting as much booze in her body as she can before she checks into rehab is about as surprising as me spending my Friday night drunkenly watching Showgirls on Cinemax and reciting every single line. I can’t do a lot of things while drunk (example: pee standing up), but I can perfectly recite every line in Showgirls.