Lindsay Lohan Says She’ll Never Ever Ever Move Back To Los Angeles

December 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like an old gypsy woman seconds before she blows a curse on someone (“There! Now you have the herpes!“), the former Queen of Messy Hollywood Lindsay Lohan is officially abdicating her throne. During an interview with The Guardian, Lindsay revealed that she loved living in London for 9 months while she performed Speed-The-Plow, and she has no plans to move back to home. But if she did have to return home for some reason (example: Dina needing 24-hour care after getting her arm caught in a vending machine that sells boxed wine), she says it sure as hell won’t be to Los Angeles. When asked if she’d ever return to her kingdom, the Apricot Ashtray hissed:

“I won’t live in LA again, hell no. My friends tell me shit when they come over I don’t want to hear. I don’t even know who got married and who got pregnant. You turn on the news in LA and it is all gossip about people. All the stuff that is going on in the world right now and this gossip is the news? I love the BBC. I haven’t heard myself mentioned on TV since I have been here. That has been really weird for me, and great.”

She also goes on to say that she’s matured while living in London and that she wants to do more theatre and bla bla bla it’s only a matter of time before she starts referring to herself as Lady Lindsay Lohan of Covent Garden.

Obviously she hasn’t heard herself mentioned on TV in London: the news only has so much time, and they need to discuss the UK’s most hottest celebrities, like Baby Prince George and Benjamin the Pygmy Goat. Besides, I doubt The Queen’s corgi’s care that some freckled Yankee skank went to the Chiltern Firehouse for the 4,638th time.

I understand why Lindsay likes living in London (if my parents were Dina and Michael Lohan, I’d move far away from their trashy asses too), but I can’t understand choosing to live so far away from Los Angeles and all those delicious In-N-Outs. Hell, I’d cut off my left arm for a double-double with extra mustard right now! Apricot Ashtray, you crazy.

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