Tara Reid Is The Two Piece, All That’s Missing Is The Biscuit

I’m typing this from a modified fetal position under my kitchen table because looking at pictures of Tara Reid in the sun and sand when I’ve already careened through what was supposed to be a “light snow” this morning is edging me toward despair (shout out to my weatherman). I never though Tara of all people could be on a low-rent Aniston-style vacay and turn me into such a bitter bitch, but here we are.

Tara and her boyfriend Erez Elsen, who kind of looks like a grade school version Michael Bublé, were in Miami Beach yesterday where she ate pizza, drank beer and brined her ass jerky in the water. Tara isn’t looking too bad here if you grade on a curve using her own fuckery. She’s upright, neither one of her boobs is trying to make a run for it and nobody mistook her abs for a xylophone. Just try not to focus too much on the backside area unless you’re prepared to crave pancakes, chicken and waffles or Chinese food (and deliver some to my lazy ass under the table) and you’ll be good.

The only thing that would make these pictures better (besides a lower quality camera) is if Ian Ziering was chainsawing himself out of a shark in the background. Who knew that smarmy, mullety asshole Steve Sanders would actually be kind of hot someday and I may or may not still have Sharknado saved on my DVR for when I’m bored and on my third glass of Reisling.

(Photos: Splash)