It Was All Ashlee’s Fault!

I knew it. Ever since Ashlee Simpson broke the house that Hot Topic built by filing for divorce from the Emo Chia Pet, Pete Wentz, he’s been crying out a waterfall of sad tears that has sucked every bit of moisture from his hair and left the top of his head looking like a Kardashian’s unshaven armpit. Ashlee’s side put the blame on Pete by saying she wanted to live a simple life with their son Queens Shere Khan, but he continued to travel the world with his band. Now Pete’s side is putting their gayliner on extra thick and heading into battle against Ashlee. They claim that as their marriage started to crumble like her vocal cords whenever she tries to sing, she stayed out until dawn.

A source tells UsWeekly that Ashlee regularly used her chin to muddle mojitos and other boozy beverage for hot skaters in San Clemente. While Pete was away, the chin did play! The source puts it like this, “Ashlee has been out late partying for the past few months. Pete would constantly check in on Ashlee, and he’d have his friends call the house and her cell to make sure she said she was where she said she was going to be. He felt like he couldn’t trust her.”

And there’s more! A different source tells Popeater that Papa Joe has once again stuck his fupa (I mean that both figuratively and literally) between his daughter and her husband. Papa Joe loves it that Ashlee is single again and he has her right where he wants her, “Joe is doing nothing to encourage Ashlee to give the marriage another try, if only for the sake of her son. Joe likes being the only man in his daughters’ lives and is happy that Ashlee has moved back into his home [in Encino, Calif.], just like Jessica did after she announced she was leaving Nick. Joe got rid of Nick, and now he is saying goodbye to Pete.”

Ashlee Simpson is as dumb as Jessica Simpson’s toilet for moving back in with Papa Joe. If Ashlee boozed a lot while she was living with Pete, then she’s going to stay DRUNK while living with Papa Joe. Bitch is going to have to down a full-bottle shot of boric acid every time Papa Joe shimmies into her room, drops his chonies and declares, “Look! Thanks to a bottle of black RIT, I’ve got a Pete Wentz ‘do down there too!” And really, Papa Joe is going to do that every hour on the hour.

FINALLY! Sienna Miller Is On The Prowl Again!

The stroll has been aching to hear the roar of Sienna Miller’s bulldozer vag and wives have been sleeping a little too soundly lately, so it pleases me to learn that things between her on-and-off again piece Jude Law are set to off again. Don’t bother declaring a CODE: LOCK UP YER HUZBANDZ, because Sienna can pick a lock with her clit and sniff out precious metal dust on a wedding finger from miles away.

A friend of Jude Law tells People that there wasn’t any kind of scandal involved with their break-up and their relationship simply ran out of breath, stopped and walked over to the bleachers to take an indefinite nap. Jude’s rep confirms that Sienna is no longer licking the skin triangles on his head.

Thank the homewrecking slut gods for this. Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes’ homewrecking game is just pathetic and Blake Lively’s acts of ho shit are laughable. It’s like they’re all still taking classes at a Montessori school and Sienna is teaching the MASTER CLASS at fucking Harvard. Seasoned Sienna is finally back and I’m sure she’ll be better than ever once she squirts a little WD-40 on her rusty parts and gets things going again. I really can’t wait to see which dude will star in the next episode of Sienna’s Extreme Makeover: Homewrecker Edition. Move that bus!

Reason For Divorce: Irreconcilable Baby Wipes Addiction

Terrence Howard’s wife of only one year Michelle Howard, seen her trying to hide the down low discomfort she feels from over-baby wiping her chocha, has filed for divorce. Terrence and Michelle made wipes every variety cry Propylene glycol tears of happiness when they were married on January 20, 2010. Michelle wrote January 27, 2011 as the day their marriage fell into a Pamper and got stuffed into a Diaper Genie.

Radar reports that Michelle wants spousal support and is also asking that Terrence take care of her legal fees. Terrence and Michelle never had children, because he didn’t want her sharing her stash of Baby Wipes with anybody else!

Terrence’s voice could melt the ice in my well whiskey, but that bitch has the wrong kind of OCD. Michelle couldn’t use the bathroom without Terrence putting his ear up to the door to make sure her hand never touched that roll of toilet paper. After she finished, Terrence went in there and counted every damn sheet! If Michelle’s pussy didn’t smell like baby ass and Purell, he sent her back to the bathroom to try again. Michelle is divorcing that motherfucker, because she wants CHARMIN back in her life. It’s as simple as that.

Two Boring Pretty People Broke Up

Because coordinating outfits with your piece gets exhausting after a while, Keira Knightley and her boyfriend of 5 years Rupert Friend have stuffed the pieces of their relationship into a GLAD bag and thrown it on the back of a truck heading for the nearest dumpster. There were rumors that Keira and Rupert stopped creating impromptu Vogue editorials together months ago, but her father confirmed their split to The Sun today.

Daddy Knightley didn’t say why 25-year-old Keira and 29-year-old Rupert are no longer bumping pelvic bones, but a friend says that all the paparazzi attention is to blame. The friend explained, “Rupert hates the idea of being followed and photographed. Keira partially had to accept it because of her rising profile. It affected the harmony in the relationship. The pressure took its toll and both decided they should go their separate ways. They will remain life-long friends.”

PAP ATTENTION?! They were good at hiding their hate for the paps then, because almost every candid I’ve seen of them looks like a European Chico’s ad. They gave FACE! POUT! FACE! SULLEN! FACE! for days. My guess is that the real reason they broke up is because they were sick of setting the smoke detectors off when they rubbed their cheekbones together while making out.

And I know Keira’s name is spelled differently, but it always makes me think of David from The Real World: Seattle and his secret girlfriend Kira. Remember his amazing freak out in a damn pickup truck?

“Kiiiiiiira, Kiiiiiiiiiiiira, you’re breaking my haaaaaaht!” Please tell me Rupert and Keira had the same kind of break-up fight in a pick-up truck on the streets of London? But I’m sure they looked devastatingly FIERCE while doing so.

Shakira And Her Boyfriend Announce Their Break Up In A Letter To The World

When Shakira and Antonio de la Rua told all of us to gather in the “nice” living room and sit in a row on the sofa, we knew something serious was going to go down. But when they carried the armchairs from the dining room and sat in front of us, we knew something serious SERIOUS was going down. Then Shakira pulled out a letter the two co-wrote during one of their therapy sessions and calmly told us that after 11 years together, they quietly split last summer. We might have noticed that Antonio hasn’t been around lately. Shakira made excuses like, “Oh, he’s working late and is going to sleep on the sofa in his office.” But the truth is, Antonio moved out! They still love us very much and we can visit Antonio at his new apartment any time we want. And then Shakira softly read the letter (via Shakira’s blog):

Dear Friends,

During our almost 11 years together we have loved each other deeply, taken care of each other and stood by one another. They have been the most wonderful years of our lives, and thanks to that love and the respect that we share for one another we have been an exceptional couple and partners.

However, since August 2010, we made a mutual decision to take time apart from our romantic relationship. Throughout this time we have continued to work together hand in hand, have remained close and have kept the details absolutely private until now.

We view this period of separation as temporary and as a time of individual growth as we continue to be partners in our business and professional lives.

Antonio continues to oversee and conduct my business and career interests as he has always done. We move forward as partners, developing projects together, working hand in hand and in close communication. Our friendship and understanding of one another is unwavering and indestructible.

We would like to advise that we will not be giving interviews or making more statements with respect to this matter and we appreciate in advance your understanding and respect during this sensitive time in our lives.

Shakira and Antonio

I really do love that they wrote a letter that started with “Dear Friends…” Doesn’t it make you feel all special? Like your parents giving you the “divorce” talk. But Shakira and Antonio really didn’t have to write that letter. They just had to show us the picture above and it would’ve told us everything. Yup, that dog is definitely THAT KIND OF DOG. The kind of dog who splits up longterm relationships with his constant loud ass middle of the night lickings that wakes up everybody! Shakira was sick of waking up to the sound of SLURP SLURP SLURP coming from the foot of her bed. Okay, we all want to wake up to the slurping sound coming from down below, but now when it’s a dog licking on his own ass at full volume! Get your own room, dog!

(Thanks to Ken for sending this in)

Ryan Reynolds Gives ScarJo A Special Holiday Gift

THE GIFT OF DIVORCE! It was just over a week ago that Ryan Reynolds and ScarJo got peens wagging and chochas chirping at the thought of them back on the market when they announced that they’re splitting up….and now he’s making it official. People says that Ryan filed for divorce this afternoon in Los Angeles. If you’re hoping that Ryan and ScarJo’s divorce will get so filthy dirty that they’ll eventually wrestle naked in a kiddie pool of oil in the middle of a court room, you better pull your pants back up. That’s not going to happen. ScarJo filed her divorce response at the same time, which means they are probably going to play nice. No greasy ScarJo and RyRey nipples for now.

Ryan and ScarJo didn’t get a prenup, but neither is seeking any kind of spousal support. They both list December 14th as the day they decided to take their genitals elsewhere for good.

There’s a million rumors going around as to why their marriage flopped on the sand before dying. Some say that ScarJo treated Ryan like an unwanted dingle, and others say that one of them cheated. But People says that they barely were around each other due to their careers and decided that calling it a day was better than trying to work that shit out.

Well, fuck us all! Two celebrities not chewing each other’s eye balls out during a divorce battle? Something in the eggnog ain’t clean (Ed. note: I don’t anything in eggnog is clean). Maybe Ryan wants to get that shit over with so he can go back to doing ab crunches. Or maybe it’s just a Christmas miracle! A sad Christmas miracle, but still a Christmas miracle.

(Image via Fame Pictures)