The Celebrity Break-Up Trilogy Is Complete!

Thank the FUCK it wasn’t Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon or half of Brooklyn would have to doggy paddle through the river of tears and barf pouring out of my skull! But sadly, the final break-up spot has been taken by ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds. Just like Dexter & Deb and Zac & Vanessa, ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds have decided they wish to pass their genitals to others and have pressed the pause button on their 2-year-old marriage.

A source tells TMZ ScarJo and Ryan are living in separate places. The source is probably my cousin who told me she wanted a waterproof Green Lantern poster for Christmas. Sick horny bitch! But I have the feeling she’s not the only one Googling “Green Lantern Dildo.”

2009 was the year of deaths and 2010 is now the year that love burped out its last bref before rolling over into a shallow grave. I guess that means 2011 will be the year of BIRTHS. This makes sense since the world is ending in 2012. I just knew we’d go out under a mountain of baby saliva, diapers and creamed placenta.

UPDATE: It’s true. ScarJo and Ryan released this official joint statement to UsWeekly: “After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we’ve decided to end our marriage. We entered our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.”

What is this “long and careful consideration” they speak of? If I was ScarJo, Ryan would simply have to drop his chonies and lift his shirt over his nipples to save our marriage. Divorce averted!

Charlie Sheen Finally Got Around To Filing For Divorce

Charlie Sheen, the star of a rape monster’s favorite show, is adding Brooke Mueller’s name to the list of ex-wives he has to write a child support and alimony check out to every single month. 10 months after Charlie said Merry Christmas to his wife Brooke by her choking her ass out, he has filed for divorce. A straight blast of SHOCK to the eyes, I know. I would say that Charlie can now freely fall into a mattress covered with pussy peddler puss without feeling guilty about it, but he did that shit while he had a wedding ring on so play on… play on…

TMZ says that Charlie and Brooke already worked out all the details of their divorce settlement all the way back in May shortly after they quit each other. According to the documents, Charlie will give Brooke around $757k for dealing with his fuckery for almost 2 years. Brooke has to move all of her shit out of Charlie’s house, but his checking account is filling her checking account with $1 million for her troubles. Grand total so far: $1,757,000 plus

Brooke will have primary custody of their 1-year-old twin boys and Charlie will get to see them every now and again. Charlie will write Brooke a child support check for $55,000 each month. Brooke wants to make sure that her chirruns are living as high as Denise Richards’ chirruns, so she added this little clause: “Under no circumstances shall the child support paid by Charlie for Bob and Max be less than the child support paid by Charlie to Denise Richards for Sam and Lola.”

Lying in the bathroom stall of a T.G.I. Friday’s somewhere, a single tear trickles down White Oprah’s tangerine cheek… White Oprah has always dreamed of the day she can add a clause like that into her divorce settlement. Seriously, White Oprah better snort that line of crushed Adderall off the toilet seat, pick herself up and get to Charlie Sheen’s side ASAP! It’s only a matter of time before Charlie looks into the face of the trick he just did a line of coke off of and realizes that he wants her to be his future ex-wife. It might as well be White Oprah! A match like that is written in the glazed eyes of every West Coast dealer!

At Least We’ll Always Have This Beautiful Picture Of Them

And in the blink of a damn eye, Xtina has bowled a coagulated blood ball down her driveway for Bat Boy to chase after, because she’s really done with his ass for real. Radar reports that the head don of the red lipstick mafia sealed her divorce papers with a MAC-coated kiss and filed them in California this morning. Just a couple of days ago Xtina confirmed that she’s no longer riding on her husband’s bat wings of love.

After Radar took a few bottles of lipstick remover to the documents and brushed away the thick layer of pressed powder, they read that there is a prenup and Xtina is refusing to write Bat Boy a monthly check for spousal support. Xtina wants the court to categorize all her shit (including her money, her joo-ree, the peroxide pool in the backyard, the private Max Factor warehouse in her basement, etc….) as personal property. As for their son Max? Xtina wants to share physical and legal custody of him with Bat Boy.

But wait, a source is telling the ESCANDALOSO News Desk (aka TMZ) that Xtina and Bat Boy’s 5-year-old marriage threw itself into a mine in Chile after she allegedly put her mark on another dude’s taint. They say that is the true reason as to why they broke up on 9/11/10 (“Please 4get” – Xtina’s marriage to us).

This is really tragic. Another marriage ending due to wandering wang, or sauntering snatch in this case. It’s tragic because wayward whores really have to learn how to clean up their tracks! Although in Xtina’s defense, cleaning up the bronzed skid marks she leaves on her side-pieces’ ass cheeks would take the help of Molly Maid’s entire team, a box of Easy Off and the blessed spirit of Billy Mays.

And you know what my mom said to me after I told her about this mess? She goes, “Christina’s still married to the one with THE FACE?” Now do you see where I get it from? It’s not my fault. It’s genetic.

But They Just Got It On Last Week!

According to TMZ’s sources, just last week Laura Dern and her husband of 5 years Ben Harper were rolling around together, bumping parts, licking on each other’s saliva and flicking tongues as though everything was alright (sort of). So because of this, the emotion called SHOCK played on Laura Dern’s face when Ben dropped divorce papers right into her lap on Friday afternoon. Laura quickly searched through the papers to make sure the reason for divorce was not listed as: THAT LIFE-RUINING SLUT ANGIE JO, AGAIN! No, Ben cited irreconcilable differences.

In the documents, Ben states that he doesn’t want to pay spousal support and is asking for joint custody of their kids Ellery (9) and Jaya (5). Ben lists January of this year as the date of separation, but TMZ’s trusty sources claim that the two have been carrying on like a regular couple all year. They were living and traveling together.

Correct me with a red Sharpie if I’m wrong, but didn’t Ben Harper drop his first wife Joanna for Laura Dern after she got dropped for Angie Jo (she didn’t have the saint title back then) by Billy Bob Thornton? We know who’s a firm believer in “Don’t Drop A Piece Until You’ve Got A New Piece.” The only way ordered can be restored is if Laura Dern fucks on Brad Pitt, Angie Jo fucks on Ben Harper and Billy Bob Thornton fucks on Ben’s first wife Joanna. Git on that.

(Image via Wireimage)

Chupa & Brad Broke Up

Before Rachel “Chupacabra” Zoe can sink her fangs into Brad Goreski and suck the everything out until all that’s left is a pile of skin (which she’ll paste onto her bones after her old skin moults off), he has decided to hit the evacuation slide and quit that bitch.

In a statement, which sounds like it was written while a Bette Midler song played in the background, to People, Brad says that he is no longer Chupa’s main slave and won’t be on the next season of Bravo’s The Rachel Zoe Project.

“I love Rachel and she’s taught me everything I know. But there’s a point where either I do it now or I’ll never know what it’s like to spread my wings and soar.”

Chupa says that Brad told her a month ago and she couldn’t stop hugging him. Uh huh. Trying to get in that last bite to the froat before the prey flies away.

“We couldn’t stop hugging and we couldn’t stop crying. He did this with such class and elegance. And I get it. I just told him, ‘I’m here for you always.’ We have a relationship that’s not normal. I jump into bed with him and wake him up and we have these pow wows and he’s like, ‘Wow, I haven’t brushed my teeth,’ I don’t want to hire somebody for the purpose of the show, we just got lucky. No one’s ever going to be Brad to me.”

Good, maybe now Brad won’t be as busy. Seriously, 90% of that show is Chupa and Brad going on and on about how busy they are. Chupa can’t even sit down at the dinner table to NOT think about eating, because she’s busy matching the perfect Dior Homme cock ring with the perfect Versace pants. Chupa forces her husband to cut his hair like pedophile Justin Bieber, so she won’t ever be tempted to bump bones with him. She doesn’t have time!

Anyways, Brad will be missed from the show. Mostly because, now 99% of the show will be Chupa farting about how busy her life is. You know if she didn’t talk about being busy as much as she talks about being busy, she probably wouldn’t be that busy.

What About Love?

Nancy Wilson of Heart and director Cameron Crowe are no longer acting out the lyrics to “All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You” every Friday night (you know they did), because they are legally quitting each other after 20 years of marriage! If Nancy and Cameron can’t wake up next to each other every morning and think to themselves “I want to look at your face the rest of day“, nobody can!

CBS News reports that on the divorce papers Nancy cited “Elizabethtown” as the reason for divorce. No, Nancy used the overused “irreconcilable differences.” Nancy stated on the documents that they separated in 2008. She wants joint custody of their twin 10-year-old sons.

Nancy is using the “irreconcilable differences” reason, but my guess is she filed for divorce after she found out that her husband of 20 years and Stephen Fry are the same person. We knew all along, Nancy, but your ass just didn’t want to listen.