Straight From Papa Joe’s School Of Choreographed PR Moves

All is well again! Pete Wentz has kept the kitty hairball off his head and Papa Joe has convinced us to put the stunt queen crown back on his head by sending these two out for a hand-holding photo opportunity at Starbucks yesterday. Even the baby Harpo Marx that is Bronx Mowgli is not falling for this pre-April foolery. No, that’s just my bitterness leaking all over the keyboard again (Hazmat is on their way). Of course these two are in love again! Nothing says “the divorce is off” like schlemiel schlemazel-ing in a Starbucks parking lot while one of you is dressed like Freddy Krueger after an Urban Outfitters makeunder.

Pete Wentz Cut The Fro Out

Sometime between getting Double Doubles with Ashlee Simpon at In-N-Out on Saturday and getting Chalupas with Ashlee Simpson at Taco Bell on Sunday, Pete Wentz prematurely sent the Chia Cat on his head to the pet cemetery and posted a picture of the massacre on his blog.

Just when I was starting to get into Pete looking like he should be painting landscapes on PBS, he has to rock the Flowbee fantastic. Oh well, I guess have to adjust my emotions and now get used to the fact that Pete’s new haircut makes me want to sit him on my freshly made bed with his thumb in his mouth. On a positive note, Pete graciously donated his locks to an organization that helps the pubically challenged.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to hang my laptop over the laundry line so the slobber bombs that dropped on my keyboard from typing “In-N-Out“can dry off.

Ashlee Simpson Might Be On Some New Shit

Over at E! News they have a picture of Ashlee Simpson engaging in some light public displays of affection with a dude who goes by the name of Craig Owens. Craig is in a band called D.R.U.G.S and just so happens to be one of Pete Wenz’s best friends. Yes, Pete just didn’t double over because his neck couldn’t take the weight of his new fro. Just when Pete was getting over getting stabbed in the ass by Ashlee’s chin, he just got stabbed again by Craig’s shank! Now Pete has a real reason to be extra angsty during shows.

A source tells UsWeekly that Pete is the one who helped Craig put together the band D.R.U.G.S and can’t believe this is how he’s being repaid! The source kept laying it on thick, “Pete did a lot for this guy. Craig was in another band and got kicked out. Pete found Craig, built a band around him and signed him. He’s shocked at how this guy is repaying him.”

But a different source says that Pete doesn’t need to take a can of spray paint to Craig’s skateboard and write “SK8WHORE” on it, because Ashlee is just spending time with him. This source says that Craig is comforting Ashlee and helping her through this difficult time. Yeah, we all know how that goes.

One minute you’re crying on their shoulders, the next minute you’re using your tears as lube to ride that shit and fuck the hurt away. Comforting, my ass. I mean, comforting Asheel’s ass. But isn’t it funny that just as Pete let his fro bloom, Ashlee dropped him and picked up a dude who has a mop that is almost identical to hers? Narcissist and FRO HATER!

And The Fighting Begins

Did you really for a second think that Papa Joe was going to let this divorce drama wrap up without stroking every droplet of attention out of it? So I bet Papa Joe totally whispered in Ashlee Simpson’s ear, “I’m not wearing any chonies.” No, Papa Joe advised Ashlee to file for primary custody of Manhattan Chuchundra. That way the court dwellers at TMZ would get a hold of the documents and BAM! There’s Ashlee’s name right under a red banner that says EXCLUSIVE. When Ashlee lit up over this idea, Papa Joe took the opportunity to ask if he could roll around naked in her dirty laundry later. Ashlee turned him down. Better luck next time, Joe.

TMZ reports that Pete Wentz and Ashlee are about to go to court to fight for custody of their son. Ashlee wants primary, and Pete wants joint. Pete filed papers today asking the judge for joint physical and legal custody. Ashlee has yet to respond to Pete’s response.

No reason was given as to why they are fighting over this shit, but maybe it has something to do with the rumor going around that Pete doesn’t like that Ashlee is letting skater boys do Everclear shots off her chin all night.

Pete’s case for joint custody was strong until these pictures of him with Bronx Mowgli came out yesterday. This is Ashlee’s entire defense right here. Because carrying your son around while looking like a flood-fearing Chia Pet hipster counts as child humiliation.

It Was All Ashlee’s Fault!

I knew it. Ever since Ashlee Simpson broke the house that Hot Topic built by filing for divorce from the Emo Chia Pet, Pete Wentz, he’s been crying out a waterfall of sad tears that has sucked every bit of moisture from his hair and left the top of his head looking like a Kardashian’s unshaven armpit. Ashlee’s side put the blame on Pete by saying she wanted to live a simple life with their son Queens Shere Khan, but he continued to travel the world with his band. Now Pete’s side is putting their gayliner on extra thick and heading into battle against Ashlee. They claim that as their marriage started to crumble like her vocal cords whenever she tries to sing, she stayed out until dawn.

A source tells UsWeekly that Ashlee regularly used her chin to muddle mojitos and other boozy beverage for hot skaters in San Clemente. While Pete was away, the chin did play! The source puts it like this, “Ashlee has been out late partying for the past few months. Pete would constantly check in on Ashlee, and he’d have his friends call the house and her cell to make sure she said she was where she said she was going to be. He felt like he couldn’t trust her.”

And there’s more! A different source tells Popeater that Papa Joe has once again stuck his fupa (I mean that both figuratively and literally) between his daughter and her husband. Papa Joe loves it that Ashlee is single again and he has her right where he wants her, “Joe is doing nothing to encourage Ashlee to give the marriage another try, if only for the sake of her son. Joe likes being the only man in his daughters’ lives and is happy that Ashlee has moved back into his home [in Encino, Calif.], just like Jessica did after she announced she was leaving Nick. Joe got rid of Nick, and now he is saying goodbye to Pete.”

Ashlee Simpson is as dumb as Jessica Simpson’s toilet for moving back in with Papa Joe. If Ashlee boozed a lot while she was living with Pete, then she’s going to stay DRUNK while living with Papa Joe. Bitch is going to have to down a full-bottle shot of boric acid every time Papa Joe shimmies into her room, drops his chonies and declares, “Look! Thanks to a bottle of black RIT, I’ve got a Pete Wentz ‘do down there too!” And really, Papa Joe is going to do that every hour on the hour.

Woe Is Pete Wentz

Ever since Ashlee Simpson filed for divorce from Pete Wentz, he’s been as sad as the entire flat iron community when he turned his back on them and went totally organic. Pete has been ripping the ass of his skinny jeans apart by getting on his knees and begging Ass to not let their marriage drown in the pool created by his Emo tears. Pete wants his Asshole Simpson back….but she has already moved on. Cold Asshole is cold. So is mine actually, but for a totally different reason.

A source tells Radar that Ashlee and Pete were living completely different lives. Ashlee stayed home with their son Staten Island Baloo while Pete was out softening colons all over the world with his music. The source went on to say, “Pete has been crying a lot to her about this. He is crushed, and does not want it to be over. Ashlee is done, she loves him, but she’s ready to move on. When he traveled for work, she had a lot of time to think, and in the end she just felt happier without him. They married really young and have grown apart, she just wants to focus on her child and her career.”

ASHLEE SIMPSON IS A HORRIFIC MONSTER! How can she just sit there and watch the emo clown cry drops of Maybelline tar and not feel a thing?! Ashlee’s heart is as icy cold as Jessica Simpson’s metabolism. Ashlee is going to regret this. She will miss putting a lighter up to Pete’s eyeliner pencil every morning. And she will definitely miss grabbing a tub of Crisco and a chainsaw to get Pete out of his skinny jeans every night. Who’s going to entertain Ashlee by tucking his peen between his legs and dancing around like a swan before tickling her on the bed (you know that was their idea of a hot Saturday night)?! And put down your hand, Papa Joe! That question was not directed towards your side of the room!