Two Boring Pretty People Broke Up

Because coordinating outfits with your piece gets exhausting after a while, Keira Knightley and her boyfriend of 5 years Rupert Friend have stuffed the pieces of their relationship into a GLAD bag and thrown it on the back of a truck heading for the nearest dumpster. There were rumors that Keira and Rupert stopped creating impromptu Vogue editorials together months ago, but her father confirmed their split to The Sun today.

Daddy Knightley didn’t say why 25-year-old Keira and 29-year-old Rupert are no longer bumping pelvic bones, but a friend says that all the paparazzi attention is to blame. The friend explained, “Rupert hates the idea of being followed and photographed. Keira partially had to accept it because of her rising profile. It affected the harmony in the relationship. The pressure took its toll and both decided they should go their separate ways. They will remain life-long friends.”

PAP ATTENTION?! They were good at hiding their hate for the paps then, because almost every candid I’ve seen of them looks like a European Chico’s ad. They gave FACE! POUT! FACE! SULLEN! FACE! for days. My guess is that the real reason they broke up is because they were sick of setting the smoke detectors off when they rubbed their cheekbones together while making out.

And I know Keira’s name is spelled differently, but it always makes me think of David from The Real World: Seattle and his secret girlfriend Kira. Remember his amazing freak out in a damn pickup truck?

“Kiiiiiiira, Kiiiiiiiiiiiira, you’re breaking my haaaaaaht!” Please tell me Rupert and Keira had the same kind of break-up fight in a pick-up truck on the streets of London? But I’m sure they looked devastatingly FIERCE while doing so.