Kanye West Promises He Won’t Speak About Other People’s Kids Again

Some people are just naturally remorseful. They carry this sense of personal accountability, constantly apologizing for some behavior or comment. It’s safe to say Kanye West—or Yeezus if you’re sacrilegious—isn’t one of those people. And nothing screams, “I need a prayer circle as soon as possible” like bringing a toddler into an already bizarre feud that may or may not be fueled by your unwavering lust for your ex and her fingers.

A few days ago Yeezus claimed in a Twitter fight that he “owns” Amber Rose’s 2-year-old son with Wiz Khalifa and that neither “wouldn’t have a child if it wasn’t for me.” Yeah, it was pretty awful but not awful enough to garner an apology out of Yeezus. Beyonce’s most dedicated super fan went on Twitter and pretty much told Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose, “I’m sorry” without ever mentioning the words “I’m sorry.”

God’s dream… Never speak on kids again… all love … all blessings…

— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) January 30, 2016

Call it the tweet representation of the Kanye shrug.

You know who else is unapologetic? The scallywag that is Amber Rose who started her Friday night by celebrating her total annihilation of Yeezus by wearing a curve-hugging black-and-white mini dress to Lure nightclub. Yeah, her shoe game was on point, but I’m more concerned about Amber trying to make sunglasses in the club happen in 2016.

She does know she’s not T-Pain, right?

Pics: Splash, Tumblr

Justin Bieber Is Sorry For Flashing His Bare Ass On Instagram

Last week, Justin Bieber nearly put the Coppertone Baby out of a job when a picture of his bare bum bum made an appearance on Instagram. Well, it looks like Justin Bieber has decided that four days of terrorizing humanity’s gag reflex with a picture of his naked butt was long enough, because on Saturday he deleted it and replaced it with the picture above and the following explanation:

“Hey I Deleted the photo of my butt on Instagram not because I thought it was bad but someone close to me’s daughter follows me and she was embarrassed that she saw my butt and I totally wasn’t thinking in that aspect. And I felt awful that she felt bad. To anyone I may have offended I’m so sorry. It was completely pure hearted as a joke but didn’t take in account there are littles following me!!! Love u guys”

Translation: “I got in major shit from my image rebranding team and now I’m in a two-week time out.”

I hope Justin Bieber has learned a lesson from all of this. The lesson, of course, being that he should totally hire that little girl who called him out on being an embarrassment as his life adviser. He truly needs someone to inform him of how embarrassing he is being at any given moment, and what better person than someone close to his own mental age?

Pic: Instagram

Kanye West Admits He Was Wrong To Call Out Beck At The Grammys

Mark this day in your calendars. Self-appointed legendary genius and authority of everything Kanye West admitted he was WRONG about something. Sounds like Jesus finally took the wheel, pulled the car over, and told Yeezus he’s had damn near enough of his bullshit before threatening to leave his ass at the next rest stop.

During an interview with the Sunday Times (via NME), Kanye konfessed that maybe he might have been wrong about that time he verbally dry fucked Beck for not “respecting artistry” after he won the Grammy award for Album of the Year over Beyonce. At the time, Kanye blamed his little backstage temper tantrum on the voices inside his head. And now he’s throwing those voices under the bus, because he’s admitting the words they made him say might have been not so true:

“I’m fine to apologize for inaccuracies. You know, I send flowers for inaccuracies. I talked to Beck’s wife, and I think I had a point about Beyonce’s album, but I think I was inaccurate with the concept of a gentleman who plays 14 instruments not respecting artistry.”

I can just picture Beck’s wife (Cynthia from Dazed and Confused) realizing she’s been listening to Kanye West talking at her for 148 minutes and thinking “I never should have answered the phone.” But don’t get too used to this new self-aware humble Kanye; right after he apologized, he yanked it all away by saying this:

“Isn’t it amazing that people are so constantly shocked by the commonly agreed-in truth? How much bullshit are we in if, every single time I give not just my opinion, but a vast 80%, 90% opinion, I get into that much trouble? When the truth is a mass opinion. That’s not about accuracy, it’s the definition of truth.

He also mumbled some nonsense about a chair, saying: “I could compare myself to this chair, I’m saying, ‘I’ve got all this on my back, so I’m a chair.’ People get really uptight about my comparisons, but I’m an extreme speaker, and I speak through comparisons.” And just like that, Kanye yanks the wheel back from Jesus and starts weaving around the streets of Crazytown once again.

While we’re on the topic of comparisons, here’s Kanye’s bronzer-covered yoga ball Kim Kardashian reminding her little sister Kylie that she’s still the queen of the tits-out game while walking through the airport yesterday.

Pics: Splash/INF, Wenn.com

The Internet is Swatting At Michael Buble For Instagramming A Picture Of A Stranger’s Ass

Justin Bieber’s less-assholey adult contemporary equivalent Michael Bublé (I don’t know if that makes any sense, but they’re both Canadian and give off a strong douche vibe, so it works for me) recently found himself in trouble with the angry fist-shakers of the internet after he posted a picture of some random chick’s ass disguised as a smug-faced selfie to Instagram. Personally, I’m more offended by the fact that he thinks it’s ok to serve up some lazy Uncle Rico realness with that fist-assisted bicep bro pose, but that’s just me.

According to the caption on the picture, it was taken by Bublé’s wife Luisana Lopilato on Monday at someplace in Miami that looks like either the check-in desk of a hotel or a very fancy Taco Bell affiliate I just made up called Taco Chime.

“There was something about this photo lu took, that seemed worthy of instagram. #myhumps #babygotback #hungryshorts #onlyinmiami #picoftheday #beautifulbum“

The only problem is, some of his 1 million Instagram followers didn’t think it was cute that he was splashing a sneaky picture of that lady’s lower buttcheeks creeping out of her short-shorts all around the internet, and they started hissing at him for it and calling him a creep. Once Bublé realized he couldn’t croon his way out of that mess, he released a sorry-not-sorry statement to UsWeekly:

“I do not court controversy, but I realize that a photo that was meant to be complimentary and lighthearted has turned into a questionable issue. It hurts me deeply that anyone would think that I would disrespect women or be insulting to any human being. I regret that there are people out there who found the photo offensive. That was not and is not my intention. Women are to be celebrated, loved, respected, honored and revered. I’ve spent my life believing that and will continue to do so.”

Michael Bublé is full of Bullshité if he thinks he can play this off as anything other than a “haw haw, look at this butt” pic. If he truly was in awe of Turquoise Shirt’s magnificent ass, then he would have asked permission before he took a picture. Owners of top-shelf asses don’t just give that shit away for free.

Pic: Instagram

And In “What Dumb Thing Did Lindsay Lohan Do Now” News…

On Tuesday night, the cold sore England caught from America Lindsay Lohan went to a Kanye West concert in Paris. That’s actually not the dumb thing Lindsay Lohan did, although it is pretty dumb, since going to a Kanye West ‘concert’ usually means paying too much money to stand around in a crowd of dum dums listening to Kanye scream his delusional bus rantings through a microphone. The dumb thing is actually what she did after the show. The Apricot Ashtray posted a picture of Kanye’s concert to Instagram with the caption:

“#kanye&kimAlldaynigga$ fun show #PFW#goodpeople=goodlife all from good moms!!!!!! @dinalohan @krisjenner”

Shortly after she posted it, several Instagram users shot that freckled mess a ‘ho, NO’ side-eye and slapped at her for using the n-word, so she quickly deleted “nigga$” and re-captioned it: “#kanye&kimAllday fun show #PFW #goodpeople=goodlife all from good moms!!!!!! @dinalohan @krisjenner“. That sneaky trick tried to pretend it never happened. But because it happened on the internet, the original caption was screen grabbed and bitch was busted.

Today, a rep for Lindsay (hi Dina! Don’t stand up too fast or you’ll get the spins) released a statement to The Daily Mail saying that “She is a friend of his, it is his new song, her intention was not to offend anyone and she apologizes.”

Now if only she’d issue a statement regarding the rest of the words in that caption. Good people? All from good moms?? Excuse you, but you owe reality an apology.

Pic: Instagram

Madonna Is Sorry For Using Pictures Of Martin Luther King Jr. And Nelson Mandela To Promote Her New Album

To get people excited for her upcoming album (which has been leaked almost entirely onto the internet by some impatient fools who can’t wait ’till March to fill their ear holes with the sound of autotuned sex grunts), Madonna spent a good chunk of her day yesterday promoting Rebel Heart by Instagramming Photoshopped pictures of famous types wrapped in black licorice to mimic the album art, including Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, Princess Diana, and Bob Marley.

Naturally, it pissed people off. And since Madonna would rather sell Rebel Heart for money than see it being given away as a Macy’s gift with purchase when you buy a 50ml bottle of Truth of Dare, she whipped up an apology and posted it to Facebook to let you know that she is so sowwy for offending you, and that it’s totally not Madonna’s fault:

“It’s not my fault! It’s my fans! They made the pictures, I just posted them!” has to be a new one. Has anyone ever used that before? Oh Madonna – you’re getting a little old to be throwing anything, let alone people under the bus. You’ve got to watch your back, Madonna!

Obviously using pictures of Martin Luther King Jr. and Nelson Mandela to hock your collection of digitized granny yodels is next-level dumb, but if you’re going to do it, at least make sure you throw on the spell check when it comes time to issue a public apology. Martin Luther King Jr. is probably up in Heaven right now reading Madonna’s lazy apology and thinking “I have a dream that one day you’ll open a damn book and learn the correct use of there/their/they’re.” Madonna is richer than Scrooge McDuck’s right nut – that bitch could easily afford an in-house proof reader (unlike Michael K and I, who only have enough money in our budget for expired cans of Cactus Cooler and a bi-weekly delivery of signed 8×10 glossies of Phoebe Price).

Pic: Instagram