Nicki Minaj Is Sorry For That Nazi-ish Music Video

When living Crank Yankers puppet Nicki Minaj released the video for her song “Only” last Friday, a video that looks sort of like Springtime for Hitler crossed with Homestar Runner, she probably didn’t anticipate that it would cause any where near as many pearls to be clutched than her George of the Jungle late-night phone sex ad video for “Anaconda” did. After all, “Only” doesn’t feature a single butt! Okay fine, there was one ass (Chris Brown).

Except I guess Nicki forgot to realize that “Only” looked like something made in Adobe Flash by Derek Vinyard in his mom’s basement, and people were not having it. Even the dumbest kid in your high school history class was like “But where’s the dude with the Charlie Chaplin mustache who yells a lot?” So obviously, she took to Twitter to say sowwy, and also to pull out the ol’ classic ‘But I can’t be ___! One of my best friends is Jewish!’ (Cut to Drake giving Nicki the side-eye):

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Joan Rivers Refuses To Apologize For Calling Michelle Obama A “Tranny”

I will say this: The Joker’s grandma is looking good for 108.

While the rest of us spent our 3-day weekend in a self-induced Miller High Life hot dog coma, Joan Rivers was at the “Grandma, don’t say that” Reference Library finding new ways to be an offensive hag. When a reporter asked her on Friday if she thought America was ready for a gay or female president, she responded with a “joke” suggesting that President Obama was gay and that Michelle Obama was a “tranny”. It was basically just like hearing your Uncle Randy tell a joke at Thanksgiving that starts with a Rabbi and ends with everyone nervously shifting in their seat; nobody was into it. I guess someone (Joan’s publisher) told her she better open up her plastic mouth slit and release an apology, but instead she shat out a classic “sorry not sorry” statement to CNN:

“I think it’s a compliment. She’s so attractive, tall, with a beautiful body, great face, does great makeup. Take a look and go back to La Cage Au Follies (sic). The most gorgeous women are transgender. Stop it already … and if you want to talk about ‘politically correct,’ I think this is a ‘politically incorrect’ attack on me because I’m old, Jewish, a woman and a ‘hetty’ — a heteosexual … and I plan to sue the reporter who, when he turned off his camera, tried to touch me inappropriately on the ass – luckily he hit my ankle. Read the book … if you think that’s silly, wait to (sic) you see what I say about FDR and Eleanor!”

She kept the No Apologies Tour going by telling The Wrap that she also isn’t sorry for stunting like a senior citizen stunt queen by walking out of a CNN interview on Saturday:

“The CNN interviewer was a news reporter and not an entertainment reporter…She did not seem to understand we were talking about a comedy book and not the transcripts from the Nuremburg Trial. Every question was an accusatory one designed to put me on the defensive.”

I know Joan has a book to hustle (Diarrhea of a Mad Diva or something) but I don’t think this any of this is a PR stunt; I think this is Joan’s way of trying to nab a spot at an assisted living facility for seniors with dementia. She’s obviously losing it, but she’s just too proud to tell us it’s time she move into a home with a keypad on every door and an episode of Matlock on every television, so she’s acting like a damn mess until someone says ENOUGH and sticks her senile ass in Shady Acres.

And the #1 sign that Joan has officially lost her damn mind is when she called herself a “hetty”. Bitch, there is one and only one “hetty”, and it’s Hetty King!

Heidi Klum Is “Sowwy” For The Native American-Themed Photo Shoot On Germany’s Next Top Model

Because the space on my DVR is reserved exclusively for high-quality Peabody Award-winning programs like Shahs of Sunset and Canada’s Worst Driver, I haven’t seen Germany’s Next Top Model, but I did learn this week that Heidi Klum thought it was a good idea to take the 12 girls vying for the opportunity to appear in whatever the German equivalent of JCPenney is and dress them up like Native Americans for a photo shoot. I guess Heidi never saw those We’re a Culture, Not a Costume ads from a couple years back, because if she had, she’d know that real Native Americans don’t exactly get the warm fuzzies from seeing a bunch of skinny chicks playing dress-up in feathers and war paint.

After Heidi proudly revealed the GNTM photo shoot on Facebook, plenty of people let her know in the comments that they felt it was pretty offensive (one look at the picture of the model with a single tear rolling down her face like she’s Iron Eyes Cody is probably enough to convince you they’re not wrong). So on Thursday, a spokesperson speaking on behalf of Heidi Klum burped out this ‘sowwy you got offended’ statement to The Independent UK:

“We have nothing but the utmost esteem for the Native American culture and are so sorry if our shoot was offensive to anyone. By no means was our intention to insult Native Americans or in any way demean their heritage. We sincerely apologize.”

Whenever a group of people say that they’re not really cool with a certain stereotype or the use of their culture for the purpose of, let’s say, a photo shoot, it means it might be time to fold it up and pack it away in the linen closet to be used never again. So maybe feather headdresses and warpaint and peace pipes should be kind of hands-off for non-Native Americans? “But I already packed my bags!” – Every girl getting ready for Coachella.

Pics: Facebook

Alec Baldwin Apologizes For Homophobic Slur After His MSNBC Show Is Suspended

Alec Baldwin has made a hobby out of turning into a raging anger bear any time he’s within a foot of another human being. He’s the rich man version of the homeless guy I used to pass at the train station years ago who would scream at people walking past if he didn’t like the outfit they were wearing. There’s nothing like starting your day off hearing, “Ain’t nobody wearing pantyhose anymore, skinny bitch!” on your way to an agonizingly boring minimum wage job, realizing that everybody on the damn planet has better fashion sense than you do.

TMZ says that Alec has been suspended from his MSNBC show for two nights after admitting he called a pap a “cocksucking fag”, not “fathead” as he originally claimed. Alec issued a statement that reeks of eye rolls, jack off motions, and PR spin.

Baldwin released a statement saying … “I did not intend to hurt or offend anyone with my choice of words, but clearly I have – and for that I am deeply sorry.” 

Alec seems to be rationalizing his rage though, saying … “What I said and did this week, as I was trying to protect my family, was offensive and unacceptable.”

In his apology Baldwin concedes, “Words are important. I understand that, and will choose mine with great care going forward.  Behavior like this undermines hard-fought rights that I vigorously support.”

Alec pisses me off so much, I just keep focusing on those adorable puppies he has so I don’t completely lose it. Here’s a translation of his statement: “I’m only apologizing because someone told me to, I don’t really give a rat’s ass what you think and stay tuned next week when I trip over a curb in the dark and call it the n-word”. Alec has already tried to redefine what “queen” means, it’s only a matter of time before he reads a page from the Alec Baldwin Dictionary and tries to tell us racial slurs are the same thing as using the fuck word when we trip on the sidewalk.

Here is Alec in New York getting some help blocking the press. Since words are so important to him now, I hope he at least thanked them with a pat on the back and a “thoughtful little pig”. Kids today, though. Whatever happened to helping frail old ladies across the street? You don’t get good deed credit for helping someone who looks like they would throw a haymaker at the mirror if they thought their reflection was about to talk shit. Those kids are probably in it for the inevitable Vine they will milk for all it’s worth even though it will be 5.5 seconds of the ground and 0.5 seconds of Alec’s ear.

Assholes have all the luck, though. I can only hope my savior comes to me someday in the form of a kid in a hat with ear flaps who looks like he just spent the last six months bumming around European hostels.

(Photos via Splash)