Snooki And Her Piece Conceived Their Daughter While Driving In The Car

I did not need to know the mating rituals of Ewoks, but Snooki told us anyway. Snooki was on Wendy Williams (via Page Six) promoting something or another and during the “Hot Seat” section of the show, Wendy asked her where is the craziest place she’s ever wet humped. Snooki said a car. A CAR. This is Snooki. I’m sure she fucked the duck phone while on a ferris wheel at the Jersey Shore, but Snooki went with “car.” Snooki says that she and her husband Jionni LaValle were driving back from a date when they couldn’t ignore the throbbing in their mammaloid biped loins and had to get it on while he was driving on the highway. This is the beautiful tale of how their 12-month-old daughter came to be:

“Me and Jionni went out on a date in Hoboken [New Jersey] and we were driving back and we started hooking up while he was driving. I just climbed on top of him while he’s driving on the highway.

My period didn’t come and I got pregnant.”

They’re both slightly bigger than Fisher-Price Little People®, so I guess getting their road fuck-on wouldn’t be that hard. But I’m going to give Jionni all the credit here. Jionni managed not to crash while sitting on a booster seat and working those extension pedals as Snooki squirted pickle crotch juices all over his dick and let out a high-pitched sex screech into his ears. That takes real talent.

And since we’re on the subject of riding your man’s stick shift while on the highway, let’s relive this classic:

Two Reality Show Husbands Got Caught In The Ashley Madison Hack (UPDATE)

The Ashley Madison hack has already exposed Porky Pig’s child-touching cheating second cousin, an insane Christian vlogger, the executive director of the Louisiana GOP and the lead prosector in the Casey Anthony case. The hack also went from “shit got serious” to “shit got sad” when it was reported that two men in Toronto may have killed themselves because of it. Well, now the Ashley Madison hack is coming for reality tricks. Dean McDermott and Eddie Cibrian can both breathe out two giant sighs of relief, because their names haven’t come up (yet). But the names of Snooki’s husband and a husband on The Real Housewives of NYC did come up.

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Snooki Got Married And Her Wedding Was The Understated Elegant Affair You’d Expect It To Be

That lady in the front making a “Fuck this shit, where’s the open bar?” face is all of us.

At the St. Rose of Lima Catholic church in East Hanover, NJ yesterday, history was made when an Ewok married a juicehead gorilla. It was a major event for interspecies marriage activists. 27-year-old Snooki married her 27-year-old two-time baby father Jionni LaValle in a Catholic church while wearing white. So that rumble you heard yesterday wasn’t only from your stomach continuing to die a slow death after being filled with Stove Top and gallons of the sweet nectar. That rumble was also the sound of a thousand Catholic abuelitas collapsing to the floor from the ESCANDALOSONESS of it all.

UsWeekly says that the Chilean Ewok’s bridesmaids party included elegant Thundercat JWoww and Danny DeVito impersonator Deena Cortese. Pauly D was also there, but who knows about the other Jersey Shore messes. UsWeekly also says that Snooki wore two gowns, one of which looked like something straight out of Say Fuck No To The Dress. It’s a bridal nightmare that made her look like an Ewok mermaid drowning in a swamp of merengue.

Snooki and Jionni’s reception went down at the Venetian in Garfield, NJ and it was a Great Gatsby theme. I wonder how many times Snooki screamed, “No, you fricken moron, Great Gatsby is that Leonardo DiCaprio movie! It’s not a book!” after someone said to her, “Oh, I didn’t know you were a fan of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s book.” I know, nobody said that to her. We all know she can’t read.

But seriously, who knew that Snooki would turn out to be the normal, stable and semi-sane one from Jersey Shore. It seemed like it was just yesterday when she was pissing on the floor of a bar. Now she’s all grown up and marrying her future ex-husband in front of MTV’s cameras (Snooki can’t take a shit without them, so I’m guessing they were there). Fame whores usually never grow up, so it’s shocking when one does.

And since you can never have too much grace and sophistication in one post, here’s what Snooki’s bridal heels looked like:

There’s really something poetic about Snooki getting married in shoes that look like bedazzled mold.

Pics: Splash, SnookiNicole.com, Instagram

Snooki Is Somebody’s Mother Again

For the second time in our lifetimes, a weird thing that we never thought would happen happened: a baby came fist pumping out of Snooki’s mammaloid cooka. The hybrid of a miniature dragon and an Ewok birthed out her and Jionni LaValle’s second adorable guidoling this morning. Ten seconds after a baby was pulled out of Snooki’s body, she jumped on Twitter to announced her kid’s name. Snooki gave her daughter a name that honors her Italian upbringing and that’s nice and everything but I really wish she would’ve honored her reality shit show roots by naming her kid after the duck phone. When will one of those Jersey Shore whores do right by naming one of their spawn after the duck phone?

So happy to let you know we had our beautiful daughter this morning Giovanna Marie LaValle. 6.7 lbs, full head of black hair & perfect

— Nicole Polizzi (@snooki) September 26, 2014

Snooki and Jionni’s first kid, Lorenzo Dominic, is already 2 years old.

It really feels like it was only a second ago when Snooki was pissing on the club floor and trying to stuff Vinny’s watermelon peen into her pinhole poon. And now she’s traded barfing in the jacuzzi for getting barfed on by babies, and is coordinating ovulation cycles with JWoww so they can give birth to babies around the same time and guarantee themselves a season renewal. Our reality show fame whores grow up so fast.

And the year is 2014 and I’ve written about The Situation and Snooki in the same week. Coming up next: a “Where Are They Now?” post about Jamie Jungers!

Pic: JenniFarley.com

“Hey Snooki, Can We Try It One More Time Where You Don’t Act Super Bummed Out?”

Everyone’s favourite fun-size Chick-O-Stick in a Party City Ariel wig confirmed last month that she had a tiny cluster of spray tan molecules growing inside her Ewok pouch, and now Snooki is back again to reveal the gender of said growing bubble of coagulated spray tanner. Along with her son Lorenzo (who deserves a round of applause for that “Bitch, you took me away from mashing soggy animal crackers into the carpet for this?” look he was throwing her at the 0:10 mark) Snooki opened a bin that her fiancé Jionni LaValle had filled with either pink or blue balloons to find out whether she was knocked up with a Situation or a JWoww.

Snooki has been pretty open about how she wanted to push out another little boy, but because destiny is a difficult bitch, she made sure that bin was crammed full of pink balloons. And Snooki was clearly not prepared for disappointment; the dead look in her eyes and the pathetic “Yaaaaaayyyyy” she forces out is pretty cringe-worthy. The only thing that could have made it more awkward is if she started frantically cramming all the balloons back into the bin, yelling “Do over! Do over! This one didn’t count! Lorenzo, go get mommy another bin!”

Meanwhile, the tiny Mini-Snooki inside her cackles away as she absorbs more self-tanner through her umbilical cord and uses a piece of roughed-up intestine to tease her 3 hairs into a pouf.

Jersey Shore: 2034 Gets Another Future Cast Member

After much speculation (ie. me inspecting a picture of her stomach with a magnifying glass for 0.4 seconds before announcing “Meh, who cares”) the party rat formerly known as Snooki has confirmed to Us Weekly that she and her fiancé Jionni LaValle rubbed their spaghetti and meatballs together hard enough to knock her up. So blast an air horn and slam a Jägerbomb in honor of Baby Smush-Smush #2 (what do you mean it’s too early? Stop being a pussy, bro – chug that shit!)

The little orange Tic Tac in a busted Ariel wig told Us Weeky that her and Jionni have been trying for their second Ewok pup since November and she’s due in the fall, right around the time of Snooki’s wedding on Endor. They don’t plan on moving the wedding up or postponing it till after the baby is born, so stay tuned for 7 months from now when I bring you the headline: Snooki Says “Fuck It” And Gives Birth In The Middle Of Her Wedding.

So Snooki has one baby already and one on the way, JWoww is having a baby, Pauly D is a dad. What the fuck is going on?? I always thought the Jersey Shore roaches would be fist pumping and slamming body shots well into their 40s, and instead they’re building tree houses and cracking tins of Beefaroni for lunch. What’s next, The Situation knocking up his Ab Rocket? No, that’s impossible; steroids have surely killed any life down there. The Duck Phone has a better chance at announcing his bid for governor of New Jersey than The Situation does of getting something pregnant (thank god).