There’s Another Jersey Shore Baby Among Us

July 13, 2014 / Posted by:

So I guess God really did ignore us when during the first season of Jersey Shore, we asked him or her to please turn the Kamikaze shots they were downing into sterile juice and to not let any of them spawn. Because JWoww birthed out another cast member of TTV’s reboot of Jersey Shore in 2034. (Side note: In the future MTV will finally keep it real and change their name to Trash Television). E! News says that in a hospital in the Tri-state area somewhere, a living, breathing human baby is looking up at JWoww’s melting Thundercats Shrinky Dink face and realizing that yes, that rubber Lucky Cat creature is her mother. JWoww IS somebody’s mother.

JWoww gave birth to her first kid, a daughter, with her guido fiancé of two years Roger Matthews at 12:49 ET. Because JWoww is a fame whore at heart, she didn’t waste any time and four seconds after her daughter was pulled out of her body, she released a statement. JWoww’s statement probably came out before her Botox-infused placenta did.

“Jenni and Roger are so excited to welcome the newest guidette Meilani Alexandra Mathews to the world weighing 7lbs and 13 ounces. Meilani and her parents are doing great and are happy and healthy. Meilani is already looking to trade her baby bottle for barbells.”

I was hoping that JWoww would pay tribute to the Jersey Shore by naming her kid Karma-ella Duck Phone Matthews. Oh well.

I’ve said it before, but it’s still a miracle and mystery to me that Snooki, who’s growing a second baby in her Ewok uterus right now, has been in charge of another human for this long and hasn’t traded him in for a gallon jug of gin in a Costco parking lot. So maybe the silicone rose of the Jersey Shore and Roger won’t be the worst parents and if they are the worst parents, at least they’ll teach their kid one very important thing: always maintain a pristine and exquisite eyebrow situation. That’s really the only thing that matters.

And congratulations to JWoww, because now she can finally get the melting Tupperware bowls in her chest re-shapened and she can suck all the baby weight out of her legs since only the thighs of gross fatties touch. 

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