Jersey Shore: 2034 Gets Another Future Cast Member

April 4, 2014 / Posted by:

After much speculation (ie. me inspecting a picture of her stomach with a magnifying glass for 0.4 seconds before announcing “Meh, who cares”) the party rat formerly known as Snooki has confirmed to Us Weekly that she and her fiancé Jionni LaValle rubbed their spaghetti and meatballs together hard enough to knock her up. So blast an air horn and slam a Jägerbomb in honor of Baby Smush-Smush #2 (what do you mean it’s too early? Stop being a pussy, bro – chug that shit!)

The little orange Tic Tac in a busted Ariel wig told Us Weeky that her and Jionni have been trying for their second Ewok pup since November and she’s due in the fall, right around the time of Snooki’s wedding on Endor. They don’t plan on moving the wedding up or postponing it till after the baby is born, so stay tuned for 7 months from now when I bring you the headline: Snooki Says “Fuck It” And Gives Birth In The Middle Of Her Wedding.

So Snooki has one baby already and one on the way, JWoww is having a baby, Pauly D is a dad. What the fuck is going on?? I always thought the Jersey Shore roaches would be fist pumping and slamming body shots well into their 40s, and instead they’re building tree houses and cracking tins of Beefaroni for lunch. What’s next, The Situation knocking up his Ab Rocket? No, that’s impossible; steroids have surely killed any life down there. The Duck Phone has a better chance at announcing his bid for governor of New Jersey than The Situation does of getting something pregnant (thank god).

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