Shakira Keeps Talking About Her Relationship, And It’s Still Extremely Lifetime-y

Ever since Shakira set off a million alarms and raised a billion red flags when she said in an interview that her boyfriend, Gerard Piqué, “no longer lets her” film music videos with other dudes, I’ve been not-so-secretly hoping that Iyanla would step in, sit her down, and fix her life. But Iyanla is currently on retainer in case Oprah needs help fixing the most unfixable life, which is no good, because Shakira keeps telling us more about that Mary J. Blige song she calls a relationship and she’s not watching the numerous copies of Sleeping with the Enemy we’ve sent her.

During the release party for her new self-titled album (which I was surprised wasn’t titled ‘Gerard Piqué’s Woman’), Shakira tried to clarify to E! News those statements that painted her boyfriend as a possessive, controlling, jealous asshole. Ah, damage control; my favorite of the controls (sorry Janet):

“I have rules, too. It’s two sides, you know. He can’t do stuff with models either!”

Yeah okay. Where I come from, that’s just called “not cheating”. But then Shakira said something that sounds like the IMDB description of the movie Fear:

“We’re one of those asphyxiating couples, smothering each other all the time. It’s good when your man’s protective of you. He’s a defender. He defends the goal. That is his job, so he knows how to do that well.”

Now, I’m no expert, but if you’re in a healthy relationship, you usually don’t describe your partner using murder words like ‘smothering’ or ‘asphyxiating’, right? Every time Shakira is asked about Gerard, her answers sound like dialogue that’s written for a victim on Law & Order: SVU. Attention, Shakira: I don’t want to see you explaining to Detective Olivia Benson why Gerard took away your phone (“He doesn’t like knowing other men are texting me!”), is making you wear a GPS (“He always wants to know where I am!”), and why he no longer allows you to speak unless spoken to (“He’s so protective of my vocal cords!”).

Pic: Splash/KDNPIX

Shakira’s Boyfriend Doesn’t Allow Her To Do Music Videos With Men Anymore

Even Candace Cameron Bure read that headline and went “Shoot girl, are you ever allowed out of the house? Blink once for yes and twice for HELP A BITCH ESCAPE!”

Shakira gave an interview to Billboard where she talks about having to ask her boyfriend, Gerard Piqué, for permission to shoot that fake gayelle tourism video with Rihanna. That alone was enough for my eyes to hyperspeed into a cut-eye that said ‘Excuse you and excuse your permission-asking bullshit.’ But then she hit the gas hard and plowed right into an International Women’s Day parade:

“He’s very territorial, and since he no longer lets me do videos with men, well, I have to do them with women,” she says with a laugh. “It’s more than implied in our relationship that I can’t do videos like I used to. It’s out of the question – which I like, by the way. I like that he protects his turf and he values me, in a way that the only person that he would ever let graze my thigh would be Rihanna.”

She’s not allowed to even think about filming a music video with another man? Shit, dickmatized doesn’t even come close to describing Shakira’s relationship with her boyfriend; it’s more like dickmatrapped. Adam Levine, Usher, and Blake Shelton need to stop whatever they’re doing (humping a lingerie model, putting Bieber down for a nap, hiding in the garage from Miranda Lambert) and force Shakira to watch Sleeping with the Enemy and The Stranger Beside Me, followed by singing I’m Every Woman into their hair brushes.

And speaking of Adam Levine; Shakira’s boyfriend can’t be that territorial if he’s letting her sit next to the King of the Man Sluts on The Voice. Or maybe he’s made peace with the fact that Adam’s hoo-hoo hungry dick is able to hunt down snatch like the Predator and there’s nothing he can do about it.

(Pic: Splash)

Shakira Would Like To Become The Colombian Michelle Duggar

Saying the word “Duggar” around my vagina is like pulling out the vacuum from the closet in front of a dog; it freaks the fuck out trying to find a place to hide before shooting you a look that says: “You MONSTER! I thought we were friends??” But apparently the idea of pushing a dozen or so ooze-covered screaming watermelons through your hoo-hoo makes Shakira want to do that janky She Wolf dance in joy. In an interview with Latina (via Us Weekly) Shakira says that she’d be happily let her boyfriend Gerard Pique turn her vagina into a clown car if it weren’t for that pesky killjoy called work getting in the way:

“If it weren’t because of my music projects, I would be pregnant already,” the Voice mentor, mom to 13-month-old Milan, says in her interview with the mag. “I would love to have eight or nine kids with Gerard — my own futbol team.”

The magazine then tried to ask Shakira’s shakoochie what it thought about birthing eight or nine children, but was unavailable for comment because it was too busy rocking back and forth in a curled-up ball chanting “No no no no no.”

I know babies are adorable and whatnot, but unless you’re end goal is to establish a child army used to defend The People’s Republic of Your House, there’s really no reason to make that many kids. To put it in perspective, that’s like adopting a kitten and going “Oh my god, know what would be cuter than one kitten? 400 kittens.” Because the mess from one child or kitten (or decorative cactus if that’s where you’re life is at right now) is manageable. But the mess from 9 kids? Fuck me. Just the thought of stepping on a sharp-ass Lego in the middle of the night is enough to make me call up my doctor and ask: “Is there any way I can donate my fuck parts to science? I don’t want them anymore.”

Shakira And RiRi Get Into Some Fake Gayelle Groping In Their New Video

Shakira and RiRi’s song “Can’t Remember To Forget You” (which is what I’ll be saying later when I still have this wreck of a song stuck in my head) is a direct assault on eardrums and it sounds like two rabid goats fighting over an apple, but if you’re into two pop tricks rubbing each other’s magnificent nalgitas and lezzing it up for the camera, then the video makes up for the song.

Joseph Kahn, who directed this, probably told them to pretend like they’re two cats in heat who just got attacked by billions of fleas, because they’re scratching their asses against the wall and writhing on a mattress like they need the Q-tip and a flea bath at the same time. Nomi Malone and Cristal Conners will always be the reigning Queens of fake lesbian-on-fake lesbian action, but Shakira and RiRi tried to come for their throne.

I am all for pop chicks selling it hard by dry humping on each other (see: Madge & Brit Brit, Madge & Miley, Madge & Xtina, Madge & everybody, etc….), but when are we going to finally get two pop dudes selling it to the gay gaze by grabbing on each other. And no, the Biebs and Usher don’t count.

Why Does Baby Milan Have A Giant Finger For An Arm?

And why do I not have a giant finger for an arm? With a finger arm, you’re always giving a bitch the finger.

Almost two weeks after Shakira’s truthful hips birthed out her and Gerard Pique’s son Milan, they have released the first picture of their baby friend on UNICEF’s website and are asking their fans to drop a donation into UNICEF’s donation cup. Shah-keeeeeeeee-dah and Gerard attached a note to the picture and that note read:

“We hope that, in his name, other less privileged children in the world can have their basic needs covered through gifts and donations. Thank you for sharing this unforgettable moment with us.”

Okay, is Gerard Pique a giant or did Shakira give birth to Thumbelino? Because it sorts of look like Gerard is trying to snort Milan’s head and it looks like he can do it.

And damn at Gerard’s finger. Dude isn’t only hung in the crotch, he’s hung in the fingers too.

via UsWeekly 

London, Paris, Milan!

If you’re in Barcelona and thought that your city was under attack by a herd of rabid goats, there’s no need  to sit in fear and wait until they chew you alive. It wasn’t a herd of rabid goats, it was just Shakira letting out a goat wail while giving birth to her first kid (see what I did there?). Shakira and her big peened piece Gerard Piqué are parents to a baby boy who weighed in at 6lbs. 6oz. Somebody posted this announcement on Shakira’s website today:

We are happy to announce the birth of Milan Piqué Mebarak, son of Shakira Mebarak and Gerard Piqué, born January 22nd at 9:36pm, in Barcelona, Spain.

The name Milan (pronounced MEE-lahn), means dear, loving and gracious in Slavic; in Ancient Roman, eager and laborious; and in Sanskrit, unification.

Just like his father, baby Milan became a member of FC Barcelona at birth.

The hospital confirmed that the couple’s first child weighed approximately 6lbs. 6 ounces, and that both mother and child are in excellent health.

I see them trying to act like they named Milan after a Slavic meaning, but they can’t fool me. Minutes before Shakira shook Baby Milan out of her body (like this), a long table with RuPaul and the other RuPaul’s Drag Race judges behind it rolled out and RuPaul announced, “London, Paris, MEE-LAHN!” And out sashayed Baby Milan. They didn’t name Milan after a Slavic meaning. They named Milan after Milan from Drag Race, obviously. Your hips might not lie, Shakira, but your baby name announcements do!