Shakira Would Like To Become The Colombian Michelle Duggar

Saying the word “Duggar” around my vagina is like pulling out the vacuum from the closet in front of a dog; it freaks the fuck out trying to find a place to hide before shooting you a look that says: “You MONSTER! I thought we were friends??” But apparently the idea of pushing a dozen or so ooze-covered screaming watermelons through your hoo-hoo makes Shakira want to do that janky She Wolf dance in joy. In an interview with Latina (via Us Weekly) Shakira says that she’d be happily let her boyfriend Gerard Pique turn her vagina into a clown car if it weren’t for that pesky killjoy called work getting in the way:

“If it weren’t because of my music projects, I would be pregnant already,” the Voice mentor, mom to 13-month-old Milan, says in her interview with the mag. “I would love to have eight or nine kids with Gerard — my own futbol team.”

The magazine then tried to ask Shakira’s shakoochie what it thought about birthing eight or nine children, but was unavailable for comment because it was too busy rocking back and forth in a curled-up ball chanting “No no no no no.”

I know babies are adorable and whatnot, but unless you’re end goal is to establish a child army used to defend The People’s Republic of Your House, there’s really no reason to make that many kids. To put it in perspective, that’s like adopting a kitten and going “Oh my god, know what would be cuter than one kitten? 400 kittens.” Because the mess from one child or kitten (or decorative cactus if that’s where you’re life is at right now) is manageable. But the mess from 9 kids? Fuck me. Just the thought of stepping on a sharp-ass Lego in the middle of the night is enough to make me call up my doctor and ask: “Is there any way I can donate my fuck parts to science? I don’t want them anymore.”