The Future President Of The United States And The Future First Lady At The Correspondents Dinner

The White House Corespondents Dinner (aka the event that Sarah Palin rage watches on TV every year like a lonely 11th grader sitting all alone in her car parked in the lot of the prom she wasn’t invited to)  happened in DC last night and it’s usually a real trash heap of an event filled with gutter skanks like Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan and Spencer Pratt. But they decided to switch things up this year and bring in some real stars and beauty! Sure, there were still some hos there whose one brain cell would spit out an error 405  if you asked them to spell “correspondents” (see: Jessica Simpson), but the presence of ROJO CALIENTE made up for that!

Rojo Caliente blessed the WHCD with her glorious gingerness last night, because she’s in politics now and it’s only a matter of time before she’s voted in as President and moves into the White House (sorry, Hillary). Our future First Lady Cynthia Nixon was Rojo’s date and judging by that dress, we know her focus will be recycling when she moves into the White House. Because you know that ratty couch from the 60s your hoarding memaw just couldn’t let go of and put on the back porch where it became a bed to the raccoons who troll around her yard? Well, Cynthia Nixon ripped the fabric off of that back porch couch and used it to make the dress she wore last night.

Believe it or not, last night’s events weren’t canceled so that everyone could watch Rojo eat and slowly sip champagne. The events and jokes went on. Obama told jokes between two ferns!

And the poster child for good plugs Joel McHale told jokes too!

But the real entertainment came from watching the beige polyester panties of all the old people bunch up into their ass cheeks as they got highly offended by Joel’s jokes.

And here’s a few pictures from last night’s nerd prom including my best dressed of the night Rose McGowan who delivered some boudoir chic by wrapping a black silk sheet around a teddy.

Pics: Getty, Splash

Everything Is A Lie: Ronan Farrow’s “Special Contacts” Make His Blue Eyes Bluer

One of the big reasons why everybody with a sense of sight thinks Ronan Farrow was made with Frank Sinatra’s jizz is because, just like his daddy, he’s got eyes that make you want to miniaturize yourself, grab a miniature floatie lounger and float on his grey blue iris. But Page Six, the destroyer of illusions, has gone and ripped the contacts right out of Ronan’s eyes and EXPOSED him! A source tells Page Six that Ronan wears special contacts, unlike the not-to-special ones you and I wear, and they turn his boring, old regular blue eyes into Frank Sinatra blue eyes. Ronan is basically like my cousin who buys her “Elizabeth Taylor violet eyes” at a beauty supply store next to a Blimpie’s in a strip mall. The source put it like this:

“He’s blind as a bat, they are prescription contacts. They are tinted white, but they do make his eyes brighter blue.”

What next? Page Six is going to tell us that Prince Hot Ginge dyes his hair with red henna? Or that Phoebe Price doesn’t have shellacked chicken cutlets stuck in her cheeks? Her cheeks are just naturally like that. Or that Jon Hamm’s really got a skinny shrimp dick and he puts a knee sock stuffed with ground chuck in his pants? I can’t take anymore. Oh, Page Six, quit making my brown eyes the color of Ronan Farrow’s eyes when he puts on his special contacts.

Here’s Ronan working that pucker at the Time 100 Gala in NYC on Tuesday night. I also threw in pictures of Martha Stewart in her favorite sequined capris, because I know you want to spend a piece of your Thursday squinting at her crotch to see if you see toe.

Pics: Wenn.com

Dylan Farrow Responds To Woody Allen’s Response To Her Open Letter

You can now go ahead and update your LinkedIn profile to read: Current – Professional Allen/Farrow Response Reader at My Couch, because keeping up with the responses in this mess has become a full-time job.

Last night, Woody Allen dropped his ten million word response to Dylan Farrow’s abuse claims and he spent most of his keystrokes on slamming Mia Farrow and accusing her of being the master manipulator behind his downfall. Woody denied molesting her and diagnosed Mia as being a bona fide crazy bitch. Woody ended his response by saying he would never speak of this again. Dylan obviously wants the last word and she immediately gave her response to Woody’s response. Dylan says that she’s never wavered and she went on to dissect the “facts” that Woody shat out in his statement. Here’s Dylan’s full response from The Hollywood Reporter:

Once again, Woody Allen is attacking me and my family in an effort to discredit and silence me – but nothing he says or writes can change the truth. For 20 years, I have never wavered in describing what he did to me. I will carry the memories of surviving these experiences for the rest of my life.

His op-ed is the latest rehash of the same legalese, distortions, and outright lies he has leveled at me for the past 20 years. He insists my mother brought criminal charges – in fact, it was a pediatrician who reported the incident to the police based on my firsthand account. He suggests that no one complained of his misconduct prior to his assault on me – court documents show that he was in treatment for what his own therapist described as “inappropriate” behavior with me from as early as 1991. He offers a carefully worded claim that he passed a lie detector test – in fact, he refused to take the test administered by the state police (he hired someone to administer his own test, which authorities refused to accept as evidence). These and other misrepresentations have been rebutted in more detail by independent, highly respected journalists, including this most recent article here:

http://www.vanityfair.com/online/daily/2014/02/woody-allen-sex-abuse-10-facts

With all the attempts to misrepresent the facts, it is important to be reminded of the truth contained in court documents from the only final ruling in this case, by the New York Supreme Court in 1992. In denying my father all access to me, that court:

Debunked the “experts” my father claims exonerated him, calling them “colored by their loyalty to Mr. Allen”, criticizing the author of their report (who never met me) for destroying all supporting documentation, and calling their conclusions “sanitized and therefore less credible”.

Included testimony from babysitters who witnessed inappropriate sexual behavior by my father toward me.

Found that “there is no credible evidence to support Mr. Allen’s contention that Ms. Farrow coached Dylan or that Ms. Farrow acted upon a desire for revenge against him for seducing Soon-Yi. Mr. Allen’s resort to the stereotypical ‘woman scorned’ defense is an injudicious attempt to divert attention from his failure to act as a responsible parent and adult.”

Concluded that the evidence “…proves that Mr. Allen’s behavior toward Dylan was grossly inappropriate and that measures must be taken to protect her.”

Finally, the Connecticut State prosecutor found “probable cause” to prosecute, but made the decision not to in an effort to protect “the child victim”, given my fragile state.

From the bottom of my heart, I will be forever grateful for the outpouring of support I have received from survivors and countless others. If speaking out about my experience can help others stand up to their tormentors, it will be worth the pain and suffering my father continues to inflict on me. Woody Allen has an arsenal of lawyers and publicists but the one thing he does not have on his side is the truth. I hope this is the end of his vicious attacks and of the media campaign by his lawyers and publicists, as he’s promised. I won’t let the truth be buried and I won’t be silenced.

Well, that’s that.

I can already hear you screaming, “MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOOOOOP!” I think we’ve all overdosed on this shit and I won’t post about it again until Lifetime announces that they’re making a Saturday night movie about this messy, sad saga starring Vanessa Bayer as Dylan, a dehydrated dead worm as Woody and a Frank Sinatra hologram as Ronan. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to search Tumblr for GIFs of Ronan Farrow batting those baby blue eyes in slow motion.

Woody Allen Goes In On Mia Farrow In His Response To Dylan Farrow’s Abuse Claims

Go ahead and just start pouring bottles of vodka into the bathtub now, because you’re going to want to soak your body in a whole lot of booze after you read the latest chapter in this messy, sad family shit. The New York Times published Woody Allen’s long ass response to Dylan Farrow’s claims that he molested her when she was 7 years old. Woody is mad and pretty much paints Mia Farrow as a crazy, manipulative, shady home wrecking slut whore who brainwashes children and has made it her life goal to skin him alive and Riverdance on his destroyed body.

Woody, of course, denies ever abusing Dylan and says that when he was first accused of it, he didn’t even get a lawyer, because he thought the whole thing was so ridiculous. Woody claims he took a lie detector and passed, and that Mia refused to take one. Woody also claims that at first Dylan told a doctor she wasn’t molested, but after spending the afternoon with Mia, she said she was. Woody basically laid down everything his lawyer laid down. The Child Sexual Abuse Clinic of the Yale-New Haven Hospital investigated the claims and declared that Woody didn’t molest her and Mia most likely put the story in her head. Vanity Fair wrote a piece about that investigation and they say the whole thing was pretty shady. Woody says that it was pretty impossible for him to molest Dylan in the attic, because he’s claustrophobic and the attic was all cramped and shit. Yeah, claustrophobic hos are completely allergic to attics and cannot molest children in there. Makes sense.

Woody writes that it’s funny how he was never accused of child touching up until then and then he spit out a true vomit-inducing dingle when describing his “new relationship” with a 17-year-old:

I had been going out with Mia for 12 years and never in that time did she ever suggest to me anything resembling misconduct. Now, suddenly, when I had driven up to her house in Connecticut one afternoon to visit the kids for a few hours, when I would be on my raging adversary’s home turf, with half a dozen people present, when I was in the blissful early stages of a happy new relationship with the woman I’d go on to marry — that I would pick this moment in time to embark on a career as a child molester should seem to the most skeptical mind highly unlikely. The sheer illogic of such a crazy scenario seemed to me dispositive.

Woody, who also drops quotes from Moses Farrow’s interview with People, doesn’t even think that Dylan wrote the open letter for the NY Times. He thinks that Mia once again pulled Dylan’s strings by writing the letter and putting Dylan’s name on it:

One must ask, did Dylan even write the letter or was it at least guided by her mother? Does the letter really benefit Dylan or does it simply advance her mother’s shabby agenda? That is to hurt me with a smear. There is even a lame attempt to do professional damage by trying to involve movie stars, which smells a lot more like Mia than Dylan.

He also continued to try to smear Mia’s reputation by saying that if Frank Sinatra is Ronan Farrow’s biological father, then she’s shifty as fuck for accepting child support checks.

I pause here for a quick word on the Ronan situation. Is he my son or, as Mia suggests, Frank Sinatra’s? Granted, he looks a lot like Frank with the blue eyes and facial features, but if so what does this say? That all during the custody hearing Mia lied under oath and falsely represented Ronan as our son? Even if he is not Frank’s, the possibility she raises that he could be, indicates she was secretly intimate with him during our years. Not to mention all the money I paid for child support. Was I supporting Frank’s son? Again, I want to call attention to the integrity and honesty of a person who conducts her life like that.

He ends this shit by saying that he hopes Dylan will reach out to him (here comes the heaves):

Of course, I did not molest Dylan. I loved her and hope one day she will grasp how she has been cheated out of having a loving father and exploited by a mother more interested in her own festering anger than her daughter’s well-being. Being taught to hate your father and made to believe he molested you has already taken a psychological toll on this lovely young woman, and Soon-Yi and I are both hoping that one day she will understand who has really made her a victim and reconnect with us, as Moses has, in a loving, productive way. No one wants to discourage abuse victims from speaking out, but one must bear in mind that sometimes there are people who are falsely accused and that is also a terribly destructive thing.

Woody also promised to never speak of this again.

This mess. It’s like being the guest at the Thanksgiving dinner of the most dysfunctional, fucked up and torn apart family ever. Pass the mashed Xanax, please. You can read the whole thing here. I’m going to drop a palate cleanser below, because you’re going to need it.

Thank EVERYTHING for Maru.

Dylan Farrow Responds To Her Brother’s Claim That She Was Brainwashed By Their Mom

Another day, another sad chapter in the never-ending messiness that is the Allen-Farrow family saga. There’s not enough cat videos on the internet to cleanse my palate of this mess.

Woody Allen and Mia Farrow’s son Moses Farrow stood in his dad’s corner when he told People Magazine that his dad didn’t abuse his sister Dylan Farrow and Mia put that dark-sided thought in her head. Several people including Woody’s lawyer have said that Mia brainwashed Dylan into thinking Woody molested her. Dylan briefly responded to Moses’ claim and said that he’s wrong and he’s dead to her. Dylan talked to People Magazine again and went into why she wrote that open letter and how she feels about Moses calling her a lie-teller. Dylan says that she wanted to go public for a long time and she decided to do it after Ronan Farrow brought up the abuse in a tweet on Golden Globes night. Dylan tells People that when the letter went public, she knew a lot of people out there wouldn’t believe her.

“People are saying that I am not actually remembering what I remember. People are saying that my ‘evil mother’ brainwashed me because they refuse to believe that my sick, evil father would ever molest me, because we live in this society where victim blaming and inexcusable behavior – this taboo against shaming the famous at the expense of their victims – is accepted and excused. I knew there were people saying I was a liar and that this was part of some smear campaign – some bitter vendetta of my mother’s.”

But nothing hurt Dylan more than her brother Moses stamping the word “LIES!!!” in red on her open letter.

“My brother has broken my heart. Moses divorced himself from the family a long time ago. I always missed him. I loved him and I kept him in my thoughts. These lies – this betrayal – is unfathomable to me coming from a brother I loved and cherished and grew up with. I’m sorry. I’m shaking right now.

He has betrayed me in the cruelest way imaginable, and betrayed my family and my mother who has loved him since day one. His betrayal is the lowest form of evil that I could ever imagine.”

Moses burped out nothing but a river of lies, so says Dylan, and she goes on to say that her memories are true and it was hard for her to write that open letter, because she did love Woody Allen at one time. Dylan put her story out there to help other victims of abuse and now she’s getting revenge by living a happy life with her husband whom she met through a personal ad on The Onion.

“He is the most wonderful man in the world. When they say living well is the best revenge – I have that. My conscience is clean. I have told the truth. I cannot say the same for Moses. I love my family so much. We are a strong family. We are a loving family. We are a brave family. We are fighters. I love my mother so much. I am hoping to help at least one person out there. And that’s why I spoke out.”

I know this is an extremely serious story and should be handled with extreme seriousness, but after reading Dylan’s interview with People my only question was, “The Onion has a personal section?!” Since when? Is it a real dating site or do they troll your ass the only way The Onion can?  When you go on there, do you magically find a personal ad that is one hundred percent perfect (example: a picture of a hot ginger wearing a Showgirls t-shirt while posing in front of the weed dispensary he owns)? You write your future soulmate and make plans to meet at the bar at T.G.I. Friday’s. Then after guzzling your third Barbados Rum Punch by yourself, you realize that you’ve been trolled by The Onion yet again, your soulmate was a fake, you ain’t getting any, love is a lie and you should’ve just stayed home and fapped to PornHub all night. Actually, I think I just described 99% of my online dating experiences.

Dylan Farrow Writes An Open Letter About How Woody Allen Abused Her

After reading that headline, Dylan Farrow’s letter and staring at Woody Allen’s juicy pit stain and his nasty, gross pink eye, we’re all going to need to get into a hot bath with a bottle or two of something seriously mind-numbing. I’ll run the bath now….

On Golden Globes night, Woody Allen Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow’s son Ronan Farrow burned every inch of Woody Allen’s shriveled turtle body when he tweeted the question, “Missed the Woody Allen tribute – did they put the part where a woman publicly confirmed he molested her at age 7 before or after Annie Hall?” The Daily Beast recently wrote a piece defending Woody’s ass against the allegations. The 7-year-old who was sexually abused by Woody was his adopted daughter Dylan Farrow and she’s come out to talk about it publicly for the first time. In Nicholas Kristof’s blog on The New York Times, Dylan Farrow writes about how PedoBear PedoTurtle child touched her when she was just a little girl and he manipulated her in more ways than one.

What’s your favorite Woody Allen movie? Before you answer, you should know: when I was seven years old, Woody Allen took me by the hand and led me into a dim, closet-like attic on the second floor of our house. He told me to lay on my stomach and play with my brother’s electric train set. Then he sexually assaulted me. He talked to me while he did it, whispering that I was a good girl, that this was our secret, promising that we’d go to Paris and I’d be a star in his movies. I remember staring at that toy train, focusing on it as it traveled in its circle around the attic. To this day, I find it difficult to look at toy trains.

For as long as I could remember, my father had been doing things to me that I didn’t like. I didn’t like how often he would take me away from my mom, siblings and friends to be alone with him. I didn’t like it when he would stick his thumb in my mouth. I didn’t like it when I had to get in bed with him under the sheets when he was in his underwear. I didn’t like it when he would place his head in my naked lap and breathe in and breathe out. I would hide under beds or lock myself in the bathroom to avoid these encounters, but he always found me. These things happened so often, so routinely, so skillfully hidden from a mother that would have protected me had she known, that I thought it was normal. I thought this was how fathers doted on their daughters. But what he did to me in the attic felt different. I couldn’t keep the secret anymore.

Dylan goes on to write that when her mother went to the police, Woody denied it and said that Mia was just trying to smear his reputation because he left her for his stepdaughter Soon-Yi. The State of Connecticut never threw criminal charges at Woody because they felt that Dylan wouldn’t be able to handle the trial and that she was too fragile. He was never convicted. Dylan writes that Woody getting away with it still haunts her and she was terrified of touching men and later developed an eating disorder and started cutting herself. She says that she’s in a better place now, but she doesn’t know how Hollywood can support a child touching monster like Woody Allen and she called some bitches out.

What if it had been your child, Cate Blanchett? Louis CK? Alec Baldwin? What if it had been you, Emma Stone? Or you, Scarlett Johansson? You knew me when I was a little girl, Diane Keaton. Have you forgotten me?

Woody Allen is a living testament to the way our society fails the survivors of sexual assault and abuse.

So imagine your seven-year-old daughter being led into an attic by Woody Allen. Imagine she spends a lifetime stricken with nausea at the mention of his name. Imagine a world that celebrates her tormenter.

Are you imagining that? Now, what’s your favorite Woody Allen movie?

And DAMN at those last few lines. And while we’re taking this all in, Mia’s friend Roman Polanski is probably letting out ten clouds of relief while going, “Phew!”