Paula Patton Wants You To Know That Her Husband Has A Big Dick

In his song with Kendrick Lamar “Give It 2 U,” Robin Thicke brags that he’s got a thick dick for you and in his video for “Blurred Lines,” a blonde model dances in front of a silver balloon sign that reads, “Robin Thicke Has A Big Dick.” That slut is subtle. Basically, Robin Thicke wants you to think that when he goes to a glory hole, he brings a hand saw with him to make the hole big enough to fit his triple X crotch salchicha and his peen is so large that it can shaftslam the Hammaconda without straining one vein. So because Robin Thicke is always bragging about how he has to sew together three Magnums to make a rubber that’s big enough for his obese dick, Glamour Magazine asked his wife Paula Patton if his his peen is as thick as his head:

GLAMOUR: You guys still seem very passionate. He did say in an interview that he turned you into a bad girl.

PAULA PATTON: He ruined me! Gosh, I hope I’m still a good girl and a bad girl at the same time. And I think that every girl should know the bad girl inside her—and that doesn’t make her bad, you know.

GLAMOUR: So in the “Blurred Lines” video, there’s that balloon message—“Robin Thicke has a big d-ck”…

PAULA PATTON: It’s cool, it’s funny, it’s awesome!

GLAMOUR: Yes, it’s definitely all of those things. But we have to ask: Is it accurate?

PAULA PATTON: Robin’s like, “Listen, if I’m, you know, in the Miami Heat’s locker room, I don’t know where I stand, but.…” But I think that the statement is fairly accurate!

So if he was in the Miami Heat locker room, size-wise, his dick would fall somewhere between a wordlock combination lock and a Sparkletts water jug. Okay. You know, I can’t believe I’m typing this and it hurts me as a shameless slut to type this, but I’m kind of sick of hearing about Robin Thicke’s gigantic peen. The words “Robin Thicke has a big dick” are meaningless without a Hi Res picture. It’s kind of like if you told me, “Michael, my kitten is so gorgeous,” without showing me a picture. For all I know, your kitten could be uglier than a pile of Crocs. So yeah, show it or shut it, Robin.

Robin Thicke’s dick is kind of like Miley’s tongue: I’m tired of it. Robin Thicke’s dick is also like Miley’s tongue, because if you want to lick it, you’d probably have to scrape layers of slimy ICK NAST off of it before doing so.

Robin Thicke’s Crotch Was The Innocent Party In His VMAs Performance With Miley Cyrus

Because we’re still treating that VMAs twerking shit like it’s the only thing that has ever happened in the history of the Earth (yes, I’m guilty and will punish myself by watching it again in slow motion while sober), The Mighty Oprah asked Alan Thicke’s son about it during Sunday’s episode of Oprah’s Next Chapter. Even though there were rehearsals and Robin Thicke obviously knew that Miley’s Amber Alert ass was going to rub up against his crotch, he played innocent and said that he wasn’t really paying attention to her during their performance.

“That’s all on her. People ask me, ‘Do you twerk?’ I’m like, ‘Listen, I’m the twerkee. I’m twerked upon. I don’t twerk myself, okay? I’m just twerked upon.’

I was on stage. I didn’t see it. So to me, I’m walking out towards Miley [and] I’m not thinking sex. I’m thinking fun, you know? I mean her and I don’t have that kind of – You have to remember, I’m singing my butt off. I’m sitting there. I’m looking up at the sky, and I’m not really paying attention to all that.”

The inside of Robin Thicke’s head probably looks a lot like my browser history: porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, puppy videos, porn, porn, porn, porn, directions to nearest Del Taco, porn, porn, porn. Replace “puppy videos” and “directions to nearest Del Taco” with “Adult Friend Finder” and “70spimpsuits.com,” and that’s exactly what the inside of Robin Thicke’s head looks like. So he’s full of shit for saying that he wasn’t thinking about sex while singing a song about sex, because he’s always thinking about sex. Robin’s crotch was to Miley Cyrus’ ass as Janet Jackson’s nipple was to Justin Timberlake’s paw. That fuckery train had two conductors.

And I’m not going to watch Oprah’s Next Chapter on Sunday, because I love my TV too much and I’d have to take a sledgehammer to it if Oprah attempted to twerk on Robin’s crotch.

Here’s Robin doing an impersonation of all of the Nymphomaniac posters while performing in Liverpool last night.

Pics: Splash

Robin Thicke And Paula Patton Slobber On About Each Other In Prestige Magazine

It was nice of Prestige Magazine to erase the party girl ass that Robin Thicke had his right hand on.

Party girl type Lana Scolario told Life & Style that Robin Thicke wanted to bone the ten layers of eyeliner off of her face while his wife gave a thumbs up in the corner. One way for Robin Thicke and Paula Patton to respond to that is by kissing on each other at a party for his album in NYC. They did that last night. Another way to show the world that they’re the happiest married couple of all time is to fart up words of love about each other in a magazine. They did that too. In the new issue of Hong Kong’s Prestige Magazine, which came out today, Paula and Robin gushed about each other until they couldn’t gush anymore:

Robin on Paula: “I don’t know if I would still be alive in some ways if it wasn’t for Paula. She’s been my rock, my muse, my inspiration and I love her. The whole way.”

Paula on Robin: “I’ve been there for his down moments and he’s been there for mine. Life is full of peaks and valleys. Robin has always been a great person to remind me to celebrate now. Even when it looks like I’ve got a role but don’t know for sure, he’s like, ‘Let’s celebrate!'”

Paula on spending their down time together: “We watch movies. Just sit and contemplate – we have a house with a bit of a view. Listening to music. Talking about what’s going on in our lives. We’re best friends. We laugh a lot. But that’s our down time. We do the things you’re supposed to do, like work out – blah, blah, blah, boring, boring. We love to travel together and travel with our child. Get out of the house. Because our house is a mad house. We don’t have normal jobs. So it’s always a work house. Robin makes music at home and my job when I’m not on set always brings people into our home.”

Let me fix that for your Paula. “We watch porn. Hos just sit on Robin and then he cums on my tits. Our house is a slut house. Robin does hos at home and when I’m not on set I always bring new hos into our home.”

Because of the PDA show last night and this interview coming out today, it feels like Paula and Robin are doing damage control and I don’t know why. They don’t need to. So they’re okay with each other boning side tricks. If they have an open marriage, they aren’t the first hos to have an open marriage and they won’t be the last. I have a friend of a friend who has an open relationship with his dude and he says it’s the reason why their relationship is so perfect. It works for them, but I don’t know how. I mean, they have so many rules. They can’t hump a trick in their bed. The trick can’t spend the night. The trick can only use the second bathroom and not their bathroom. The trick has to be told that he can’t show up to their house whenever he wants. The trick can’t call, can only text. If they see the trick out in public, they can’t hug the trick. And on and on and on….

If I was their trick, I’d go home to fap and eat ice cream as soon as they told me rule #2. Too much work. So many rules and instructions. Are we fucking or are we building an Ikea bookcase?

And all this Robin Thicke and Paula Patton open marriage talks makes me wish that there was a very special episode of Growing Pains where Dr. Seaver and Maggie become swingers.

Robin Thicke Has The Worst Pick-Up Lines

When that picture of Robin Thicke getting a handful of socialite/student Lana Scolaro’s ass made the rounds, you just knew that she would do an interview with some tabloid, which would would lead to a spread in Girls & Corpses magazine, which would lead to a “leaked sex tape,” which would lead to a regular spot on Vh1’s upcoming reality show R&B Groupies, which would lead to her putting out a make-up line for the party girl who wants her tar-made eyeliner to last 40 days and 40 nights. Well, Lana Scolaro is on step one of that fame whore journey.

Lana told Life & Style what happened the night that Robin Thicke got the scent of her ass on his fingertips. 20-year-old Lana says that she met Robin at a friend’s party a week before the VMAs. At the VMAs after-party at 1Oak, Robin sashayed up to Lana and dropped a pick-up line he obviously stole from PedoBear. Robin supposedly said:

“I just love the fact that you’re so young.”

What kind of To Catch A Predator crap is that? That sounds exactly like a line Chris Hansen read off of a chat transcript between a pedo and a decoy. It also sounds like something a chef would say to a dead calf before making veal chops.

Lana said that Robin’s hands stuck to her for most of the night and his wife Paula Patton was at the party too. Lana told Robin that she didn’t want to hook up with him, because he’s married and he told her that Paula is “chill” and will totally talk to her. After the party, Lana, Robin and Paula got into his car and went to another party in a suite at the Greenwich Hotel. Robin and Lana were all over each other on the couch and then she went to the bathroom:

“I went to the bathroom, and when I came out he was standing there. He turned off the lights so no one could see us, and he started making out with me. He was grabbing me. He was like, ‘I want to get you into bed!’”

They didn’t get into bed. They kept getting interrupted and when the party got broken up at 8 in the morning, Robin gave Lana his number and said that they’d see each other again during New York Fashion Week.

Blind items have told me for a while that Robin Thicke and Paula Patton’s marriage is wide open and now it all makes sense. If Robin uses lines like “I just love the fact that you’re so young” to pick up a trick, imagine the crap he says while boning. (No, don’t or you may cringe yourself  inside/out). Paula has lived through years of hearing lines like that, so she’d rather smoke a joint in the corner by herself while Robin dribbles those lines into another ho’s ear for once.

(Pic via Instagram)

Miley Cyrus Thinks Her VMAs Performance Made History

Years from now on, American history students will learn all about the important time in our country’s history when Miley Cyrus, the chipmunk daughter of a sad mullet and a slutty anime horse, had dry butt sex with Alan Thicke’s son during the 2013 VMAs. That’s what Miley thinks anyway. Miley opened up her talk hole about her VMAs performance to MTV News and now we know that one of the symptoms of over-twerking is vomiting out a river of lukewarm delusion. Miley compared herself to Madonna and then said that she’s just being Miley!

“I don’t pay attention to the negative because I’ve seen this play out so many times. How many times have we seen this play out in pop music? Madonna’s done it. Britney’s done it. Every VMA performance, that’s what you’re looking for; you’re wanting to make history. Me and Robin the whole time said, ‘You know we’re about to make history right now. What’s amazing is I think now, we’re three days later and people are still talking about it. They’re over thinking it. You’re thinking about it more than I thought about it when I did it. Like, I didn’t even think about it ’cause that’s just me.”

“Like, I didn’t even think about it...” Oh really, nobody noticed.

See, this is what happens when a dad feeds his special hillbilly snowflake a bunch of lies because he’s afraid that she’ll cut off his allowance if he tells her the truth. The snowflake’s brains become a heaping mound of delusion. But you know, Miley is kind of right. The new world record for the most people to suffer from secondhand embarrassment at the same time was made during her VMAs performance, so she did help to make history!

Robin Thicke Is Smooth

This picture of Robin Thicke sticking his hand in the cookie jar (Side note: Beware of mirrors, they’ll always call you out the hell out. Case in point.) made the rounds on Tumblr and Twitter a day or two after the VMAs before ending up on MediaTakeOut. Not much was known about this mess and some said it was an old picture. But Radar and The Daily Mail put their magnifying glasses up to Robin’s sticky fingers and got to the bottom of EVERYTHING.

The Daily Mail says that the Tara Reid and Paris Hilton circa 2002 hybrid is student/socialite type Lana Scolaro. Lana Instagrammed a few pictures she took with Robin including this one of her looking like a demure raccoon getting the shocker from Dr. Seaver’s son. Radar says that the picture isn’t old. It was taken at a VMAs after-party that Robin hosted at 1OAK in NYC. Robin’s wife of 8 years Paula Patton was at the club that night.

Paula recently said that she once hid in the bushes to try to catch Robin passing his dick to another trick, so you’d think she’d be pissed about this picture, but I doubt it. They seem wide open to me. A look of shock would not cover my face if you told me that she lets him be a slut. I bet she makes a “Huh? What’s going on here?” face when she DOESN’T smell another chick’s ass on his fingers.

And when Robin’s mother Gloria Loring was asked about this picture, she said, “I don’t understand what that girl is trying to do. I was not expecting her to be putting her butt on my son’s hand The problem is now I can never unsee it.”

Here’s Robin wearing the same outfit while posing next to a messy Paula Patton at the VMAs.

Pics: Wenn.com