Robin Thicke Tried To Save His Marriage To Paula Patton

We all tipped over with SHOCK! yesterday when Paula Patton announced that she’s totally done with licking up random snatch juices off of Robin Thicke’s lips when she kisses him hello. I figured that when Paula Patton told Alan Thicke’s son that she’s done with his ass, he temporarily took his mouth of off his side piece’s snatch, shrugged and put his mouth back down. But a source tells TMZ that Robin canceled a show and flew his ass from Atlanta to Canada to get Paula to change her mind. It’s kind of impressive how “a source” (aka Robin’s publicist) found time to talk to TMZ in between dropping piles of cash into all of his side piece’s lap so they won’t run off and sell their stories to Life & Style.

The sources tell TMZ that after fighting all the time, Paula told Robin on Friday that she wanted to Give It 2 Him and by “it” she meant a separation. Paula’s in Vancouver shooting a movie and Robin was so desperate to change her mind that he canceled his concert in Atlanta and ran his ass over to her to beg her to stay. After talking it out, Robin realized that Paula was as stuck on breaking up with him as his finger was stuck up that slutty raccoon’s ass. Robin gave in. That made Paula sad and it made Robin sad and as they both made a frowny face, his dick made a happy face, because it knew that the games were only just beginning.

Well, you could say that this is Robin’s not-so-subtle way of trying to make himself look like a loving and caring husband who tried to make his marriage work instead of taking a Crisco shower before throwing his body on a pile of naked groupies.

But these two messes have been together for 20 years since they were 14 and 16. I can’t imagine still being with my little ass boyfriend. I got my first ~real~ boyfriend when I had just turned 18 and if I was still with him today, our relationship would make Paula and Robin’s relationship look like the true definition of healthy and functional. I mean, I troll his Facebook page from time to time and he has liked both Lands’ End and CROCs (I’m not making this up). If I had to go out with my boyfriend while he was wearing a blue fleece pullover and matching CROCs, I’d have to inhale all the coke and dick to deal.

Hide Yo Vaginas! Robin Thicke Is Single Again!

You might’ve been standing outside today and noticed that a slutty-looking, Drakkar Noir-smelling tornado was humping every piece in its path. Oh, it was just Robin Thicke celebrating the end of his marriage by fucking everything he can. No pussy will be left un-fucked by Robin’s slutty ass.  Paula Patton said in a statement to People that after being together since they were teenagers, they are pressing the stop button on their marriage.

“We will always love each other and be best friends, however, we have mutually decided to separate at this time,” the singer and the actress told PEOPLE on Monday in an exclusive statement.

The pair, who first met when Thicke was 14, have been married since 2005 and welcomed son Julian Fuego Thicke in April 2010.

Just like a trick who looks down and sees a rash on her coochie after boning Robin Thicke, we all saw this coming.

Well, I’m guessing that Paula realized that the whole “open” thing wasn’t really working out, because Robin was opening his fly to every trick and ho but her. And she woke up from whatever waking coma she was in and realized that she’s married to the “Blurred Lines” douche. And yes, we should all blame this on Miley.

Paula Patton Wore A Giant White Vagina Last Night…

…Because it’s the only way to keep Robin Thicke interested.

Paula Patton, or as groupies and Vegas cocktail waitresses know her – “Robin’s Bottom Bitch”, arrived at the Golden Globes last night looking like an older woman was about to take her aside and discuss that not-so-fresh feeling (which is ironic, seeing as she has the world’s biggest douche at home). Dressing up like a pussy is some Elmer Fudd shit: Paula probably put it on thinking “I’ll catch that wascally Wobin”, then Robin pops up from the ground all nonchalant with two strippers, munching on a carrot (and by ‘carrot’ I mean ‘carrot’, you perverts) saying “Nice try, Doc” before descending back down the hole (and this time,’hole’ means…you get where I’m going here).

The dress itself isn’t so bad, it’s just that damn chiffon pussy (Chiffon Pussy – New Jersey’s Classiest Bridal-Themed Gentleman’s Club) hanging off the left side; it makes it look like a challenge from a lost X-rated episode of Project Runway. “Contestants, this week you will be required to create a dress for Paula Patton. Your challenge: to take one of the bedsheets from Robin’s tour bus, shake out all the random pubes and blonde hair extensions, and create a dress that makes Paula look like a messy loose pussy. Bonus points if you’re able to treat the full-body rash she’ll surely receive from wearing one of her husband’s used bedsheets.”

(Pics via Splash, FameFlynet)

Robin Thicke Threw A Douche-Sized Hissy Fit Over A Hotel Room

I know we were all hoping that Robin Thicke and Blurred Lines would be left back in 2013 along with Red Lobster and Keep Calm and YOLO t-shirts, but it looks like he’s clawed his way into 2014 like the penicillin-resistant strain of gross that he is. The best we can hope for is that a sleazier asshole with an even more rape-y song (“Coming in at #1 is the Shhh, Your Name Is Not Important remix”) comes along to knock him from his throne, but by then I hope I’m dead or living in a cave in the hills somewhere.

So for now, we shrug our shoulders and accept that Robin Thick is still performing sold-out shows on the Assholes To Make Your Eyes Roll Tour (it’s like the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, but with Robin Thicke, Chris Brown, The Beibs, and Kanye West as Larry The Cable Guy). According to Page Six, a hotel in Miami clearly underestimated the size of Robin Thicke’s ego when they booked him into a normal-sized room:

The “Blurred Lines” crooner was booked to perform and host a party at the Miami hotel and checked in Monday. But we’re told Thicke was dissatisfied with his digs and demanded to be moved.

“He threatened to pull out if he didn’t get a bigger room,” a source said. “His travel agent was calling all over Miami to get him a bigger room at a different hotel.” But a rep for the SLS denied the drama, saying, “Robin has been a great guest.”

Not to defend Son of Growing Pains, but they should have known better to book him in a regular King Suite; if you want Robin to perform, he needs room to get ready. One room for Paula Patton, an adjoining room for his Beetlejuice suits, a room down the hall for groupies, one room for grimy strippers, a room with an emergency dickwash station and a doctor to administer Valtrex, and a janitor’s closet for Alan (he tags along to pick up the slut’s moms).

Here’s more of Robin arriving at LAX with Paula Patton, a woman who always has that smiling on the outside/screaming on the inside look to her. I mean, I would be too if my husband went out in public wearing those NSYNC-looking pleather jeans and that fucking Eat-Pray-Love necklace:

(Pics via Splash)

Robin Thicke Probably (Read: Definitely) Did Britney Spears Back In 2003

Here we go again. Another day, another story about Robin Thicke’s wandering dick. You’d think his peen would get tired and request a day off or a vacation or something. Robin’s dick should bring that up at his next performance evaluation; at the very least, he deserves an epsom salt soak or an undisturbed nap on the couch.

Confirming that we already know that Robin is a lean, mean, man-whoring machine from way back, In Touch is reporting that 10 years ago, Robin Thicke put on his best Beetlejuice courtin’ suit to woo a post-Justin Timberlake-breakup Britney Jean Spears:

“The pair had a fling in 2003 – when Britney was at the top of her game and Robin was trying to get recognized. “He was trying hard to develop a reputation as a hot, young singer, and Brinet was the biggest thing in show business,” the source tells In Touch, sharing that the two met collaborating on a project (which was never released) and “started hooking up.”

And we all know how this storybook romance ends: In January 2004, Britney married Jason “Not the Seinfeld One” Alexander in Las Vegas (a decision that heralded in the Brit Brit Cray Cray Years) and Robin continued his long-term relationship with his high school sweetheart Paula Patton. Of course, Robin’s reps are denying the story because we all know Robin would never, ever cheat on Paula Patton bla bla bla.

Hold on a second. 2003 Britney Spears was top-of-her-game, kissing-Madonna-in-a-wedding-dress, In The Zone Britney. There was no better Britney. But 2004 Britney Spears was Las Vegas-marriage, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, shitty-cover-of-My Perogative pregnant Britney. And now we know that between 2003 and 2004, Britney hooked up with Robin Thicke. Oh dear god…WHAT DID YOUR DICK DO TO BRITNEY SPEARS, ROBIN?!? I’ve heard of ‘Don’t stick your dick in crazy’, but this is more like ‘Don’t let a dick stick crazy in you’.

One good thing I can say about Robin Thicke is that, at the very least, he had some common sense; imagine if he’d picked 2003 Christina Aguilera instead? That’s a stank some men are still trying to scrub off to this day. Although, who am I kidding; Robin Thicke’s 2003 Fuck List probably includes Xtina, Michelle Branch, a Nokia 1100 cellphone, and all the backup dancers from André 3000’s music video for Hey Ya!

QOTD: Robin Thicke And Paula Patton Like To Do Each Other To His Songs

Because Alan Thicke’s son’s entire goal in life is to let you know every detail about his fuck life (future headline: Robin Thicke says the average weight of his cum loads is approximately 3.97 gallons), he told Elle (via People) something about his fuck life. We already know that Robin’s dick is bigger than his son’s (there’s not enough CAN’Ts in the world) and now he’s saying that his wife Paula Patton loves to bump wet parts to his songs. Robin says that their sex life is sometimes too spicy (ugh) and they love to role play and hump each other to his falsetto. When asked if they sex each other to his songs, he said:

“Yes. In fact, she likes to do it more than ever now. Sometimes she’ll even play groupie for me.”

You know, I think Robin’s answer got lost in translation. What he meant to say is: “She’ll pick out a groupie for me so she won’t have to fuck me to my own stupid songs.”

Robin wants us all to think that they’re so damn freaky and that they regularly have orgies on top of a giant, lubed-up screen playing his videos on a loop. But I wouldn’t be surprised if a hot night for them is sipping chamomile tea while watching CBS in their separate twin beds.

And Robin can keep trying, but we all know that Alan is the freakiest Thicke. I’m sure Alan loves to fuck to the Growing Pains theme song. Show me that smile again…

Here’s Robin and Paula with their kid at the pumpkin patch in West Hollywood yesterday.

Pics: Splash, NYDN