RPattz On Twihards: “What Do They Do All Day?”

Robert Pattinson’s either sniffing to find out if the scent of Rupert Sanders’ saliva is finally off of his finger or he’s wondering what the Twihards are doing right this second.

RPattz did an interview with the German edition of Interview Magazine about Dior Homme’s fragrance, which he’s the face of, and since you can only talk about cologne for so long, they asked him about his nickname and Twihards. RPattz has said before that nothing takes the sparkles out of his skin like hearing the nickname RPattz. He told Interview that he wants to choke out the “fat celebrity blogger” who came up with it. via HuffPo:

The “Twilight” star spoke to the German edition of Interview magazine as the new face of Dior’s Homme and had some choice words for one particular blogger.

“I’d like to strangle the guy who came up with it!” Pattinson said, reports InTouch. According to the magazine, the actor would only refer to the aforementioned guy as “some fat celebrity blogger.”

I’m only fat from my nipples to my knees, so my neck is safe. But now that RPattz says that the name RPattz makes him want to commit murder, I’ll never stop calling him RPattz RPattz RPattz RPattz RPattz.

Interview also asked him about the group of crazies known as Twihards who have helped to make him a trillionaire and he said that doesn’t really understand them:

“The real odd thing about this ‘Twilight’ target group is that they aren’t really teenagers. Most of them are older. ‘Twilight’ has its own parallel world, its own fan culture that has been forming on the net since day one. And in an intense way that has never existed before. Sometimes I ask myself what these masses of people do the whole day. They sit in front of their computers and comment on anything having even remotely to do with ‘Twilight.’ So it’s actually really exciting – at least up to point when I became part of that phenomenon.”

HAHAHAHAHA. But really, what does he mean he doesn’t know what they do all day? Is RPattz really acting like he doesn’t know that their day goes something like this:

8am – Roll out of the Twilight sleeping bag they cocooned themselves in.
8:02am – Smear body glitter all over their mouth with a Twidildo so it looks like they just gave Edward Cullen a morning beej.
8:20am – Make a breakfast shake with the trash they stole from RPattz’s garbage cans.
9:00am – Give themselves a sink bath, carefully making sure that they don’t wipe the spot on their hand where RPattz’s bodyguard once swatted them away when they tried to touch his face. RPattz must’ve touched his bodyguards hand at least once, so it’s like one degree of touch separation.
9:10am – Pray at their ROBSTENISUNBROKEN altar.
1pm – Leave ALL CAPS, RAGE-FILLED COMMENTS on every anti-Robsten post on every blog and on Twitter.
5pm – Continue to write the Twatlight fanfiction they plan to submit to Vintage Books.
5:15pm – Do a live performance of one of the Twatlight movies using their cats (both alive and taxidermy).
8pm – Wallpaper their bedroom ceiling with new paparazzi pics of KStew and RPattz.
9pm – Cry on their kitchen floor while eating spoonfuls of Bisquick powder out of the box.
10pm – Have a snuggle date with their Edward Cullen body pillow.

Doesn’t he know that?! I swear, how could RPattz mess with Nutty Madam’s emotions like this?

Oh, I forgot to add: 4:30pm – fake cry on YouTube about how much you miss Twatlight.

And here’s RPattz kissing on Mia Wasikowska while filming Cronenberg’s Map to the Stars in L.A.

Pics: FameFlynet, Wenn.com

FYI: Katy Perry Farts In Front Of Robert Pattinson

Katy Perry told Elle UK that you won’t find a drop of sparkle jizz stuck to her sugar walls because she’s never done it with RPattz. Katy Perry even texted Kristen Stewart to basically let that glum trick and eternal keeper of the air know that she’ll leave the disrespecting to KStew. In case you don’t believe that Katy Perry has never taken a ride on the sparkle rod, she has proof and the proof comes out of her ass. Katy told Elle UK (via Hollywood Life) that she’s butt burped out an invisible poop cloud in front of RPattz before and that means that they’re strictly friends.

“OK, so here’s the proof there was never anything going on with me and Robert Pattinson. I fart in front of him. Properly fart. And I never, ever fart in front of a man I am dating. That’s a rule. He’s my bud, I’m like his big sister. We just hang out. The other day, I said: ‘One of the things I’m most proud of is not sleeping with you, Robert.’ And that’s true.”

No ass queefing in front of boyfriends? The hell kind of dumb rule is that?

Don’t relationship experts always say that the key to a happy and healthy relationship is always being open and honest? Well, there’s nothing more open than opening up your b-hole to poof out a fart. Shouldn’t you always be honest with your feelings? A fart is your butt’s way of being honest with its feelings. Holding in a fart is almost like lying and the only thing worse than lying to your piece is holding in a fart. Can you really tell a boyfriend you love him if you’re not comfortable enough to fart on his dick when he pulls out too fast during butt sex? I don’t know the answer to most questions, but I definitely know the answer to that one.

What I’m saying is that Katy Perry needs new rules. And what you’re probably saying right now is that I need new rules. Point taken….and farted on.

The Time Katy Perry Texed Kristen Stewart To Say That She’s Not Doing RPattz

After Robert Pattinson made every delusional, crazed Twihard tattoo #ROBSTENISFOREVERUNBROKEN onto their hymens by breaking up with Kristen Stewart, he was seen hanging around Katy Perry and there was a rumor that he was drying his heartbroken tears on the Kleenexes that shoot out of her tits. (Yes, add “Kleenex” to the long list of things that shoot out of Katy Perry’s tits.) But Katy Perry tells Elle UK (via The Daily Mail) that she never tit hugged RPattz’s sparkle rod and she was just trying to be his friend. Katy Perry told Elle that she texted KStew to let a trick know and she also told Elle exactly what she texted to KStew, because NOTHING IS SACRED (not even a dumb text from Katy Perry to  KStew).

“I sent her a text message saying: ‘I know you’ve seen all this stuff but you know I would never disrespect you. I’m not that person. I’m just trying to be a friend to him but it is unfortunate that I do have a set of tits.'”

After KStew read that text, she bit her lip, wondered what Katy meant by “that person,” shrugged, threw her phone to the side, grabbed her married trick’s head and shoved it back into her snatch.

Katy also talked about singing yeast infection John Mayer and she kind of admitted that he dumped her ass.

“He pulled away. That was a big hello for me. I realised I could lose the person I loved and I had to deal with some things, issues I think a lot of women have. You can be strong in one aspect of your life but submissive in another.”

Oh, Katy…. When John Mayer pulls away, take that as a sign from the gods that they’re looking out for you, your coochie and your money since you’ll save a lot of cash on medical bills and topical ointments. Didn’t Katy Perry get the obvious hint from her chocha when John Mayer pulled away and it let out the biggest queef of relief?

And finally, Katy said this about RiRi:

“I love her and every time I see her, I’m reminded of the light that she has. There’s a lot of dark in this business. I know a lot of people out there with the most detrimental entourages – they are the root of their demise. It’s really unfortunate but you can’t save these people. My days of celebrity saving are over!”

I think what she meant by that is, every time she sees RiRi, that bitch is lit up. And speaking of lit up, some of you who live in L.A. aren’t reading this right now, because you were blinded after you made the mistake of looking out your window and staring at the blinding golden peen truck that announced the release date of Katy’s new album “Prism.” Or maybe this is Katy Perry’s way of letting us know that she’s been Edward Snowden the entire time.

Robert Pattinson Is Not Dating Elvis’ Granddaughter

Yesterday, The Daily Mail said that RPattz is smearing glitter grease all over the body of Lisa Marie Presley’s daughter Riley Keough (born name: Danielle Riley Keough) and that the news hurt Kristen Stewart, because she wants to be the one munching on Elvis’ granddaughter’s box instead of RPattz. Well, Riley’s rep tells Gossip Cop that The Daily Mail is telling lies. And I’m telling Riley’s rep that they’re telling lies because The Daily Mail never tells lies! But whatever…

Riley’s rep says that RPattz and Riley aren’t licking each other’s taints and that wasn’t her in the pictures of him driving around in his pick-up truck with a girl. They’re not dating.

The good news is that Twihards can stop making Riley Keough voodoo dolls and can spend their entire holiday weekend chanting ROBSTENISUNBROKEN while fapping with an Edward Cullen doll. The better news is that I finally had a reason to post this gorgeous cover of People Magazine of Lisa Marie with frosted hair and vampire brows.

Robert Pattinson Is Dating Elvis’ Granddaughter

After pictures of RPattz riding around in his pickup truck with Lisa Marie Presley’s daughter Riley Keough came out, her “close friend” told The Daily Mail that they have seen a little bit of liquid glitter trickling out of the side of her mouth and that’s because she’s sucked off the sparkle rod.

24-year-old Riley and 27-year-old RPattz first met a few years ago when she played Cherie Currie’s sister in The Runaways, which Kristen Stewart was in. They stayed friendly but didn’t start to really hang out (read: 69 until their parts go raw) until they ran into each other and some Dior event last month. RPattz is currently the face of Dior Homme and Riley used to be the face of Dior Cherie. The Daily Mail says that Riley, who was engaged to Alex Petmyfur at one point, “bears a striking resemble” to KStew. The Daily Mail is so right. If you scrubbed KStew down several times with industrial-strength Zep, changed her face, dyed her hair ginger and I looked at her without my contacts in, she’d totally look like Riley Keough.

The Daily Mail’s source says that Riley and RPattz have only been doing each other for a short time and it’s more of a casual thing than something long-term.

“They’re inseparable. Rob loves the fact that Riley is Elvis’s granddaughter – that’s true Rock’n’Roll royalty in his eyes. [Their relationship is] short-term lust right now rather than long-term love’. Riley was always Kristen’s friend dating back from their time filming The Runaways but recently Rob and Riley been spending much more time together since meeting through their Dior modeling connection and Riley has stayed over at Rob’s Los Feliz apartment. They have a lot in common- they both love LA, London, rock music and table tennis.”

Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart’s emotional scale went from “…. … drool…..” to “AAAAAAAAAHFUCKER” when she found out that Riley’s humping on RPattz. KStew has always felt like Riley’s mentor (???) and she feels violated by RPattz. KStew has every right to feel violated. Finding out that some chick you were in a movie with once is doing your ex-boyfriend is so much worse than finding out that your girlfriend got her coochie munched on by a married man in her Mini Cooper.

But whatever, we all know what’s really going on here. RPattz is obviously just using Riley to get closer to the purest rose of Graceland: PRISCILLA PRESLEY! 

He played a vampire in a bunch of dumb movies, she’s a vampire in real life. He can make a Twihard’s coochie explode just by winking and if she had the ability to move her eyelids, she could make a mere mortal’s soul explode just by winking. It’s meant to be.

ROBSTEN ARE BROKEN!!!!! For Now……

I’m typing this from a make-shift raft made out of a door, because all of the Twihards have flooded the world with their tears after finding out that ROBSTEN ARE BROKEN (For now)!!!!!! You’d think that all of the Twihards would’ve cried out all the water in their bodies when Kristen Stewart did dry butt sex with Rupert Sanders, but I guess they must’ve replenished their fluids since then, because they are crying like they’ve never cried before! People (aka Voice of the Publicist Weekly) has announced that RPattz is done with smearing his hobo cheese all over Kristen Stewart’s body for now. Just like KStew and RPattz, People’s article about this shit is kind of awkward and wishy washy:

As rumors of relationship trouble continue to swirl, a source tells PEOPLE that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have called it quits after more than three years of dating. Reps for the two could not be reached.

But the source says it would not be surprising if the on-and-off-again pair got back together again.

What I’m taking that to mean is that since the final Twatlight movie is already out on DVD, their contract is expired EXPIRED and they might renegotiate….. but she’s going to smoke a few bowls (or a few hundred bowls) and think about it. They’ll get back together whenever one of them has some shit to promote. But right now, the only thing I care about is Nutty Madam’s response to this shit:

Nutty Madam has either exploded and pieces of her are falling all over Britain right now or she’s hiding in the bushes in front of RPattz’s house and is ready to attack him now that he’s single.