QOTD: Kanye Takes A Page From Tommy Girl’s Book And Compares His Job To War

Last month, Tom Cruise compared his job to that of a soldier’s and got enough “fuck yous” to be able to have his custom lifts manufactured from them until Xenu returns. Skype Daddy Cruise must have taken a moment out of his very special relationship with Suri to reach out to Kanye West, because Radar says Bitchpleezus opened up his favorite hole and farted out his own version of the analogy.

“When I think about when I’m on the ‘Can’t Tell Me Nothing,’ and ‘Coldest Winter’ moment, like that mountain goes really, really high. And if I slipped… You never know. And I think about it. I think about my family and I’m like, wow, this is like being a police officer or something, or like a war or something. Like you’re literally going out to do your job every day you know, knowing something can happen to you… verbally from the press bashing you… you know, people not liking you anymore… you could actually slip on that stage.”

ACCURATE!!! Fighting in a war or spending your days on the streets chasing down crackheads is EXACTLY the same as the potential of a little whoopsiedoodle on stage! Inform the military that the Purple Heart is no longer for combat bravery- Kanye’s willingness to put himself on the line every day knowing he he could twist an ankle and leave Kimmy alone for an extra hour of selfie-taking while he runs to urgent care is the stuff heroes are made of.

I salute you, Mr. West and offer you this collaboratively architected medal of honor:

Here is a snippet of the interview where Kanye mentions war and goes on to say how he hopes his daughter will someday understand the hardships he and Kim have gone through. Bitch had better share his award with Kris Jenner because she built Kim from the toilet bowl up and it’s hard out there for a PMK! If you want to hear the entire interview, here is is, courtesy of SaturdayNightOnline.

(Pic: Splash)

QOTD: Brandi Glanville Says That Joanna Krupa Has A Stank Cooch Situation

During part 1 of The Real Housewives of Miami reunion on Monday night, Adriana de Moura, who looked like a Latin Endora, kept scratching at her rival Joanna Krupa and said that Brandi Glanville (of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) told her at an event that Joanna is a home wrecking whore who ruined the marriage of Yolanda Foster (another Real Housewife of Beverly Hills) and Mohamed Hadid (a super creepy real estate mogul who is all over Bravo’s shows). According to Adriana, Joanna’s affair with Mohamed is the reason why Yolanda divorced him. Joanna (or Ho-Anna as Adriana calls her) denied having a bull dozer vagina and denied boning Mohamed. Then right after the reunion, Brandi just so happened to be on Watch What Happens Live (via Radar) and of course this mess was brought up.

Brandi stood by her story and told Andy Cohen that as far as she knows, Joanna did hump on Mohamed while he was married to Yolanda. During the show, Andy got a note from a producer that Joanna just tweeted (and later deleted) to Brandi: “No wonder her husband left her.” Well, when you come for Brandi, she’s going to call you out and say that your twat smells like a Florida Red Lobster dumpster in the middle of August. Brandi queefed this out:

“Well, Mohamed did tell me that her pussy smelled. Just saying. It’s true. I’m not lying. And Lisa Vanderpump was there when he said it. Sorry, bitch. I win!”

And here’s the video of Brandi declaring to the world that Joanna needs vagina deodorant:

That clip right there. It’s like the new definition of feminism.

Lisa wouldn’t back Brandi’s story up on Twitter and Mohamed tweeted that he would never talk about private parts and called Brandi scum with a foul mouth.

And you know that shit-stirring shifty Siamese Cat Andy Cohen is going to milk every last drop out of this. He’s going to bring Joanna, Brandi and professional cooch-sniffer Khloe Kardashian on Watch What Happens Live. Then he’s going to make Khloe sniff on Joanna’s chocha and Brandi’s chocha. Whichever chocha makes Khloe howl at the moon, slobber and chomp at the bits will be declared the loser.

And here’s Joanna in a totally natural and not-at-all staged bikini photo-op in her waterfront backyard in Miami. Now I’m not saying that Brandi is telling the truth, but the paps did say that after these pictures were taken, that dog tore its nose off with its paws before throwing itself in the water.

Pics: Splash

QOTD: Jon Gosselin Thinks His Kids Have Developmental Problems

Let’s do some math. What do you get when you add one dumb motherfucker to another dumb motherfucker? In the case of Jon and Kate Gosselin, the answer is eight kids who will need therapy thanks to their parents’ collective assholery.

Jon stopped waiting tables and playing target practice with paps at his cabin in the woods long enough to appear on Oprah’s “Where Are They Now”, and USWeekly says he spoke about the effects that being on TV had on his kids.

“I saw my kids not growing up normally, like I grew up, and having community,” he confessed. “Yes, they got to travel the world, and yes, they got these fabulous things, and yes, they have trust funds, and they’re taken care of educationally. Great,” he continued. “But developmentally, they have problems with their peers, and they have problems with talking to other people, and they have problems with wants and needs and manners and morals and what’s right and what’s wrong. I think more so than someone who grows up off TV.”

I can’t with this assbasket. Of course it was entirely the show’s fault! There aren’t multiple documented examples of Kate being a shrewd, heartless bitch or Jon riding the douche train to the Ed Hardy platform of Sit the Fuck Down Station. Nobody should be surprised the kids don’t know how to appropriately communicate- look at what happens when they try. They could have been raised by a pack of dingoes in the Australian Outback and had a better shot at being developmentally well-adjusted.

I hope those kids grow up to embrace this motto:

(Pic via Wenn.com)

QOTD: The River Of Delusion That Runs Through Kanye West’s Head Just Turned Into A Tsunami

Just when I’m starting to think that there’s no way that Kanye West can’t troll harder and has re-defined the definition of sofuckingdelusion for the last time, he spits out this ass nugget of delusion on On Air with Ryan Seacrest:

“There’s no way Kim Kardashian shouldn’t be on the cover of Vogue. She’s like the most intriguing woman right now. She’s got Barbara Walters calling her like everyday. And collectively, we’re the most influential with clothing. No one is looking at what [Barack Obama] is wearing. Michelle Obama cannot Instagram a [bikini] pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day.”

Somebody back up one million dump trucks full of MichelleObamaSideEyes.GIFs in front of Kanye and drop them all on his ass. I’d say that Pimp Mama Kris probably opened up Kanye’s asshole, crawled up in there, took over his body and said that insane mess of words to Ryan Seacrest, but Kanye is messy  enough to say that shit. I’m pretty sure that what he said is the only thing needed for a psychiatrist to diagnose him as a new kind of crazy and qualifies him for a lifetime 5150 hold. That’s on page 1 of the Obamacare handbook, I think.

via E!

QOTD: Robin Thicke And Paula Patton Like To Do Each Other To His Songs

Because Alan Thicke’s son’s entire goal in life is to let you know every detail about his fuck life (future headline: Robin Thicke says the average weight of his cum loads is approximately 3.97 gallons), he told Elle (via People) something about his fuck life. We already know that Robin’s dick is bigger than his son’s (there’s not enough CAN’Ts in the world) and now he’s saying that his wife Paula Patton loves to bump wet parts to his songs. Robin says that their sex life is sometimes too spicy (ugh) and they love to role play and hump each other to his falsetto. When asked if they sex each other to his songs, he said:

“Yes. In fact, she likes to do it more than ever now. Sometimes she’ll even play groupie for me.”

You know, I think Robin’s answer got lost in translation. What he meant to say is: “She’ll pick out a groupie for me so she won’t have to fuck me to my own stupid songs.”

Robin wants us all to think that they’re so damn freaky and that they regularly have orgies on top of a giant, lubed-up screen playing his videos on a loop. But I wouldn’t be surprised if a hot night for them is sipping chamomile tea while watching CBS in their separate twin beds.

And Robin can keep trying, but we all know that Alan is the freakiest Thicke. I’m sure Alan loves to fuck to the Growing Pains theme song. Show me that smile again…

Here’s Robin and Paula with their kid at the pumpkin patch in West Hollywood yesterday.

Pics: Splash, NYDN

QOTD: The Time Ke$ha Electrocuted Her Twat With Power Tools

That headline was probably enough for you to close your laptop and put on a pair of rubber panties so your genital parts never ever ever know what it feels like to be strapped into an electric chair. Unless, you’re into zapping your fuck parts. Sick fuck! Anyway, the Garbage Pail Skank was on Conan last night and he brought up a part in her show where she rubs a power tool against a metal belt on her crotch to make sparks. Ke$hit told him about the time shit went too far and she turned her poon lips into electrocuted Homer.

“Then at this one show, I was doing that and all of a sudden I started getting electrocuted while I was grinding on my vagina and it was super scary and intense and I was like aaaaaaeeeeaaaah. I think everyone thought I was partying.”

On a positive note, that has to be the least traumatizing thing that Ke$ha has done to her cooch.

via HuffPo