Category: Poop
Alicia Silverstone Talked About Her Kid’s Turds
Alicia Silverstone has a real boner for vegetables. And she’s passing those values on to her kid. While promoting her organic, herbal, vegan vitaminerals line, Alicia secured at least three additional years of therapy for her son Bear Blu by telling the world all about his burgeoning scat fetish. Alicia says that Blu knows that when he eats his vegetables, he “poops well” and that he’s very in tune with his turds.
Watch Where You Shit Around Lewis Hamilton
Scatologically speaking, it’s maybe not the best idea to take your cues from Terrence “Baby Wipes” Howard. If you’ve got weird poop hangups, keep it to yourself! Sadly for Formula One racer Lewis Hamilton, the word is out about his poop proclivities.
Goop’s Latest Dubious Endorsement: A $135 At-Home Coffee Enema Kit
Every thinking person knows that the best way to start off the year is by squirting a quart of coffee up your anus. Good morning! That’s the Goop way and it’s the right way. Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop sent out its Beauty and Wellness Detox Guide and, according to The Huffington Post, it features a do-it-yourself coffee enema product. It’s called the, I kid you not, Implant O’Rama and is a steal at only $135 USD. Which is indeed a bargain considering she’s also hawking a $4,000 personal Sauna and a 1.7oz jar (about 3 tablespoons) of exfoliating facial mask that you are supposed to use three times a week but that Goop assures “GP uses daily” for $125.
Patrick Stewart Is Voicing The Poop Emoji In “The Emoji Movie”
Patrick Stewart has the kind of very serious British voice that was made for narrating a documentary about tuberculosis or recording an outgoing voicemail message for The Queen. But apparently some people hear Patrick Stewart’s voice and think it would sound perfect coming out of the mouth of an animated smiling turd, which brings us to where we are now.
The Hollywood Reporter says that Patrick Stewart has joined the cast of The Emoji Movie, the movie about emojis. Sir Patrick will voice the poop emoji. His character’s name is simply Poop. The casting was announced earlier today during a presentation by Sony Pictures Animation. They also announced several other casting additions that make a little more sense than Sir Patrick Stewart. Joining T.J. Miller as an emoji named Gene and a code breaker played by Ilana Glazer will be Maya Rudolph, Jake T. Austin, James Corden, and Jennifer Coolidge.
For those of you who reading this news and picturing a movie about scat-curious emojis, Tony Leondis (the director of The Emoji Movie) explained what the plot of the movie is.
“I know what you’re thinking – WTF. What is their story? Emoji are expected to be one thing their whole lives. So I thought, what if one was born with not one, but lots of expressions…and how would that affect the status quo? Everyone has felt different – it’s everyone’s story.”
Having the poop voiced by Patrick Stewart kind of works for me; who wouldn’t want their BMs to sound all respectable and dignified. But since they’re going lowbrow with a poop emoji character, I really hope they also wrote in an eggplant emoji. And I also hope it’s voiced by The Game, because who else?
Pic: Splash
A Reporter Was Fired For Shitting On A Front Lawn While On The Job
I’m sure your first reaction after seeing the words “shit” and “front lawn” was to assume that this happened in Florida, but no, this actually happened in Arizona. I’m pretty sure if this happened in Florida, it would be accompanied by the words “…and then a methed-up gator slipped on it.”
The poo gone wrong story begins with a 33-year-old reporter for local news station KPHO named Jonathan Lowe. Jonathan was covering a story in Goodyear, Arizona on Monday when all of a sudden, his brain received a message from his colon informing him that here was a dump in his butt than needed to come out. Around 3:30pm, a witness claims she saw a man exit the KPHO news van, pick up several papers from the street, casually stroll over to a neighbor’s front lawn, pull down his pants, and proceed to let out a freshly baked booty cake. I wonder if before he did it, he announced “Jonathan Lowe here with some late breaking poos” in his reporter voice?
Once the witness realized what was happening, she called the police. She also didn’t have any trouble ID’ing the alleged poopetrator; the witness recognized that it was the same Jonathan Lowe from television.
According to a police report obtained and published by Jonathan’s now-former employer KPHO, Jonathan greeted the cops when they arrived on the scene and told them he knew what they were there about. Jonathan explained to the cops that the reason why he “took care of business” on someone’s front lawn was because he had been feeling sick and was stuck in the van all day. Sadly, Jonathan’s turds didn’t have to be public; a neighbor told police that if he had knocked on her door, she would have let him use her bathroom.
Jonathan was arrested and charged with public defecation. He was later released with a citation. No word on what happened to the dookie, but I hope other news stations had the decency to blur it out when the inevitable media circus arrived to cover the story. That poor doo doo didn’t ask for all this attention.
Pretentious Food You Can’t Afford, Take 2
Well, look who’s dropping a deuce new cook book on April 2nd! It should be on April 1st since you would have to be an April Fool to buy this shit. It’s Goopy McPoopy, aka Gwyneth Paltrow, once again hammering us commoners in the head with the fact that we’ll never be as good, beautiful, or fabulous as she is. In her new book called It’s All Good, or formally It’s All Good: Delicious, Easy Recipes That Will Make You Look Good and Feel Great (but not as great as me, ever, fucking plebes), Gwyneth condescends to give her recipes for things like Hummus Tartine with Scallion-Mint Pesto, Salmon Burgers with Pickled Ginger, and Freshly Clubbed Antarctic Baby Seal with Roasted Organic White Truffle and Crushed Blood Diamond Sauce. Maybe I made that last one up.
None of that shit sounds easy to me, so this has me thinking that I should come out with my own cookbook. Something like A Lazy Hor’s Guide To The Kitchen, featuring recipes for Beefaroni, Hamburger Helper, Easy Mac, Microwave TV Dinners and Pizza Hut. Step 1: open can. Step 2: heat and eat! Bonus: my recipes won’t leave you terrified to step away from the toilet for hours on end (in fact they often have the opposite effect), and even my broke ass can afford it. You’re welcome!
You can read more about her book on Amazon and how these recipes are a product of some sadistic ass doctor’s recommendation that she go on an elimination diet featuring no coffee, no alcohol, no sugar…okay, just stop right there. I thought this food was supposed to make me feel GOOD, not depressed.