My Thoughts Exactly, Shiloh

I don’t know why Shiloh is making a level 3 “over it” face. Maybe she just watched her daddy’s Chanel No. 5 commercial and is too embarrassed for words. Maybe she CAN’T with her mom once again wearing condom shoes that make St. Angie’s feet look even more like lizard hooves made of stretched foreskin. Maybe she wants to be Fred from Scooby Doo (homegirl does have the hair for it) and the cheap ass Halloween store in Sherman Oaks didn’t have that costume. Maybe one of the paps is wearing CROCs. Who knows, but I’m all for Shiloh’s grouch face, because I’m all for looking like you’re over it at ALL TIMES. Whenever you can make a bitchface, make one.

In fact, I’m making a bitchface right now over Vivienne’s costume. Just because Vivienne is a movie star now, doesn’t mean she can go around stealing other people’s costume. I was going to wear a droopy, sedated, half-dead pink unicorn apron for Halloween and now I can’t, because Vivienne already beat me to it. Damn you, chosen one. Damn you.

For Just $425, You Can Cleanse Your Colon The GOOP Way

GOOP is back with its first newsletter of the year and since Fishsticks Paltrow is obsessed with POOP, it’s all about how you can reverse fuck your asshole raw by shitting out your insides while completely screwing over your checking account.

Back in 2009, GOOP featured a cleanse by a company called Clean and the power of Fishsticks caused it to sell out immediately. So she’s slapped the GOOP name on her favorite poop pusher and is selling it for the price of a bottle of genuine Tibetan monk tears. (You know, that’s the stuff she gargles with to keep the crap that comes out of her mouth from burning her vocal cords.) With the help of her cleanse doctor (yes, this bitch has a cleanse doctor), Dr. Junger, Fishy put together the perfect detox that will make you feel as empty inside as her. Let Dr. Junger break it down for you:

“The basic premise of this cleanse is that by creating the right conditions, our bodies will begin to reset themselves naturally. How? By adding in nutritionally-beneficial foods and supplements, and removing the major toxins in our diet (inflammatory and processed foods).”

“Unlike most cleanses, the goop cleanse by Clean is designed to deliver results right now, while also inspiring long-term health changes. The cleanse will help give your digestive system a break and also improve energy levels by bringing in high-quality vitamins and nutrients. Best of all, because you’ll be eating during this program, you won’t be left feeling hungry or tired which is typical of most cleanses.”

If you look at the 6 steps above, the GOOP CLEANSE (which sounds like the name of a swamp water enema) is very easy to do. You wake up, put your hair in a ponytail, drink an overpriced shake, down a handful of overpriced vitamins, change your clothes, eat salad in your friend’s backyard, change your clothes again, check your email while drinking another overpriced shake, change your clothes for the fourth time, light a fire and then sit back with a mug full of your own tears. The light a fire part is very important. Because when you sit back and realize that you’ve just spent over four hundred damn dollars on some bullshit, you’ll want to throw yourself into an open flame to end your GOOP misery (goopery?).

Meet Shax

I can’t believe I’m blogging about a child (read: slow news day), but this story was so cute I couldn’t resist. Borrowing from a story that Celebitchy borrowed from In Touch Weekly, the rumor is that Shiloh Jolie-Pitt wants to change her name to “Shax” to be more like her brothers who all have the cool X end to their names. Between her Montenegro style and this latest revelation, I think it’s safe to say that Shiloh is not much of a girly-girl.

Quoted from In Touch: “What’s in a name? A lot, if you’re 5-year-old Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. The famous tomboy – who prefers to play rough with her older brothers than play dolls with her sisters – has taken her gamine ways to new extremes, asking her parents, Brad Pitt and Angelina, to call her Shax.

Why Shax? She wants to be just like her brothers, Maddox, Pax and Knox, whose names all end in the letter “X”. A childhood friend of Shiloh’s mom isn’t one bit surprised.

“Angelina was also a tomboy,” the friend tells In Touch. “She changed her name to Vince when she was the same age.”

Vince? Okay I’m just going to choke that down and focus on Shiloh here since she’s much more interesting. I can relate to her, since I had three brothers, and I would rather climb a tree than dress up my Barbie, although I did enjoy undressing her and Ken and forcing them to do unspeakable things in the Barbie van. Memories. Anyway, I turned out fine (SHUT IT) and I’m sure little Shax will too. Even if her new name means broken down ghetto ass houses, like the one I live in. Get your tomboy on Shax Pitt-Jolie!