Every thinking person knows that the best way to start off the year is by squirting a quart of coffee up your anus. Good morning! That’s the Goop way and it’s the right way. Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop sent out its Beauty and Wellness Detox Guide and, according to The Huffington Post, it features a do-it-yourself coffee enema product. It’s called the, I kid you not, Implant O’Rama and is a steal at only $135 USD. Which is indeed a bargain considering she’s also hawking a $4,000 personal Sauna and a 1.7oz jar (about 3 tablespoons) of exfoliating facial mask that you are supposed to use three times a week but that Goop assures “GP uses daily” for $125.
This is what it looks like:
— Jennifer Gunter (@DrJenGunter) January 5, 2018
I know a coffee enema sounds like a good time at the movies, but is it safe? HuffPo reports:
According to a letter published in The American Journal of Gastroenterology, there have been at least three cases of proctocolitis (a gastrointestinal syndrome) occurring in relation to coffee enemas. There have also been multiple deaths related to coffee enemas, and at least one individual suffered rectal burns because the water used was too hot. Overusing enemas can alter the body’s natural chemistry, interfering with normal functioning of the heart and other vital organs, according to the National Cancer Institute.
Anybody who gets a rectal burn from not following instructions while doing a coffee enema doesn’t deserve a rectum. HuffPo also reports that these type of detoxifying enemas don’t actually do shit (unintentional but it stays).
Proponents of coffee enemas believe the procedure can help drain toxic bile from the gut and help the liver’s filtering system, but there isn’t much evidence supporting the benefits or healing abilities of coffee enemas, or colon-cleansing procedures in general.
Here’s my suggestion: Subscribe to my newsletter Poop and I’ll give you detailed instructions on how to do an effective AND SAFE coffee enema. Brew three cups of your favorite sippin’ joe. Enjoy them at your leisure. After a few minutes you should feel a gentle bubbling of the guts. Don’t panic, this is normal. You may experience a period of calm following this but don’t be fooled, it’s temporary. Please do not leave your home or get into your car in traffic. You should next expect a sudden pounding on your back door. Stay the course, you’re almost there. Start to remove your pants now! Run! Now! Run to the nearest toilet, a spectacular ass-alanche awaits! Poop is free of charge so it’s easy on the wallet and the anus.