Category: Paula Patton
Robin Thicke Tried To Save His Marriage To Paula Patton
We all tipped over with SHOCK! yesterday when Paula Patton announced that she’s totally done with licking up random snatch juices off of Robin Thicke’s lips when she kisses him hello. I figured that when Paula Patton told Alan Thicke’s son that she’s done with his ass, he temporarily took his mouth of off his side piece’s snatch, shrugged and put his mouth back down. But a source tells TMZ that Robin canceled a show and flew his ass from Atlanta to Canada to get Paula to change her mind. It’s kind of impressive how “a source” (aka Robin’s publicist) found time to talk to TMZ in between dropping piles of cash into all of his side piece’s lap so they won’t run off and sell their stories to Life & Style.
The sources tell TMZ that after fighting all the time, Paula told Robin on Friday that she wanted to Give It 2 Him and by “it” she meant a separation. Paula’s in Vancouver shooting a movie and Robin was so desperate to change her mind that he canceled his concert in Atlanta and ran his ass over to her to beg her to stay. After talking it out, Robin realized that Paula was as stuck on breaking up with him as his finger was stuck up that slutty raccoon’s ass. Robin gave in. That made Paula sad and it made Robin sad and as they both made a frowny face, his dick made a happy face, because it knew that the games were only just beginning.
Well, you could say that this is Robin’s not-so-subtle way of trying to make himself look like a loving and caring husband who tried to make his marriage work instead of taking a Crisco shower before throwing his body on a pile of naked groupies.
But these two messes have been together for 20 years since they were 14 and 16. I can’t imagine still being with my little ass boyfriend. I got my first ~real~ boyfriend when I had just turned 18 and if I was still with him today, our relationship would make Paula and Robin’s relationship look like the true definition of healthy and functional. I mean, I troll his Facebook page from time to time and he has liked both Lands’ End and CROCs (I’m not making this up). If I had to go out with my boyfriend while he was wearing a blue fleece pullover and matching CROCs, I’d have to inhale all the coke and dick to deal.
Hide Yo Vaginas! Robin Thicke Is Single Again!
You might’ve been standing outside today and noticed that a slutty-looking, Drakkar Noir-smelling tornado was humping every piece in its path. Oh, it was just Robin Thicke celebrating the end of his marriage by fucking everything he can. No pussy will be left un-fucked by Robin’s slutty ass. Paula Patton said in a statement to People that after being together since they were teenagers, they are pressing the stop button on their marriage.
“We will always love each other and be best friends, however, we have mutually decided to separate at this time,” the singer and the actress told PEOPLE on Monday in an exclusive statement.
The pair, who first met when Thicke was 14, have been married since 2005 and welcomed son Julian Fuego Thicke in April 2010.
Just like a trick who looks down and sees a rash on her coochie after boning Robin Thicke, we all saw this coming.
Well, I’m guessing that Paula realized that the whole “open” thing wasn’t really working out, because Robin was opening his fly to every trick and ho but her. And she woke up from whatever waking coma she was in and realized that she’s married to the “Blurred Lines” douche. And yes, we should all blame this on Miley.
Paula Patton Wore A Giant White Vagina Last Night…
…Because it’s the only way to keep Robin Thicke interested.
Paula Patton, or as groupies and Vegas cocktail waitresses know her – “Robin’s Bottom Bitch”, arrived at the Golden Globes last night looking like an older woman was about to take her aside and discuss that not-so-fresh feeling (which is ironic, seeing as she has the world’s biggest douche at home). Dressing up like a pussy is some Elmer Fudd shit: Paula probably put it on thinking “I’ll catch that wascally Wobin”, then Robin pops up from the ground all nonchalant with two strippers, munching on a carrot (and by ‘carrot’ I mean ‘carrot’, you perverts) saying “Nice try, Doc” before descending back down the hole (and this time,’hole’ means…you get where I’m going here).
The dress itself isn’t so bad, it’s just that damn chiffon pussy (Chiffon Pussy – New Jersey’s Classiest Bridal-Themed Gentleman’s Club) hanging off the left side; it makes it look like a challenge from a lost X-rated episode of Project Runway. “Contestants, this week you will be required to create a dress for Paula Patton. Your challenge: to take one of the bedsheets from Robin’s tour bus, shake out all the random pubes and blonde hair extensions, and create a dress that makes Paula look like a messy loose pussy. Bonus points if you’re able to treat the full-body rash she’ll surely receive from wearing one of her husband’s used bedsheets.”
(Pics via Splash, FameFlynet)
QOTD: Robin Thicke And Paula Patton Like To Do Each Other To His Songs
Because Alan Thicke’s son’s entire goal in life is to let you know every detail about his fuck life (future headline: Robin Thicke says the average weight of his cum loads is approximately 3.97 gallons), he told Elle (via People) something about his fuck life. We already know that Robin’s dick is bigger than his son’s (there’s not enough CAN’Ts in the world) and now he’s saying that his wife Paula Patton loves to bump wet parts to his songs. Robin says that their sex life is sometimes too spicy (ugh) and they love to role play and hump each other to his falsetto. When asked if they sex each other to his songs, he said:
“Yes. In fact, she likes to do it more than ever now. Sometimes she’ll even play groupie for me.”
You know, I think Robin’s answer got lost in translation. What he meant to say is: “She’ll pick out a groupie for me so she won’t have to fuck me to my own stupid songs.”
Robin wants us all to think that they’re so damn freaky and that they regularly have orgies on top of a giant, lubed-up screen playing his videos on a loop. But I wouldn’t be surprised if a hot night for them is sipping chamomile tea while watching CBS in their separate twin beds.
And Robin can keep trying, but we all know that Alan is the freakiest Thicke. I’m sure Alan loves to fuck to the Growing Pains theme song. Show me that smile again…
Here’s Robin and Paula with their kid at the pumpkin patch in West Hollywood yesterday.
Paula Patton Wants You To Know That Her Husband Has A Big Dick
In his song with Kendrick Lamar “Give It 2 U,” Robin Thicke brags that he’s got a thick dick for you and in his video for “Blurred Lines,” a blonde model dances in front of a silver balloon sign that reads, “Robin Thicke Has A Big Dick.” That slut is subtle. Basically, Robin Thicke wants you to think that when he goes to a glory hole, he brings a hand saw with him to make the hole big enough to fit his triple X crotch salchicha and his peen is so large that it can shaftslam the Hammaconda without straining one vein. So because Robin Thicke is always bragging about how he has to sew together three Magnums to make a rubber that’s big enough for his obese dick, Glamour Magazine asked his wife Paula Patton if his his peen is as thick as his head:
GLAMOUR: You guys still seem very passionate. He did say in an interview that he turned you into a bad girl.
PAULA PATTON: He ruined me! Gosh, I hope I’m still a good girl and a bad girl at the same time. And I think that every girl should know the bad girl inside her—and that doesn’t make her bad, you know.
GLAMOUR: So in the “Blurred Lines” video, there’s that balloon message—“Robin Thicke has a big d-ck”…
PAULA PATTON: It’s cool, it’s funny, it’s awesome!
GLAMOUR: Yes, it’s definitely all of those things. But we have to ask: Is it accurate?
PAULA PATTON: Robin’s like, “Listen, if I’m, you know, in the Miami Heat’s locker room, I don’t know where I stand, but.…” But I think that the statement is fairly accurate!
So if he was in the Miami Heat locker room, size-wise, his dick would fall somewhere between a wordlock combination lock and a Sparkletts water jug. Okay. You know, I can’t believe I’m typing this and it hurts me as a shameless slut to type this, but I’m kind of sick of hearing about Robin Thicke’s gigantic peen. The words “Robin Thicke has a big dick” are meaningless without a Hi Res picture. It’s kind of like if you told me, “Michael, my kitten is so gorgeous,” without showing me a picture. For all I know, your kitten could be uglier than a pile of Crocs. So yeah, show it or shut it, Robin.
Robin Thicke’s dick is kind of like Miley’s tongue: I’m tired of it. Robin Thicke’s dick is also like Miley’s tongue, because if you want to lick it, you’d probably have to scrape layers of slimy ICK NAST off of it before doing so.
Robin Thicke And Paula Patton Slobber On About Each Other In Prestige Magazine
It was nice of Prestige Magazine to erase the party girl ass that Robin Thicke had his right hand on.
Party girl type Lana Scolario told Life & Style that Robin Thicke wanted to bone the ten layers of eyeliner off of her face while his wife gave a thumbs up in the corner. One way for Robin Thicke and Paula Patton to respond to that is by kissing on each other at a party for his album in NYC. They did that last night. Another way to show the world that they’re the happiest married couple of all time is to fart up words of love about each other in a magazine. They did that too. In the new issue of Hong Kong’s Prestige Magazine, which came out today, Paula and Robin gushed about each other until they couldn’t gush anymore:
Robin on Paula: “I don’t know if I would still be alive in some ways if it wasn’t for Paula. She’s been my rock, my muse, my inspiration and I love her. The whole way.”
Paula on Robin: “I’ve been there for his down moments and he’s been there for mine. Life is full of peaks and valleys. Robin has always been a great person to remind me to celebrate now. Even when it looks like I’ve got a role but don’t know for sure, he’s like, ‘Let’s celebrate!'”
Paula on spending their down time together: “We watch movies. Just sit and contemplate – we have a house with a bit of a view. Listening to music. Talking about what’s going on in our lives. We’re best friends. We laugh a lot. But that’s our down time. We do the things you’re supposed to do, like work out – blah, blah, blah, boring, boring. We love to travel together and travel with our child. Get out of the house. Because our house is a mad house. We don’t have normal jobs. So it’s always a work house. Robin makes music at home and my job when I’m not on set always brings people into our home.”
Let me fix that for your Paula. “We watch porn. Hos just sit on Robin and then he cums on my tits. Our house is a slut house. Robin does hos at home and when I’m not on set I always bring new hos into our home.”
Because of the PDA show last night and this interview coming out today, it feels like Paula and Robin are doing damage control and I don’t know why. They don’t need to. So they’re okay with each other boning side tricks. If they have an open marriage, they aren’t the first hos to have an open marriage and they won’t be the last. I have a friend of a friend who has an open relationship with his dude and he says it’s the reason why their relationship is so perfect. It works for them, but I don’t know how. I mean, they have so many rules. They can’t hump a trick in their bed. The trick can’t spend the night. The trick can only use the second bathroom and not their bathroom. The trick has to be told that he can’t show up to their house whenever he wants. The trick can’t call, can only text. If they see the trick out in public, they can’t hug the trick. And on and on and on….
If I was their trick, I’d go home to fap and eat ice cream as soon as they told me rule #2. Too much work. So many rules and instructions. Are we fucking or are we building an Ikea bookcase?
And all this Robin Thicke and Paula Patton open marriage talks makes me wish that there was a very special episode of Growing Pains where Dr. Seaver and Maggie become swingers.