ASkars Likes It Raw

You have been wasting your time if you regularly dive into dumpsters outside of the True Blood set hoping to find the loose-fitting cotton condom ASkars puts around his peen during fake fuck scenes. Erase “Slap my snatch with ASkars’ used dick sock (or a ‘sewn at one end leg warmer’ if my dreams are right) ” from your cum bucket list, because it’s never ever going to happen.

ASkars tells Rolling Stone (via UsWeekly) that while Sookeh wears a punane patch and Beeehl also uses a genital cover, he prefers to go bare.

ASkars put his lips to all of our ears and whispered, “I don’t want a sock around it, that feels ridiculous. If we’re naked in the scene, then I’m naked. I’ve always been that way.”

Or he could’ve just said, “I’m Swedish!” Whoever gets to sit in the True Blood editing room must have done some noble shit in a past life. Imagine getting paid to stare at ASkars’ rolled-up Swedish pancake all day? Hmm. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go sign up for film editing classes at the Learning Annex.

Chonies In Church

Usually when you see a hairless thing running around a church in nothing but a pair of chonies and socks, you don’t expect it to be a 35-year-old grown man! But here’s reformed prostitute Russell Brand popping his birthing hips and flashing his dime nipples outside of St. George’s Church in NYC yesterday. The CDC’s former #1 Most Wanted got down to his Boo Berry panties to shoot scenes for the Arthur remake.

Somewhere up in a computer lab in heaven, God is on Google trying to find out if holy water gets rid of scabies. This house is NOT clean.

Prince Hot Ginge Goes Down

This is exactly why the camera was invented. Since I’m on house arrest by order of the British Secret Service and can’t even pop a nipple out of my window without getting bangers and mash thrown at me, I am solely relying on pictures to document Prince Hot Ginge’s visit to NYC. Today is his final day and he went out with a boom and bang (which is the same sound no-nos make when thinking of PHG) at the Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic on Governors Island. PHG’s horse just couldn’t take the heat radiating off his fire pit, so it knocked him off and he ended up with his taint staring. It’s like the sexy ginge version of the Care Bear Stare! I am totally going to have a body pillow made out of that picture.

You can exhale now, because PHG didn’t get hurt. He laughed it off and continued with the game. But you know what I’m most concerned about? Are those people standing in the front even real-life humans who feel actual emotion? Why are they just standing there with plastered smiles on their faces while PHG is flying through the air? I mean, anybody with working genitals would’ve ripped their chonies off and thrown themselves on the grass to break PHG’s fall!

Yes, PHG falling on your body could break your ribs and burst several of your organs. But there’s also a good chance that PHG would roll over, see your nekkid ass, think to himself “sure, why not” and then give you a little bit of his ginger glaze. And none of those unfeeling bitches in the front took that chance? You know their genitals are frowning up at them. I know mine are.

Here’s more pictures of Prince Hot Ginge riding and tumbling today, along with a few pictures of him at the The Achilles Hope And Possibility Race this morning. Apparently, PHG is flying back to Britain tonight. If you happen to be at the airport when PHG takes off tonight and notice a crazed gay clinging to the wheel of his plane, just drop your eyes while walking to the exit.

And The Twihards Explode….

Thousands of Twitwards of all ages are soothing their sore and raw vaginas with ice packs this morning, because they simultaneously lost their virginity at last night’s Twilight: Eclipse premiere in Los Angeles. Pussies got the seizures like they were being zapped with a taser. I bet the ground outside of the Nokia Theater looks like it’s covered in popped and melted chocolate covered cherries. Don’t let a memaw near that place, because that is not real chocolate covered cherry goo.

Some Twitards even camped out for days just to get a tiny piece of RPattz and Taylor Lautner. And even though RPattz showed up dressed like a car valet at a Ron Burgundy-themed restaurant, bitches still blew the chocha crema all over the place. I mean, look at that Twihard in the picture above. Bitch just can’t help but pretend to give head to an imaginary sparkle peen while in the presence of her wet dream co-star! Give all those bitches the Q-Tip. You can dip it in glitter first if that’s how they want it.

Here’s more pictures from last night’s panty pudding explosion. In order: RPattz, Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart (looking like she was on the wet end of a Tastykake Snowball bukkake), AnnaLynne McCord, Kellan Lutz, Dakota Fanning, Ashley Greene and Nikki Reed (in something she snatched from Johnny Weir’s reject pile).

Needs More Orange Grease

Using about half as much wax as Cristiano Ronaldo puts in his hair on a daily basis, the artists at Madame Tussauds created a wax figure of him (on the left) which is now hanging out at their place in London. They almost got it right, but they need to slather that shit in about 5 layers of pizza grease and then lube him up like a 9″ inch dick going into a virgin’s ass before they can call it a day.

And Wax Cristiano is a little bloated in the face, but that is actually pretty accurate. When the real Cristiano goes a full day without plucking at least one eyebrow follicle, he bloats the fuck up just like that. It’s an allergic reaction.

Still Waxing Those Nipples

With all the half-nekkid celebwhores running around during Memorial Day Weekend, I was hoping we’d get a little Silver Fox nipple in our lives, or maybe a peek of Carrot Top’s root. But I don’t think that’s going to happen, so we’ll have to settle for mercury poison survivor Jeremy Piven and his tear-away titties for now.

You know, there’s a good reason for why Jeremy Piven asks his butt waxer to do his whole body. Where do you think that beaver’s ass (copyright: Sister Patterson) comes from? It not only looks like nipple pubes and nalgas fur, it IS nipple pubes and nalgas fur.

And yeah, I still would…