Do You Hear The Fangirls Cream?

Broadway World says that the virgin moppet known as Nick Jonas will join the cast of Les Miserables in London for three weeks starting next month. And no, Nick is not playing that creepy singing boy urchin who reeks of dead bodies and burnt toe nails. No, Nick played that role when he was a kid. Instead he will play the part of the rebel student Marius. If you have no idea what I’m going on about, just mutter “gay” to yourself and go on to the next exhibit.

Cameron Mackintosh, the producer of Les Miz, had this to say about Nick joining the cast, “I went up to him at the closing night party in New York and told him he was terrific and hoped that one day he would return to play Marius. We’ve been in touch a lot and, of course, since then he has become this world-famous star. He and his father and I agreed that it would be great if he came and played Marius here in London.”

That show is going to be a mess. And not only because fragile Nick is going to accidentally pre-cum every time he feels the vibrations from the moving turntable stage. No, it’s going to be a mess because every crazed Jonas fangirl is going to act the fool in the audience. Screaming and creaming and shit. While you’re trying to fill your soul with heartfelt song (that is the gayest thing I’ve ever typed and that’s saying a lot), do you also want to fill your nostrils with the scent of cooch curd? The poor bitch who always sat next to me in high school during Anderson Cooper’s Channel One news show knows what I’m talking about.

All Lubed Up And Nowhere To Go

Here’s Marc Jacobs looking like a greasy pork rib bone lying on a baked potato wrapper in the ad for his new men’s fragrance called BANG. Based on this ad, Marc’s nectar probably smells like Jiffy Pop, butt sweat, Molly McButter sprinkles, and cups of grease from the jar my abuelita keeps under her sink. Basically, this is what I wish my apartment will smell like on a Friday night, but it ends up reeking like lonely tears and burnt Hot Pockets.

And at least someone found a good use for the Mylar earthquake blanket my mom kept in her garage for decades.

via Stylelist

Quote Of The Day: Cynthia Nixon On Rojo Caliente

Cynthia Nixon tells The Advocate what makes her labia clap about Rojo Caliente (government name: Christine Marinoni) and who really carries the Home Depot charge card in the family:

“She’s basically a short man with boobs. A lot of what I love about her is her butchness. I’m not saying I fell in love with her in a sexually neutral way. I love her sexuality—it’s a big part of what I love about her—but I feel like it was her. It wasn’t something in me that was waiting to come out. It was like, this person is undeniable. How can I let this person walk by? Christine would probably kill me for saying this, but my daughter said one time that if you really had to break this down, [it looks like] she would be butch and I would be femme…but really once you get to know us it’s really the opposite.”

A short femme man with boobs?! Cynthia just took me there! Throw my ass on a block of ice, because that description just made my no-no play the final scenes in Firestarter.

Gabriel Aubry Has The Sads

Gabriel Aubry issued a statement last night confirming that he is no longer doing the nekkid Halle Berry dance on Halle Berry. Sad, right? It’s sad because he didn’t issue the statement in front of a video camera while lounging nekkid ass nekkid on a bear rug in front of a roaring fire with a rose between his peen lips. That’s the saddest part of all. Here’s Gabriel’s statement:

“While I will not comment on all of the wild inaccuracies being speculated about in the media, I am sad to say that Halle and I have decided together to separate at this time.

She is, and will forever be, one of the most special and beautiful people that I have ever known, and I am certain that we will continue to have only love and respect for one another.”

What he’s really trying to say is that their relationship could’ve been saved if only they knew about the Better Marriage Blanket months ago. Pretty people always cut the deadliest ass queefs.

Anyway, here’s Halle Berry mending her broken heart while holding on to the hand a hot piece in NYC last night. Dude could be her bodyguard, but she has a look on her face like she can’t wait to get home and open up her present. Nothing seals the cracks of a broken heart like peen glue.

Would You Hit It?

Here’s Jon Bon Jovi and his chest fur twinkling in the sunlight while hanging out by the pool in Miami yesterday afternoon. You know, there’s thousands of middle-aged Bon Jovi groupies (aka BJers) in New Jersey busting gallons of panty pudding (smells like E&J Gallo and the turnpike in July) in their cubicles over these pictures of JBJ. Productivity in New Jersey just hit an all-time low…and that’s saying a lot.

And yes, I would hit it on a slippery surface, because JBJ comes prepared to battle (see his sessy sneakers). Bitch keeps his feet strapped, so you don’t have to worry about him slipping and breaking your ass bone when he’s hitting from the back.

ICYMI: Ricky Martin Nekkid & Tattooed

This video of Ricky Martin nekkid ass nekkid on a light table is a couple of years old, but he must have been feeling a little nostalgic because he linked to it on his Twitter page a couple of days ago. Ricky just wants you to flick your nipples to it if you haven’t already. I see you, Ricky.

This is the same video that will play during Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie’s next fertility ceremony.

Ricky made this shit for his Black & White tour in 2007, but the Daily Mail is trying to say that it represents his rebirth as an openly gay man. Somebody stick a bottle of smelling salts up their nostrils while fanning them with peacock feathers, because they are being so damn dramatic. Besides, that’s not what it looks like when you loudly and proudly break out of the disco ball womb to declare your love for the peen to the entire world. This is what it looks like:

It’s the out gay’s version of “learning how to to walk.”