The Real Situation Is Right Here

Carrot Top, the Thundercats version of Jacqueline Labofish Stallone, summoned the panty pudding at Fred Segal in Santa Monica yesterday by lifting up his shirt and exposing his freckled MAN DOWN CODE 10 situation and split buns.

Why don’t you give your froat a break today, and let your genitals do the dry heaving while looking at these pictures. Carrot Top will bring the carrot stick and you bring the ranch dressing!

Fanny’s Got What You Need

RiRi and Gollumina can cover up their bikini bodies with a Snuggie towel, because Fantasia has arrived to summon the panty pudding with her piping hot corn cake thighs and marbled pork chops. Actually, by the looks of Fanny’s bikini briefs, she’s the one brewing the panty pudding in these pictures. I’m thinking caramel with a swirl of amaretto and a sprinkling of walnuts.

Fanny is in Barbados to perform at a musical festival, and she’s also there to celebrate the premiere of her Vh1 reality show which starts tonight. I really hope that after her show, Vh1 airs Fanny’s Paypal information, because we all need to drop a quarter in her cup so she can go and get those tattoos filled in. Bitch’s skin looks like an unfinished coloring book with water damage.

Kellan Lutz Is The New Crotch Of Calvin Klein Chonies

Fox411 is saying that Kellan Lutz, the other piece in Twatlight who isn’t Taylor Lautner or RPattz, has just signed a deal to star in an underwear campaign for Calvin Klein. And not just any campaign. Sources say the hos at Calvin Klein want Kellan to remake Marky Mark’s iconic campaign from the 90s that made genitals everywhere go weak. I still have the paper cut scars on my ass.

A source says that Calvin Klein hopes Kellan will become the #1 piece to fap to just like Marky Mark was in 1992. The source added, “The executives have a plan to model the ads very similarly after the famous Mark Wahlberg campaign in the 90’s. They want to recreate the look of the hugely successful ads, and who is better than Kellan Lutz to fill out those little underwear?”

Marky Mark’s panty ad for Calvin Klein was an important part of my life as a blooming gay. That shit was serious. I was a tween (Yes, I’m older than Kim Zolciak’s first wig aka OLD) when this shit came out, but I remember it like yesterday. As soon as I saw Marky’s ad in Rolling Stone, my b-hole opened up for business and started taking applications. Marky is partly to blame.

So, Kellan really has big panties to fill.

Hugh Jackman Pops That Ass In St. Barts

It’s Monday morning for some of you, so the top of your head might still be in a toilet at an Arby’s where you left it after one of your nights of cold-blooded fuckery. So hopefully, these pictures of Hugh Jackmeoff massaging his nipple, dry fucking his towel and pushing a lube bubble out of his b-hole (aka The Downward Tommy Girl) will ease your pain just a little.

Only Johnny

Johnny Depp is the only human with a penis on this planet who can wear an Anna Wintour-inspired bob on his head and still make nipples twitch like they just swallowed a gob of wasabi.

Actually, let me rewind this bitch and correct myself. Johnny is the SECOND dude in all the land who can pull off a Wintour bob. Peter Pan Dude and his bob have been making genitals yodel for years! Get a piece of this (if you haven’t had two servings already):

Here’s more of Johnny making causing mass bagina bukkake at an airport in Tokyo earlier today.

Is Mah Boo Trying To Tell Us Something?

Whenever you see a sexy piece making the “snake going into the cave” gesture with his hands, that’s your cue to take all them panties off, dip your nasties into a bowl of lukewarm Crisco, and line your fuck part with your condom of choice for Easy Pass access. So you know what drill I busted into when I first saw this picture of The Silver Fox. No wonder my neighbors from across the way always have their shades drawn.

Here’s Mah Boo at the CNN Heroes Awards along with DoMe Howser, Baby Wipes Howard, The Rock, Eva Mendes, Carrie Underwears and Leona Lewis.