Category: Panty Creamer of the Day
It Came From The Icy Lake….
Yesterday morning, Lake Michigan was filled with more shriveled-up dicks and frostbitten pussies than an orgy in an igloo when a bunch of brave bitches gladly froze their nipples off in the name of charity. The Chicago Tribune says that almost 5,000 people did the Polar Plunge into Lake Michigan in Chicago to raise money for the Special Olympics. They set a record yesterday by raising $1.5 million in just one day. Two of the people who risked pneumonia of the ass lips for charity were hot piece Taylor Kinney (no comment on his douchey back tattoo which belongs on the side of a van) and Lady Gaga who looked like Snow Miser in bad drag thanks to that frozen wig.
The Chicago Tribune said that the Special Olympics knew that Taylor, his Chicago Fire cast mates and Vince Vaughn were going to jump into that ice cold slushie, but they didn’t know that Lady CaCa was going to do it until minutes beforehand:
“She’s pure heart,” said Casey Hogan, president of Special Olympics Chicago and its fundraising arm Special Children’s Charities. “She came out for the cause — low-key, no press. It doesn’t get any better than that.”
The only reason to dip into icy waters is if it’s for charity, you’re getting paid thousands of dollars to do it, that necklace from Titanic is at the bottom or a topless Taylor Kinney grabs your hand and leads you into it. Below is video of the Polar Plunge. Keep a blow dryer nearby, because watching it may put icicles on your eyelashes.
All those people are cold, confused, wet and covered in ice…. Now they know how every baby who was pulled out of Nicole Kidman feels.
Oh, to be a paramedic in Chicago yesterday. As soon as Taylor Kinney came out of that icy lake, I’d grab his hand, push Gaga aside and tell him that his peen is in danger of catching hypothermia and I must save it by doing mouth-to-mouth while warming it up with my hands.
Pics: Getty, Splash/INF
Panty Creamer Of The Day: Jimmy Fallon Busts A Few Wet Loads On Thor
People’s current Sexiest Man Alive Man With The Hardest-Hustling PR Team title holder was on The Tonight Show last night to pimp out that Michael Mann movie where he plays a hacker. Chris Hemsworth as a hacker makes TOO much sense. I mean, everyone knows that people who work behind a computer all day are buff as shit. I’m typing this while running on a treadmill while doing butt crunches and lifting 20 pound weights with each arm. I’m typing this with my nose. Anyway, I have no idea what Chris said about his movie or whatever, and who cares, really? If I want to know what the movie’s about, I’ll read the synopsis on IMDB. When an actor goes on a talk show to promote his movie, I want him to promote that movie by dancing in a white shirt while the host soaks him with a water soaker. That is how you sell a movie.
Jimmy Fallon and Thor played that stupid game where they throw glasses of water at each other’s face. The winner gets to wet the loser up with a water cannon. Usually, the only time I can get into watching two straight dudes bust wet loads on each other is when they’re starring in a Sean Cody scene, but I got into this. Thor lost the water tossing game, because this clip wouldn’t go viral if he didn’t. So Thor got out of his chair and delivered some sweet moves while Jimmy Fallon got him all wet. And as Thor got wet, so did the chonies of millions of Americans.
If you can’t look at a water cannon without thinking of that NOT RIGHT commercial, then this is the perfect palate cleanser for you. Every time you look at a water cannon, you can think of Thor dancing like a doofus while getting Flashdance wet.
Here’s Thor outside of Live! with Kelly & Michael yesterday morning.
Open Post: Hosted By Prince Hot Ginge’s Belly Button
I’m slightly pissed off at Prince Hot Ginge. If these pictures came out a couple of days ago, my title could’ve been: Christmas Has Come Early And So Have I. He’s so selfish sometimes. But seriously…
Because he has such a charitable soul and a giving heart, Britain’s hottest benefits scrounger spent his Christmas Eve Day getting sweaty while handling balls with a bunch of dudes (including Duchess Kate’s brother) in a charity match at THE QUEEN’S Sandringham Estate in Norfolk, England. This Christmas, I asked for some sweaty ball-handling time with PHG, but that isn’t going to happen. Maybe next year. But I did get the gift of these pictures of his belly button and his knees looking like he just finished giving a beej behind the bushes in a park at midnight after it rained. I’ll take it.
Merry Gingemas to us all!
Pics: AP, FameFlynet
Charlie Hunnam’s Humping Ass Would Like To Wish You A Happy Hump Day
No, I did not Photoshop that picture at all. Angels literally fly out of Charlie Hunnam’s ass went he humps. Holiness goes out as holiness goes in.
ICYHFTIY (In case you haven’t fapped to it yet), here’s my favorite Sons of Anarchy cast member, Charlie Humman’s ass cheeks, thrusting and clenching during another fuck scene on last night’s episode. The office of the Parents Television Council is closed today, because they need time to fully analyze the dark-sided, raunchy, sucio sinfulness going on in last night’s sex scene (read: they need time to rage jack to it). Once they finish doing that, they need more time to pray for FX’s dirty soul (read: cool their genitals before going for round 2) before they write a 10,000 word statement condemning this filth (read: write the statement with one hand while fapping some more with the other).
There’s two NSFWish GIFs of Charlie fake fucking after the cut and there’s many more at My New Plaid Pants. Like I’ve said before, I don’t watch SoA and there’s only one episode left, but just in case Charlie’s clenching nalgas make one last appearance, I’m going to watch next week while sitting on a tarp with one bottle of lube in one hand and a cocktail in the other.
The Parents Television Council Doesn’t Think Charlie Hunnam’s Gyrating Ass Should Be On Basic Cable
I don’t watch Sons of Anarchy (I know I should because Peg Bundy + Charlie Hunnam’s nalgas), but apparently the beginning last week’s episode was a real fuck fest. Entertainment Weekly says that the episode opened with a three minute-long sex montage that showed six couples going at it and one chick going at it with herself. Oh, it also had a serving of Charlie Hunnam’s butt. Sons of Anarchy comes on screens at 10pm and they throw up a TV-MA warning before the show and after every commercial break. So the eyes of innocent children are warned. But of course, those hysterical, pearl clutchers at the Parents Television Council are outraged and appalled. They can’t believe that a network that gives us all that hot, beautiful fuck time goodness is in the same cable package as the Disney Channel. PTC’s president, Tim Winter, thinks FX needs to move out of basic cable and join those filthy fuck merchants on premium cable. Tim Winter spit out this stream of laugh juice:
“It’s official: In order to watch cable news, ESPN, Disney or the History Channel, every family in America must now also pay for pornography on FX. Last week’s episode of Sons of Anarchy opened with the most sexually explicit content we’ve ever seen on basic cable, content normally found on premium subscription networks like HBO or Showtime … If FX wants to be like HBO and air this kind of explicit content, then they should become a premium network … Families should not be forced to underwrite pornography. Cable Choice is a solution whose time has come, and there could hardly be a better example of it than this.”
Porn, really? Those PTC hos know the difference between fake cable sex and porn. Porn is the stuff they shame fap to on their iPads in the bathroom while the shower is on, towels are covering the mirrors and nobody’s in the house. FX didn’t have a comment about this, because why waste their keystrokes?
Like I said, I don’t watch SoA, but I do watch The Bridge (RIP) and American Horror Story and they get violent as hell. They cut each other open and crap. Why isn’t the PTC screaming about that? The PTC really needs to stop spitting out their rage letters and start learning how to block the dark-sided channels on their TVs. The public shouldn’t be deprived of Charlie Hunnam’s ass because those dumb ass parents aren’t parenting.
On the other hand…
If the PTC never released that ridiculous, stupid letter, I might not even know about SoA’s great big sex montage. But because their letter was picked up by everyone, I see Charlie Hunnam’s humping ass all over the place. So thank you for that, PTC. Thank you. You’re still crazy, but you did good work this time.
And after the cut is Charlie Hunnam’s ass in motion. I know, I really should’ve put it up top to save your eyes from scanning all those words.
Not A Dry Cumberbitch In The House: Benedict Cumberbatch Thinks Sherlock Would Be A Sex King In Bed
If the whole being “the alien lizard sex god of Tumblr and beyond” doesn’t work out for Bentducttape Cummyrash he can always get a full-time job as a Sherlock Holmes soft-core fanfiction writer, because he’s got it down. I don’t watch the BBC’s Sherlock Holmes, because I prefer my Sherlock in a more classical setting and for me, it’s not close enough to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s original stories. That is why I only watch the gay porn parody Surelick Homos. But I have read that Benedict’s Sherlock never sticks his shercock in anybody and he’s pretty much a-sexual. During an interview with Elle UK, Benedict and the interviewer got into talking about what Sherlock would be like during fuck times.
The interviewer thinks that Sherlock would be a dud in bed, but B. Cums thinks the exact opposite. B. Cums convinces the interviewer by getting detailed. He’s obviously thought about this a lot. He starts off by saying how he’d prepare for the sex and what the condom fitting would be like:
Oooh… You know I’d get the, I’d probably test the latex, if it involved prophylactics, beforehand.
I’d do a little experiment to do with durability, length, girth, and um, strength. And um, I would probably take a lot of vitamin supplements to make sure that I could perform, and had had my sleep, and probably not had many cigarettes. Or drink, for that matter. Not that he does drink.
Is he preparing to fuck or preparing for surgery? Damn. And then he goes on to describe lizard cunnilingus and finger banging amphibian-style.
And then I would be devastating. I’d know exactly how to please a woman, I’d know exactly where to put my fingers, where to put my tongue, where to put my – his I should say – his fingers, his tongue. Think about violinists, think about what they can do with their fingers.
And I’d know exactly how to get that person into it, and get pleasure out of making that person feel pleasure to the point that I probably wouldn’t even have to enter…
But when I did it would be explosive.
I’m sure the coochies of the Cumberbitches are still spitting out steam after reading this, but I don’t know why. So what he’s saying is that Sherlock’s piece has to lie around and wait as he methodically tries on condoms like he’s trying on a tuxedo for his wedding day. After that, she’d have to wait some more as he takes some Centrum, gives himself a B12 shot, takes a power nap and plays the Rocky theme song while giving his dick a pep talk. Finally, he’d give her some tongue and finger love and after all of that, he’d stick in the tip of his hemipenis for a second before cumming. 3 hours of pre-sex warming up, 1 hour of foreplay and 10 seconds of dicking. That’s what I got from this. So in other words, Benedict thinks Sherlock is surely a cock tease.
I want to know what Robert Downey Jr. thinks of this.
