The Dumb Trash Of America Have Something To Say About Coca-Cola’s Super Bowl Ad

Before you keep reading, I strongly suggest pouring yourself a tall glass of Champale, packing a bowl with whatever you choose (I’m choosing cotton candy), and wrapping up in the quilt that makes you the warmest and happiest, because I’m about to remind you that opinions are like assholes: everybody’s got one, and some are constantly pushing out shit.

Last night during the Bruno Mars Presents The Fur Coat Expensive Commercials (and also some football) Spectacular, a Coca-Cola spot featuring an ethnically-diverse group of people singing “America the Beautiful” aired during the second half of the game, and it made thousands of loudmouth pieces of trash stop slamming cans of Mountain Dew long enough to take to Twitter in a depressing flurry of backwards-type hatred. According to Us Weekly, the critiques ranged from ‘Ugh…really?’ to ‘Oh fuck, REALLY??’:

Within minutes of the commercial airing, enraged watchers took to Twitter to voice their grievances over the multi-lingual rendition of the iconic tune and a segment which spotlights a same-sex couple and their daughter.

Several tweeters cried out for all fellow citizens to “speak English” while others complained that the commercial showed Muslim Americans, calling them “terrorists” and using other slurs.

I think I used to work with one of those people. After hearing a customer speaking in broken English, this girl I was working with stage-whispers: “If ya cain’t speak any anglish, y’all should go back to where from you come.” Excuuuuuse you bitch, but you can barely speak English and your ignorant ass was born here. What is it about the fools with the toughest grasp on reality having the most to say? Science, figure it out, please.

And if people are getting this bent out of shape over singing a song in a bunch of languages and a kid with two dads, then I’m very interested in what they had to say about Budweiser’s ad where a puppy fall in love with a horse. “It ain’t natural! Stop trying to shove your liberal inter-species agenda down our throats!”

“I’ll Take Straight Thuggin’ For $1000, Alex”

One of the categories on Monday night’s episode of Jeopardy was called It’s A Rap and all the questions-phrased-as-answers were song lyrics that Alex Trebek was forced to – quote unquote – rap. And I say forced, because he sounded like he had a gun held to his head; there was about as much rhythmic flow as a prisoner of war during the filming of a hostage video. I think the highlights are definitely towards the end, when Alex Trebek tries his hand at Dr. Dre’s Nuthin but a G Thang (he pronounces nuthin’ as nuttin’, which could only be made funnier if he pronounced it nutting, but that’s a completely different song all together) and when he raps the lyrics to Public Enemy’s Timebomb and drops the R from car. Wait a second, is that Alex Trebek or Chuck D?? I can barely tell.

I really hope this isn’t the last we hear of Alex Trebek mechanically ‘rapping’ on Jeopardy; Notorious BIG and Dr. Dre were just the tip of the iceberg. If you want to really see some sky-high ratings, somewhere around sweeps week throw in another rap category that includes lyrics by Easy E, Khia, and Lil Kim. Or at the very least, Eminem’s verse on Numb. I think we’d all really like to hear him try: “I’m motioning you to pull over you boo/I’m the siren that you hear/I’m the butt police, and I’m looking at your rear, rear, rear”.

Wait a second…the category was called It’s A Rap? ‘It’s A Rap’ also happens to be the name of Robert Goulet’s rap album in the Will Ferrell SNL sketch of the same name (actually, the full title is The Coconut Bangers’ Ball: It’s A Rap). And Will Ferrell also used to play Alex Trebek in the SNL Celebrity Jeopardy sketches. FULL CIRCLE. Wow, I used to think those Beyonce-Illuminati conspiracy theorists were crazy, but now I’m not so sure. For more information, visit my blog http://LorneMichaelsIlluminati.com_EndTimes/It_Starts_With_Pat