Blame Madonna For This

In her continued effort to #getmoneybitch, OctoMom has made genitals turn inside/out with her fap tape, has made retinas curl by boringly working the stripper pole, has made you throw up a barrel of laughs with her OctoLoans commercial and now she’s going after your ears. Kim Zolciak’s untalented ass showed everyone that you can make money from a piece of shit song even if you sound like a robot  walrus farting into a wind tunnel, so OctoMom has joined fame whore forces with reality type Adam Barta and together they are putting out a musical terrorist threat called “Sexy Party. I’m guessing that OctoMom’s song is neither sexy, nor a party.

The song doesn’t come out until September, but TMZ already has the “cover art” for that mess. This is what it looks like when desperation and Photoshop collide in the worst possible way. OctoMom says that she’s paying tribute to Madge’s “Like A Prayer” era with this cover. I sort of see a tribute to Madge, but I mostly see a tribute to vomit and that Photoshopped handbra is obviously a tribute to Janet Jackson. But what I really don’t understand is how those crucifixes didn’t turn upside down from being faced with this dark-sidedness? If you poured dirty douche water on an Affliction t-shirt and put it under a microscope, this is what you’d see.

With all that being said, you know I’m going to download Octo’s “Sexy Party” when it comes out. My thirst for fuckery always takes me to the darkest places.

Can’t She Just Get 150 OctoLoans?

OctoMom got off welfare the old-fashioned way (aka shriveling retinas by sucking off a huge baby bottle during her strip show debut) and now she’s trying to get money the other old-fashioned way: by begging for it.

TMZ says that Octo will be kicked out of her house of baby screeches and overstuffed Pampers any day now and she needs money for a down payment on another house to raise her child army in. So Octo’s holding up her empty change cup by posting a donation page on GoFundMe.com (more like GoBlowMe.com) and asking her “fans” for $150,000.

As of this morning, Octo is so close to meeting her goal and by that I mean she’s 1% there after two days! I know, don’t everybody throw your dollars at Octo’s donation page at the same time or the Internet might break from the sheer weight of money in her PayPal account. Karen the Bus Monitor, who? In all seriousness, why aren’t whores dumping all of their lube fund money into Octo’s online begging purse for making Tumblr a sexier place thanks to GIF after GIF of her twisting her eyes while twisting her octoclit. (Warning: Do not search for those GIFs unless you want to make your keyboard a barfier place).

TMZ also says that Octo is still going to do her side jobs in case she doesn’t get that $150k for free and that brings up another question. Octo has at least 150 kids and each one of those 150 kids probably has good credit and their own social security number, so why hasn’t she taken a loan in all of their names?

What is the point of having ten million children if you don’t commit identity theft against them by taking  out loans in their names?!

Octomom Pole Danced Her Way Off The Dole

This is a story about overcoming adversity and triumphing in the face of indomitable odds. It should be told and re-told by every generation. Octomom says that she pole-danced her way off of welfare!

Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. Of course, you don’t take so many fertility drugs that your vagine busts open and emits 8,000 people but what’s done is done.

Octomom has been causing the patrons of skripper clubs and peeler bars across the country to shield their eyes and beg their waitress to “make it a double” by sliding that 14-passenger pussy up and down the vertical brass. And apparently it pays better than waitressing in a diner so intensely that you fall and Donna Summer squats down beside you to comfort you and you give her a “hands off, lady. I’m strictly dickly” side-eye. And she needed the scratch, cuz’ she didn’t plan ahead for what life would be like with a grip of children AND NO DISCERNIBLE PLAN TO RAISE THEM IN A FINANCIALLY STABLE HOUSEHOLD. This bitch.

Sources say that Octomom has not renewed her welfare cycle, and made SIX FIGURES (!!!) awkwardly slapping her buttcheeks for a terrified audience while tottering around in some truly wretched outfits. Vice squad arrestees from 1983 wouldn’t be caught dead in that shit. It’s like a “Over Her Head Mommy’s First Prostitution Whore”outfit.

Octomom proved that her welfare adventure was just a temporary thing! She’ll never have to go on the dole again. Six figures will last FOREVER when you have 14 children. Yep. By the way, I refuse to pay taxes anymore.

Panty Creamer Of The Day: OctoMom’s Stripper Pictures

Sucio bitches who saved up wads of dollars bills to rub against OctoMom’s c-section scar during her stripper debut at T’s Club in Florida made a sad in their pants after she canceled that shit due to the club’s employees throwing shade at her during an interview with a local news station. But because the rent is always due, you can’t buy collagen injections with an EBT card and 14 screaming kids are always hungry, OctoMom re-booked at a different club in Florida. Octo made her stripper debut at Playhouse Gentlemen’s Club in Hallandale, FL this past Friday night and I can’t believe people didn’t make it rain unused Pampers on her ass instead of making it rain dollar bills.

TMZ says that the fap porn superstar dropped her ass, did the #imbirthingmoney move (see picture above) and even gave a half-assed lap dance to a lady on stage. Octo made sperm counts instantly drop when she licked a lollipop as a sexy school girl and spanked herself while stripping to RiRi’s S&M. Octo spanking herself is seriously some Fifty Shades of NO shit.

TMZ has more pictures if you that’s what you need today and every single picture serves as a very important warning. If you get a back alley doctor to stuff your baby making area with two handfuls of embryos, you might give birth to your own personal child army. Then in to support that child army, you’ll have to awkwardly work the pole at a Florida strip club while wearing the ugliest shoes I’ve ever seen. I’m all for Octo getting money, bitch, but I’m not for Octo doing it while wearing some “Minnie Mouse working the discount section of the ho stroll” shoes.

OctoMom’s Got A Man

There really is someone out there for everyone even if that everyone is five hundred layers of insane, has 14 screaming kids at home, is freshly bankrupt, has lips like stale gummy worms and wears pigtails out in public. (Nothing is more tragic than a grown ass woman wearing pigtails and not in a “role playing as a slutty schoolgirl” kind of way. Okay, even that is tragic.) TMZ just happened to be at LAX yesterday when the bombshell of the San Gabriel Valley got picked up by her 15th kid: a 23-year-old amateur bodybuilder named Frankie G. Yes, OctoMom’s got a man. Somewhere, Jennifer Love Hewitt is vagazzling the words “FUCK MY LIFE” onto her crotch while deep throating a Pillsbury cookie dough roll.

Apparently, Octo met her new piece Frankie G at church and they’ve been dating for around two months.

I want to be happy for Octo that she’s finally letting peen into her dusty octobox after 13 years of swearing off dick, but something about this isn’t right. Who in the hell could take Octo’s soul-killing maniacal cackle as you tickle her octopussy in her bedroom while outside the door her band of unruly kids burn the house down and tag their gang name onto the walls. This is obviously a stunt and I want to say that the only one in that duo who’s getting good dick is Frankie G. But I can’t fully say that, because I don’t know any self-respecting gay dude, even a straight-for-fame gay dude, who would sit in the same car with a grown bitch wearing pigtails. (Nina Hagen not included)

Here’s Octo pursing her mouth pillows at The Chio Morning Show’s celebrity pillow fight (I can’t with ANY of that) in King of Prussia, PA over the weekend.

OctoMom On The Sybian

For the one of you who didn’t immediately hit the I QUIT THIS BITCH button after reading that headline, you’re as sucio as me and we’ll be disgusting together. I seriously can’t avert my eyes from the dead-eyed, slow-moving train of crazy as it crashes into a pile of dirty diapers and sadness. I even watched a few uncensored clips from OctoMom’s self-love porn and the most offensive thing is that one of the sets looks like a P.F. Chang’s. How will I ever enjoy a serving of Mongolian beef the same way ever again?

To promote her debut fap porn, Octo and her jack-off guide Jessica Drake went on Howard Stern yesterday. Octo pulled Howard’s dick when she said that achieving her first chocha seizure on camera opened her up to a whole new world and she can’t wait to explore more of her sexuality. Basically, Octo used a lot of words to say, “A CHECK IS A CHECK!” So because Octo can’t get enough of rubbing love into herself, Howard brought out the Sybian and she jumped on. This clip is totally NSFW unless your boss is okay with you screaming for mercy.

And I don’t know what terrorized my ears more today: Octo’s fake orgasm yodels or the new Carly Rae Jepsen song. Definitely, the latter.