Neil Patrick Harris Pulled An “I Don’t Know Her” On Rachel Bloom During Last Night’s Tonys

Doogie Howser M.D. sure has come up in the world. Neil Patrick Harris has hosted the Tony Awards a few times, but sadly he’s forgotten all the little people upon whose heads he tap danced on his way to the top. One such head is Crazy-Ex Girlfriend Rachel Bloom’s. Last night, for the second year in a row, Rachel was the backstage host at the Tonys and Neil was watching from home with his spawn and live tweeting.  Neil was either suffering from soap opera amnesia or was super salty to be left out because he went in hard on Rachel with a Mariah worthy “I don’t know her”.

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Kelly Ripa Might Quit Live! If She Doesn’t Get To Pick Her New Co-Host

Shortly after Michael Strahan announced that he was taking the Michael out of Live! with Kelly and Michael and taking it over to Good Morning America, there were whispers that ABC had already drafted up a short list of replacements for him. Two names that were being thrown around were Anderson Cooper and Neil Patrick Harris, because I guess ABC was really feeling the idea of replacing Michael with a blue-eyed gay dreamboat.

But it sounds like ABC might want to think about throwing some lady names on that list too, because there could be a chance they’ll be replacing Kelly Ripa as well. A source tells UsWeekly that Kelly really wants Michael to be replaced by either Anderson Cooper (whose book she was not-so-subtly seen carrying around yesterday) or Andy Cohen. The source claims that if ABC doesn’t hire one Kelly’s choices to sit beside her, she’s thinking about leaving. And not in the “Bye bitches, see you in a couple days” way either. According to said source, Kelly is still a little pissed about the way things were handled with Michael that she’s ready to put in her permanent walking papers unless she gets her way. But wait, Kelly told us yesterday that everything is fine! I just don’t know what to believe anymore.

Kelly isn’t exactly reaching for a box to pack up her things just yet. ABC is still deciding who they want. They’re also apparently adding more names to the list. According to UsWeekly, they’re also considering Jerry O’Connell. But it doesn’t look good for Kelly. Anderson is currently busy covering the election, and Andy is under contract with Bravo for Watch What Happens Live. I guess if Kelly does end up quitting, that would give Disney a good excuse to pull the plug on Live! and give GMA that third hour they’ve been rumored to be looking at. Hmmm…how convenient for you, Disney.

I understand wanting to work with your friends, but this is all a tad dramatic. Would it honestly be so unbearable to make morning show small talk with Neil Patrick Harris while your bank account gets stuffed with millions of dollars? Hell, if the price was right, I’m sure NPH would throw a little silver in his hair if that’s what will do it for Kelly.

Pic: Splash

Neil Patrick Harris Says He Probably Won’t Be Back To Host Another Oscars

I believe that smile on Neil Patrick Harris’ face is the wordless equivalent to Gob Bluth’s “I’ve made a huge mistake.” Even though Neil Patrick Harris is a charming high-energy singing dancing machine that was built in a handsome showbiz robot factory, hosting the Oscars this year apparently really drained his battery and wore down his entertainment processor and he doesn’t think he can do it again. During a recent interview with HuffPo, Doogie Howser admitted that unless they upgrade his circuitry, he probably won’t be back to host the Oscars for a second time:

“I don’t know that my family nor my soul could take it. It’s a beast. It was fun to check off the list, but for the amount of time spent and the understandable opinionated response, I don’t know that it’s a delightful balance to do every year or even again.”

He also says that it didn’t help to find out that people though he sucked (yes, even with the surprise guest appearance of Doogie Jr.)

“It’s so difficult for one who’s simply watching the show to realize just how much time and concession and compromise and explanation has gone into almost every single thing…And I’m not saying that to defend everything I said as if it was the absolute best choice, but it’s also an award show, and you’re powering through 14 acts filled with 20 plus awards. So my job was to try and keep things as light and specific to this year’s set of films as possible. And if people are critical of that, it’s a big giant platform, so I would assume that they would be.”

It doesn’t really matter what famous type is hosting, people at home will hate it, because the Oscars are 4 hours long and boring as hell. And if you want someone to watch Neil Patrick Harris sing and dance for 4 hours, you gotta make it worth it; for example, give NPH a sidekick, like that entertaining bitch Purin the Beagle. And then replacing NPH with a talented cat. There, problem solved!

When All Else Fails, Get Down To Your Chonies

Doogie Howser took a break from giggling at his own jokes while hosting the Oscars tonight to say “fuckit” and get down to his panties while doing a Birdman bit, because he knows what the people watching (read: stoned straight chicks and drunks gays) want! YES! This is what I want from the Oscars. Screw those boring ass gowns and basic tuxedos. Make everyone get down to their panties and by everyone I mean only Chris Pine, The Rock, Idris Elba, David Oyelowo and (insert any other hot piece I might have forgotten because all the booze I guzzled has drowned out my sense of short memory).

And it’s really nice to know that the ball of rolled-up socks that Justin Bieber stuck in his Calvin Klein underwear got another job.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

Doogie Howser Is Hosting The Oscars

That bump in Doogie’s pants. I was going to make a Neil Patrick Harris dick joke here, but I stopped myself, because it would’ve involved spilling a Gone Girl spoiler. That wouldn’t be a good thing, because the government recently announced that anybody who drops a GG spoiler will immediately be fed to a rabid pack of angry bitches who’ve got the rage in them because they read a GG spoiler online.

Expect the 2015 Oscars to be filled with a million times more musical numbers than last year, because Variety says that Neil Patrick Harris and his Stonehenge forehead of wonder will host. Practically everyone’s nipples turn into glitter cannons whenever NPH hosts anything, so this isn’t really surprising. NPH announced the news by tweeting a little skit, but he also covered all of his bases by releasing this statement of words:

“It is truly an honor and a thrill to be asked to host this year’s Academy Awards. I grew up watching the Oscars and was always in such awe of some of the greats who hosted the show. To be asked to follow in the footsteps of Johnny Carson, Billy Crystal, Ellen DeGeneres, and everyone else who had the great fortune of hosting is a bucket list dream come true.”

NPH has hosted the Emmys and the Tonys, so now he’s just a Grammy hosting gig away from a hosting EGOT. NPH is an overachieving theater kid, so if anyone can make it happen, it’s him.

If the year was 1989 again and you and I were watching an episode of Doogie Howser while sharing a Swanson’s Le Menu microwave dinner (we’re fancy like that) and you said to me, “In 25 years, Doogie’s face is going to be everywhere and you’re not going to be able to open your eyes without seeing it.” I’d tell you to stop sniffing Mr. Sketch markers, because you’ve obviously gone crazy and don’t know what you’re talking about. Vinnie Delpino’s going to be the big star.

From The Department Of “Wait, I Thought These Two Were Already Married….”

My brain really is a dried up, crusty bathroom sponge that’s covered in shit bits and mold, because I really thought that Neil Patrick Harris (seen above looking like a malnourished Dr. Frankenstein’s monster after losing all that weight for Hedwig) and his dude of a million years David Burtka were already married and all of us already made jokes about how David’s thirty layer smug face is going to get smugger now that he’s officially Mr. Doogie Howser. But we haven’t done that, because NPH and David only recently decided to ruin their relationship by becoming husband and husband.

This morning, Neil Patrick Harris announced on his Twatter that after being together for 10 years, he and David Burtka got married in Italy on Saturday. Since gay marriage is illegal in Italy, I’m assuming that the wedding happened in Italy, but they made it legal in California or somewhere else in the US. People says that NPH’s close friend, TV director Pam Fryman, married the two and their 3 1/2 year old twins, Harper Grace and Gideon Scott, were in the ceremony. Doogie and David’s partner in yachting, Elton John, performed at the reception. No word if Vinnie Delpino was Doogie’s best man (Vinnie Delpino better have been Doogie’s best man).

Here’s Doogie’s tweet:

I thought NPH put the “d” in his husband a long time ago. I mean, how do you think they made those babies?

But really, that is a beautiful and touching picture. My favorite part of any wedding ceremony is when one solidifies their love and bond to the other by saying, “Pull my finger.”