Doogie Howser Is Hosting The Oscars

October 15, 2014 / Posted by:

That bump in Doogie’s pants. I was going to make a Neil Patrick Harris dick joke here, but I stopped myself, because it would’ve involved spilling a Gone Girl spoiler. That wouldn’t be a good thing, because the government recently announced that anybody who drops a GG spoiler will immediately be fed to a rabid pack of angry bitches who’ve got the rage in them because they read a GG spoiler online.

Expect the 2015 Oscars to be filled with a million times more musical numbers than last year, because Variety says that Neil Patrick Harris and his Stonehenge forehead of wonder will host. Practically everyone’s nipples turn into glitter cannons whenever NPH hosts anything, so this isn’t really surprising. NPH announced the news by tweeting a little skit, but he also covered all of his bases by releasing this statement of words:

“It is truly an honor and a thrill to be asked to host this year’s Academy Awards. I grew up watching the Oscars and was always in such awe of some of the greats who hosted the show. To be asked to follow in the footsteps of Johnny Carson, Billy Crystal, Ellen DeGeneres, and everyone else who had the great fortune of hosting is a bucket list dream come true.”

NPH has hosted the Emmys and the Tonys, so now he’s just a Grammy hosting gig away from a hosting EGOT. NPH is an overachieving theater kid, so if anyone can make it happen, it’s him.

If the year was 1989 again and you and I were watching an episode of Doogie Howser while sharing a Swanson’s Le Menu microwave dinner (we’re fancy like that) and you said to me, “In 25 years, Doogie’s face is going to be everywhere and you’re not going to be able to open your eyes without seeing it.” I’d tell you to stop sniffing Mr. Sketch markers, because you’ve obviously gone crazy and don’t know what you’re talking about. Vinnie Delpino’s going to be the big star.


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