Michael Lohan Says Shit Is Getting All Kinds Of Messy For Kate Major In Jail

Here we go again; Michael Lohan is a drama-loving attention-seeking mess, take 8,303,472 (in the words of the great Mr. Lahey, the shit apple doesn’t fall far from the shit apple tree). According to TMZ, Lindsay’s deadbeat dad claims that his pregnant girlfriend Kate Major (seen above looking like Smurfette and Gargamel after 2-for-1 tequila night at Señor Frogs) is having a super shitty time in jail for her DUI. Michael says that Kate’s vagina has started bleeding on two separate occasions, but when she goes to the infirmary, they give her an ultrasound and tell her she’s fine. Michael is pissed off that the jail didn’t call in a specialist or rush Kate’s ass to the hospital, and Dr. Michael Lohan OB-GYN tells TMZ:

“You know damn well if someone has vaginal bleeding while pregnant that’s indicative of a miscarriage.”

Damn, those Lohans love to throw around the word “miscarriage”, don’t they? Again, shitty apple, shitty apple tree. Michael is also pissed that the jail has forced Kate to “carry her property back to her room” while bleeding from her down-lows. Oh my god, they made Kate carry her own things?? Who’s her CO, Pornstache? Anyways, Michael thinks something in the prison pruno ain’t clean and he’s hired Casey Anthony’s attorney Jose Baez to fight for a court order to have Kate treated properly.

I really hope that Michael Lohan’s attorney is able to get that court order, because I know that if Kate was seen by a professional doctor, he’d take one look at her medical history, see that she already has one child with Michael Lohan and is pregnant with another, determine that she’s clearly insane (she willingly fucked Michael Lohan, after all) and request she be transferred from jail to a psych ward. Then when she gives birth to Major-Lohan Baby No. 2, they can quickly whisk the baby away to a neonatal support group for newborns with extremely fucked up parents. Everybody wins!

These Wonderful And Responsible Parents Made Another Baby Together

If only Bob Barker reminded everyone to have their pets AND their douchebags spayed or neutered….

Michael Lohan and Kate Major shouldn’t be allowed to take care of a dead hemorrhoid burnt off of a hyena’s ass let alone be allowed to take care of an actual human being, but because we live in a country where involuntarily sterilization is illegal for some strange reason, they have made another baby together. Michael Lohan has sole custody of their first child, 16-month-old son Landon, because Kate Major is currently locked up in the chokey in Florida. The broke down gutter version of Tara Reid was sentenced to 8 months in prison after she violated probation in March by drunkenly crashing her car into some bushes following a messy fight with Michael Lohan. And before Kate became Orange is the New Black’s newest cast member, she bareback boned Michael Lohan and made another future ward of the state with him.

Gossip Extra (via Radar) reports that Kate still has 7 more months to serve, but her attorney Michelle Suskauer filed a motion asking the judge to let her serve the rest of her sentence under house arrest at home. According to her lawyer, Kate’s pregnancy is high-risk. Kate is claiming that she’s 9 weeks knocked up and she’s not able to see her regular doctor. The judge who threw Kate in prison for 8 months will decide if she gets special treatment or not. But the judge might not be amused since she knew Kate had a fetus growing in her when she sent her to prison.

Michael Lohan confirms to Gossip Extra that Kate is pregnant with his 7th kid (or is it 8th? Or 10th? I’m losing track.)

Lindsay Lohan really did inherit her dad’s ability to make wonderful decisions. I mean, you’d think that Michael Lohan’s one brain cell would do him a favor by letting him know that maybe sticking it raw in a trick isn’t such a good idea, because there’s only so many stories about his piece of trash family he can sell to the tabloids to put a dent in all the child support he owes. You’d also think that maybe Kate Major’s one brain cell would do her a favor by letting her know that maybe letting Michael Lohan stick it in raw isn’t a good idea at all. Well, the good news for the unborn Lohan in Kate’s body is that if the judge doesn’t release her from prison and she has to give birth in there, it can escape to the janitor’s closet after slipping out of her poon and it can be raised by prison rats. So there’s that.

And at this point, there’s enough Lohans to rent a pretty big church basement to hold weekly meetings for their Traumatized Children of Michael Lohan support group.

Here’s Michael’s pride and thinking she’s St. Angie Jolie at the Oscars while trolling around London last night.

Pics: Wenn.com

Bitch Needs Kindergarten: The Kate Major Edition

Warning: you will definitely get second-hand drunk from watching this dash cam video of fresh Florida clementine Kate Major’s DUI arrest, so go grab the Flintstones Chewable Painkillers and a giant jug of Gatorade, because your brain will be begging for it once you’re done.

The police car dash cam of Kate Major’s arrest after her whirlwind Thursday evening spent drinking, fighting, more drinking, tweeting, more fighting, and drunk driving (aka just an average night at the home of Michael Lohan and Kate Major) has been released, and while it lacks the grand showmanship of other notable DUI videos, such as that of Laura Jeanne Poon’s, it makes up for it with subtlety and charm.

We open on Kate looking like a raunchy Fraggle in sweatpants, immediately denying that she’s been drinking. Good call Kate; it’s not like the police have a tool to test for that sort of thing. But they don’t need to administer a breathalyzer, because Kate pretty much confirms their suspicions that she’s been chasing the chardonnay dragon by bursting into tears and gargling out whatever random thoughts have been collecting in her lizard brain. Now, unless you like the sound of slurry drunk crying, you should skip to the 3:00 mark, because that’s where things take a turn down YAAAASSS road.

After Kate does the walk o’ sobriety without falling on her ass (something I can barely do while sober, so slow claps for you, Kate Major), you can tell she thinks she’s in the clear, but then she’s asked to recite her A-B-Cs and you can practically hear that sad trombone sound. Someone needs to sit her down and hook her ass on phonics, because she manages to hit everything between A and V, but oh boy, those last 4 letters. Twice she forgets what comes after T-U-V. And yet she gets L-M-N-O-P, the no-good troublemakers of the alphabet. It’s that damn W’s fault; ironic, considering wine and wasted both start with the letter W.

And I don’t know if Kate fucked up her A-B-Cs because she was drunk, or because she’s an idiot who legit doesn’t know them, but I think it might be the latter. I mean, she did mate with Michael Lohan.

Michael Lohan Thinks He Should Have Full Custody Of His Son

That sentence alone should have every CPS agent in the universe (yes, even CPS Saturn) rushing to Michael Lohan’s home to collect Baby Landon, but sadly being a human taint rash isn’t enough proof that your kid needs confiscating.

On Thursday, Michael Lohan’s wife Kate Major (yes, the one who looks like Miss Piggy’s half sister who sells meth during her midnight shift at the Circle K) submitted her second entry for Most Florida by getting drunk, whooping her husband in his fried chicken face, fled the scene and crashed her car into some bushes. Police arrested her ass for being a violent drunk mess and she’s currently being held in jail. I’m guessing her prison name is either Major Trash or Frost-N-Tip (because, dayum, she got some $9.99 highlights).

Now TMZ is saying that on Monday, Michael will be filing for primary custody after his wife’s latest life disaster on grounds that he fears for his son’s safety once Kate is released. He also wants someone to investigate her doctors because they recently put her on medication and he claims that the drugs are making her loco in the cabeza. Uh huh. So how do you explain dating Jon Gosselin? Was she on drugs then too? It’s not the drugs, Michael; she’s been infected with the virus carried by the Lohan family (Attentionwhorus Dramatis) and it’s turned her into a drama-loving drunk lunatic. I know; you can call me Detective La Allison, because I just solved the case.

And when Michael shows up on Monday to file for custody, can’t someone from CPS please bust him on a technicality? Maybe one of the wheels on Baby Landon’s stroller looks a little wobbly. Maybe he filled out the form in black ink instead of blue. Maybe it looks like he’s feeding him off-brand Animal Crackers. Just find SOMETHING you can use. Come on CPS, Landon Lohan needs you!

Pic: TMZ

These Shit Stain Wrecks Are At It Again: Kate Major Busted For DUI After Slapping Michael Lohan

Last month, Kate Major, the messy mess who always looks like a drunk Tara Reid in a fun house mirror, and Michael Lohan, the stubborn hard shit stuck in humanity’s b-hole, got into a fight, and as she screamed for help on the fame whore’s answer to 911 (aka Twitter) while locked in her bedroom, he tried to break down the door. To the surprise of no one, these two didn’t get intense counseling and make a promise to not be complete urethra sores for the sake of their child. (Yes, these two have a child. Are you listening CPS?) Michael and Kate are continuing to be a non-stop episode of Cops.

TMZ says that at their home in Florida tonight, Michael and Kate did something they probably do every second of the day when they’re not passed out on the bathroom floor: they got into a fight. Michael immediately called TMZ afterward (because that’s always his first call) and told them that Kate punched him multiple times in the face. I’m guessing that Kate hit him once for herself, once for LiLo and once for humanity. Michael called 911 (Twitter must’ve been down) and just as the cops arrived, a drunken Kate busted out of that scene in her car.

The cops caught up to Kate after she crashed into some bushes not far away. She was arrested for DUI and the cops may charge her with domestic battery.

The police should go ahead and arrest Michael Lohan too and throw him in the same cell with Kate and charge them both for giving Florida a band name. And we know that’s saying a whole fucking lot. A whole fucking lot.

There’s 2 things about this story that surprised me:

1. Kate and Michael have enough money for booze and gas.

2. Their kid still lives with them. It’s amazing that he hasn’t realized his future is bleak, found an open window, jumped out of it and stumbled his way toward a better life. Maybe he’ll do just that tonight when Michael Lohan’s on the phone with those who really matter to him (read: TMZ, Radar, The Insider, Access Hollywood, your local PennySaver, etc…).

And Here’s The Trailer For “Lindsay Lohan’s 4,569,756th Chance: The Show”

“Um, is that a new kind of coke? Why hasn’t my dealer told me about that one. I’ll kill him!”  – LiLo

Last night, OWN shat out the trailer for their reality show, which should be called Lindsay: I’m Just Doing This For The Check (alternate title: Oprah: I’m Just Doing This For The Ratings), and it shows us Lindsay Lohan in a completely different light! By that I mean we see her in daylight. We usually see her trolling the dark streets at nighttime.

The first part shows us the broken ginger record queefing at the mouth about how she’s sick of being a drunken mess, White Oprah with her head stuck all the way up her culo, Michael Lohan being the oozing pussy pimple that he is and more of the same crap we’ve all seen and heard a million times before. The second part is The Mighty O slapping LiLo’s crackie zombie face with some truth after that mess does what she always does. Before Oprah gives it to LiLo straight, there’s a scene of her in her chariot with my favorite, Sherry Ensalada, and Sherry tells her about how Lilo has been a pain in everyone’s taint. Oprah says, “This is exactly what everybody said was going to happen and I believed differently.” Aunt Bunny, can I get  GUURRRL PLEASE?! Oprah knew LiLo was going to be unreliable and she probably wanted LiLo to be unreliable, so she could sweep in and tell that mess off in front of the cameras and everyone would be like, “You tell her, Oprah! You always speak the truth, Oprah! You’re everyone’s savior, Oprah!” Oprah, YOU need to cut the bullshit. (Future headline: Skinny Fat Gay Blogger Goes Missing – A Pillar Of Salt Found In Front Of His Desk)

With all that being said, I’m still going to watch every second of this same old shit mess, because the sober coach’s down eyes followed by an, “ummmm,” when he’s asked if LiLo’s still sober SOLD ME.

And LiLo totally sold herself short when she said, “I know this is my last shot of doing what I love to do.” She still has plenty of years of stealing necklaces and slapping hos in clubs ahead of her!

Pic: Tumblr