That sentence alone should have every CPS agent in the universe (yes, even CPS Saturn) rushing to Michael Lohan’s home to collect Baby Landon, but sadly being a human taint rash isn’t enough proof that your kid needs confiscating.
On Thursday, Michael Lohan’s wife Kate Major (yes, the one who looks like Miss Piggy’s half sister who sells meth during her midnight shift at the Circle K) submitted her second entry for Most Florida by getting drunk, whooping her husband in his fried chicken face, fled the scene and crashed her car into some bushes. Police arrested her ass for being a violent drunk mess and she’s currently being held in jail. I’m guessing her prison name is either Major Trash or Frost-N-Tip (because, dayum, she got some $9.99 highlights).
Now TMZ is saying that on Monday, Michael will be filing for primary custody after his wife’s latest life disaster on grounds that he fears for his son’s safety once Kate is released. He also wants someone to investigate her doctors because they recently put her on medication and he claims that the drugs are making her loco in the cabeza. Uh huh. So how do you explain dating Jon Gosselin? Was she on drugs then too? It’s not the drugs, Michael; she’s been infected with the virus carried by the Lohan family (Attentionwhorus Dramatis) and it’s turned her into a drama-loving drunk lunatic. I know; you can call me Detective La Allison, because I just solved the case.
And when Michael shows up on Monday to file for custody, can’t someone from CPS please bust him on a technicality? Maybe one of the wheels on Baby Landon’s stroller looks a little wobbly. Maybe he filled out the form in black ink instead of blue. Maybe it looks like he’s feeding him off-brand Animal Crackers. Just find SOMETHING you can use. Come on CPS, Landon Lohan needs you!