Category: MacKenzie Bezos
Lauren Sanchez Filed For Divorce The Day After Jeff Bezos’ Divorce Was Finalized
Alleged Amazon mistress Lauren Sanchez isn’t one to lay down on the job (*rimshot*). And that’s not slut-shaming, that’s goddamn admiration! TMZ reports that Lauren Sanchez filed for divorce from her husband of 13 years, Hollywood mega-agent Patrick Whitesell, just one day after the divorce of her boyfriend, Amazon kajillionaire Jeff Bezos and Mackenzie Bezos was finalized. Well, everyone involved didn’t get where they are in life by dawdling now, did they?
Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos Finalized Their Divorce
While it takes some rich people (I’m looking at you, Brad and Angelina) eons to get divorced, Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos and his wife of over 25 years MacKenzie Bezos wasted no time. It took them just under three months and a few rumored peen pics to finalize what, at $137 BILLION, may be the most expensive divorce in U.S. history. Don’t worry, money doesn’t change people. They still have “great respect” and all that other dumb shit celebrities say about each other after breaking up.
Jeff Bezos And Lauren Sanchez Are Moving In Together
Faster than an Amazon Prime package arrives, Jeff Bezos is ready to share a roof with Lauren Sanchez, the woman who he may or may not have cheated his wife MacKenzie Bezos with. Now that everyone knows the married (but not to each other) duo have been doing each other and have “same day delivery” as their safe phrase, it appears they’re moving in together.
Jeff Bezos And Lauren Sanchez Are “Madly” In Love
The only reason the Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos divorce is any fun at all is because it substitutes as a lottery fantasy. Because trust me, there are probably at least 12 average middle-aged dudes in the process of divorcing their wives in your town or city right now. Pick one; that dude has probably also texted his new girlfriend pictures of his dick using the same phone he FaceTimes his kids on. Nobody gives a shit about that loser. But Jeff is SO RICH that when People reports that his relationship with Lauren Sanchez, his new girlfriend whom he may or may not cheated with, is “stronger than ever” and “they’re madly in love.” I feel a hot nugget of envy well up in my gut. OVER JEFF BEZOS! I pass this dude on the street, every mother-loving day. He’s walking the family labradoodle, wearing a Patagonia fleece vest, and listening to Radiolab on his ear pods. Absolutely NOT interested. But Jeff, Jeff is so rich.
Jeff Bezos May Have A Big Dick, And He Denies Cheating Again
This Jeff Bezos divorce story is definitely snowballing right on schedule, which is immediately. Divorce is messy, and this is the most expensive divorce in history. Win big, lose hard, I guess? …Speaking of things that are big and hard: it’s now being reported that Jeff Bezos has a big dick. Yup, we all knew this saga would eventually crash into DickPicVille.
Jeff And MacKenzie Bezos Didn’t Have A Prenup, And His Wandering Peen May Be The Reason Why They’re Divorcing
Delicately-crafted lion floret Jocelyn Wildenstein currently holds the record for getting the biggest divorce settlement in history with a total of $3.8 billion (although she’s pretty much cash broke now and had to replace her usual kitty litter of crushed diamonds with Tidy Cats). But MacKenzie Bezos, wife of the richest man in the world, is easily going to take down that record, and she’s reportedly got some major ammunition in the form of loads that Jeff Bezos shot up into his side piece.
The direct opposite of shocking is that a 54-year-old billionaire cheated on his wife of 25 years. But what is shocking is that Jeff Bezos has been accused of cheating on 48-year-old MacKenzie with just one side ho (although, I just clicked one-day shipping while ordering a steel umbrella from Amazon, because I’m sure many, many side hos are going to fall from the sky). What also is shocking is that Jeff hasn’t been accused of cheating with a 20-year-old Sports Illustrated model who really gets him. Jeff has been accused of cheating with his wife’s 49-year-old friend Lauren Sanchez, who I haven’t thought about since she hosted the first season of So You Think You Can Dance in 2005.