And The Fourth Runner-Up In The Miss Rebel Alliance Pageant Is…

Not Kirsten Dunst! You think that sad excuse for a Death Star costume would take her anywhere close to the top 5? They don’t give crowns to lazy tricks who wrap a Star Wars bed sheet around them and call it a day. You gotta WERK if you wanna steal the title from Khloe Kardashian (who wins every year with her flawlessly realistic Wookie costume).

Betty Draper-in-training wore a dress from Rodarte’s Star Wars-themed fall 2014 collection, but I’m so disappointed she picked the safest one. If there’s any event where it’s ok to dress like a goddamn mistake-humping disaster, it’s the Met Gala. She should have picked the one where C-3P0 is popping out of the sand to guard your pussy against Jawas, and paired it with an R2-D2 helmet. Hell, she could have written RETURN OF THE JEDI on her face in red lipstick, and she still wouldn’t have been the most questionable-looking one there (is everything okay, David Burtka??).

But that’s assuming she even knows what Star Wars is, which I don’t for a second believe she does (because if she did, she’d know you’d NEVER wear something that glamorized the Galactic Empire oh god I’m such a loser). Kiki’s only concept of Star Wars is probably limited to what she saw after drunkenly wandering into Star Tours at Disneyland, and I’m sure that when someone asked her about her dress she was like “I’m a total nerd! I love Star Wars, I’ve probably seen it 400 times. My favorite character? Probably Spock or Gandalf. ‘Use the force, Harry!’ OMG I’m such a geek.”

Pics: Splash

Kirsten Dunst Is Back With Her Thoughts On The Casting Couch

The last time we checked in with The Fanged One, she was explaining that in order to avoid an all-expenses paid trip to Divorce Court, a woman needs to put on her frilliest pink party dress and find a guy who moonlights at Medieval Times as a knight or something (that’s pretty much all my brain was able to process from that interview before throwing up its hands and saying “Fuck this, I’m out”). And now Kirsten Dunst is back with more KD Brain Farts, this time regarding casting couches, and  particularly how if you end up on one, it’s because you were probably a slut to begin with. Why do I get the feeling that I’ll be using this gif of Donna Meagle very soon?

In an interview with Sofia Coppola for W Magazine, Kirsten was asked if she ever felt pressured by creepy directors to suck or fuck her way to a better role, a sleazy practice that is almost as common in Hollywood as nose jobs and Tom Cruise wife auditions.

“No [laughs]. I don’t give off that vibe. I think that you court that stuff, and to me it’s crossing a boundary that would hinder the trust in your working relationship.”

So, let me get this straight – basically she’s saying is that if you find yourself in a casting couch situation, it’s because you were asking for it? Oh, I’ll take that Donna Meagle gif right about now. This one too. Look, I don’t want to lobby accusations of being not-smart at people I don’t know personally (“Bitch please” – my brain), but Kirsten is veering off the road of not-smart into the oncoming traffic of fucking stupid. You don’t have to put out a “vibe” to get asked to take a seat on the casting couch. Hell, Gwyneth Paltrow received an invitation to the casting couch, and the only “vibe” she puts out is an uncomfortable icy chill. And is she trying to suggest that she books jobs based on talent? Oh, please have several seats.

Here’s more of Kirsten in W, and maybe she doesn’t give off “that vibe”, but thanks to photographer Juergen Teller, she’s giving off some do-not-want Crime Scene Barbie vibes in that first photo.

Kirsten Dunst Thinks That A Relationship Only Works If The Woman Acts Like A Wifey

Better make some room at the boardroom table of the Tee Hee, What’s Feminism? Association (their mission statement is a wink and a sexy giggle), because it looks like we’ve got a new member! Following in the footsteps of other real-life Malibu Stacy dolls, such as Lady Gaga and Naya Rivera, Kirsten Dunst has come forward in an interview with Harper’s Bazaar UK to explain what she thinks makes for a successful relationship:

“I feel like the feminine has been a little undervalued. We all have to get our own jobs and make our own money, but staying at home, nurturing, being the mother, cooking—it’s a valuable thing my mom created. And sometimes, you need your knight in shining armor. I’m sorry. You need a man to be a man and a woman to be a woman. That’s why relationships work.”

Daywalker, PLEASE have several seats. Relationships work when you find that very special someone who doesn’t make you constantly roll your eyes or drive you to drink the cheap shit, and it has nothing to do with putting on a pair of heels and June Cleaver-ing around the house with a plate of cookies. So, no thank you. I’ll keep being me. For example: I’m really good at fixing shit and using tools (ie. what Kirsten would consider “eww…man work”). But apparently, I’ll never find my knight in shining armor because I’m not “being a woman”. I can re-wire a light socket and assemble anything from IKEA in less than 10 minutes without instructions, but it doesn’t matter because I don’t have a husband to open my pickle jars for me. Boo + hoo.

And I guess this means anyone in a same-sex relationship is totally fucked then. Are you a butch lesbian in a relationship with another butch lesbian? Bad news: one of you is going to have to cut up your Home Depot rewards card and trade in your flannel and become a rose-scented Stepford Wife, otherwise your relationship is DOOMED!

Here’s more of Kiki in Harper’s Bazaar UK dressed like a fairytale princess who’s thinking about all the different pot roasts she plans on cooking for her hubby:

Who Wore It Better?

I declared to myself that Julianne Moore could do no wrong when I watched her tearfully cry out, “I sucked other men’s cocks,” in Magnolia, but she has done wrong for the first time in the history of forever.

At the Bvlgari Celebration of Elizabeth Taylor’s Jewelry Collection in Beverly Hills last night, the ginger goddess wore a $6 million diamond and emerald necklace that Richard Burton gave to La Liz during the shooting of Cleopatra in Rome. Some source tells People that when Julianne walked into the room, everybody including Drew Barrymore, Kiki Dunst, Naomi Watts and Marisa Tomei stopped to stare at the necklace. Yeah, the entire room pressed pause, because they couldn’t believe that Julianne wore that necklace with daytime hair, a red dress and beige heels. Who wears that necklace with beige heels?!

Who ever styled Julianne did her ass wrong in the worst way possible. The only way to wear that necklace is to wear it with a headdress made of hypodermic needles, e-cigarettes and an FTD bouquet.

That necklace just doesn’t shine on Julianne Moore the same way it shined on Elizabeth Taylor. But maybe that’s because Lindsay Lohan snatched the real one and replaced it with a replica made of beer bottle glass and Barbie earrings. That’s probably the real case.

What In The Hell Kind Of GD Outfit Is This?

Kristen Stewart wore this to a screening of On the Road in NYC in December and my first reaction is best expressed through Brit Brit’s side-eye/head turn/barf face (which is the same face she makes whenever Daddy Spears has to use store brand cheese instead of Velveeta in his signature grits):

For once, Kristen Stewart has a really good reason for looking like someone just farted in her bong and smoked up her stash right in front of her. That mess on KStew’s body might work as a beach cover-up on Annette  Funicello in the 60s, but it is not working on KStew. I mean, I love see-through, I love neon jizz splatters, I love grandma’s girdle panties and I love primetime hooker shoes from the 80s, but I don’t like them together and I really don’t like them together on KStew. That shit looks like melted dot candy. It’s a Rorschach test made with puffy paint.

Well, but at least Kristen Dunst learned that if she ever wants to look hot, she just has to stand next to KStew wearing this mess.

Kristen Stewart’s Boyfriend Loves To Lick Her Armpits

Why don’t you let that headline marinate deep within the crevices of your brain before we really get into it. By that I mean, keep a cup of bleach nearby, because you will want to cleanse the sucio thoughts from your brain by pouring Clorox directly into your ear before shaking your head around. I think the exact medical term is called brain gargling.

I see Kristen Stewart wiped off the scarlet A (short for A Sparkle-Hating Slut Whore Skank Harlot Slow-Faced Puta Trampire) the crazed Twihards scribbled on her forehead when she was passed out in a weed-induced coma of woe. KStew’s handlers flea dipped her, shoved her into a dress and told her to put on a damage control smile before they pushed her out onto the red carpet brick pathway to pose with Kiki Dunst and Garrett Hedlund at the TIFF premiere of On The Road. I know, you almost didn’t recognize KStew without Rupert Sanders’ face all up in her box. KStew rarely ever uses the lazy muscles in her face to crack a smile and now I know why. Because when ho smiles, she looks like she’s about to save Esmerelda from Frollo.

And wrap your fingers around a cup of bleach, because we’re getting into the fuckery behind that headline now. British Vogue’s Christa D’Souza interviewed KStew (click here for scans of that mess of an interview) a month before the pictures of her farting into Rupert’s crotch came out. A week after the interview, Christa ran into KStew at some event and had to keep the laughs from pouring out of her nostrils when KStew drooled out this line (via ONTD & iSubscribe):

“My God, I’m so in love with my boyfriend. I wish he were here now. I think I want to have his babies. I love the way he smells. And him me. Like, he loves to lick under my armpits.”

Either bitch was stoned as hell or she’s being sarcastic or a little of both. Whatever the case may be, I still didn’t need the image of a dude slurping up KStew’s pit syrup. Since KStew barely spends time in a shower, you know licking her pits is like munching on a hobo’s musty ass in the middle of a wet sauna. Like giving head to a wet fart. Just several layers of sweaty NO all on your tongue. I just want to rub a deodorant stick all over that quote to get the stank out. So fuck KStew for giving me that image, because I really didn’t need that today.

But since KStew had to go there, she needs to specify which boyfriend she was talking about. Because I need to know if RPattz’s new nickname is Pit Licker Pattinson or is Rupert Sanders’ new nickname Rupit Licker? Please clarify, you dirty bitch!