Lars Von Trier Got Banned From Cannes For Joking About Being A Nazi

The typhoon of swastika-shaped shits that blew out of Lars Von Trier’s mouth during a press conference for his movie Melancholia has gotten him a kick in the culo and a place on the curb outside of Cannes. After Lars Von Trier jokingly declared himself a Hitler sympathizer, the organizer for the Cannes Film Festival hit him with a BYE BITCH and told him to go on his way. They stamped this statement on his one-way ticket back to Dumbassville:

The Festival de Cannes provides artists from around the world with an exceptional forum to present their works and defend freedom of expression and creation. The Festival’s Board of Directors, which held an extraordinary meeting this Thursday 19 May 2011, profoundly regrets that this forum has been used by Lars Von Trier to express comments that are unacceptable, intolerable, and contrary to the ideals of humanity and generosity that preside over the very existence of the Festival.

The Board of Directors firmly condemns these comments and declares Lars Von Trier a persona non grata at the Festival de Cannes, with effect immediately.

Melancholia is still in competition and still eligible for the top prize.

Above is the video of Lars tripping all over his verbal slivers of hard caca. Nazi jokes are only for professionals! But the best part of this video is the amazing and priceless facial expressions coming from Kiki Dunst. Never before have I seen someone try so hard to shapeshift into a ball gag with Lars’ name on it. To say that Kiki would rather be getting her snag tooth ripped out by a dentist with the shakes is an understatement.

OK, Lars Von Trier Is A Nazi!

I just watched a video of a Memphis Animal Services employee dump live puppies into a trash can without trying to find them homes, so whatever operates the emotion in my system labeled “offended” is completely out of power. Not that I’d be offended by Lars Von Trier’s words if I could. It’s hard to take the incoherent ramblings of a crazy person seriously (<— what most bitches say after reading this blog).

During a press conference at Cannes for his movie Melancholia, filmmaker Lars Von Trier let out a heavy stream of verbal diarrhea about Nazis, Israel, Hitler and…well…I’ll just let him take it from here.

“I really wanted to be a Jew, and then I found out that I was really a Nazi, because, you know, my family was German. Which also gave me some pleasure. What can I say? I understand Hitler, but I think he did some wrong things, yes, absolutely. But I can see him sitting in his bunker in the end. He’s not what you would call a good guy, but I understand much about him, and I sympathize with him a little bit. But come on, I’m not for the Second World War, and I’m not against Jews. …

I am very much for Jews. No, not too much, because Israel is a pain in the ass. How can I get out of this sentence? OK, I’m a Nazi.”

Instead of saying he’s a Nazi, an easier way of getting out of that sentence would be to stick his foot further down his mouth until his toes stuck out of his ass. Then Lars wouldn’t have been able to say what he said next:

“I don’t have so much to say, so I kind of have to improvise a little and just to let the feelings I have kind of come out into words. This whole Nazi thing, I don’t know where it came from, but you spend a lot of time in Germany, you sometimes want to feel a little free and just talk about this shit, you know?”

The Associated Press says that at this point, one of Melancholia’s stars, Kiki Dunst, leaned over and told Lars that “this is terrible.” Kiki later told the press, “He likes to run his mouth. I think he dug himself in a deep hole today.”

Yup, and lounging at the bottom of that hole is John Galliano, throwing Lars a seductive come hither look. One way to threaten Galliano with a good time is to declare that you’re a Nazi.

Here’s Lars Von Hitler with Kiki, Charlotte Gainsbourg and John Hurt at the Melancholia photo call yesterday.

What A Difference A Year Makes

This time last year, Vanilla Gorilla was making the award show rounds with Sandra Bullock, right before the Bombshit McGee hit the fan, and here he is back in his monkey suite with Kat Von D at the The Art of Elysium charity gala in L.A. last night. And Vanilla Gorilla still looks like he’s in the middle of an embalming fluid colonic and the technician is like, “HOLD IT IN!!!” Just uncomfortable as all hell.

Kat Von D, wearing a dress so tight I can see the outline of her labia tattoo, is all over his ass and he’s just standing there as stiff as an Alfred Hitchcock silhouette poster hanging over a hillbilly’s trailer toilet. It’s like he’d rather be at temple than in front of the camera. But not Kat Von D. Bitch is loving it. She wants you to talk about the ring on her LOOKIMNOTENGAGEDIMJUSTLOOKINGFORFUCKINGATTENTION finger. Moving on…

You know, The Art of Elysium gala should have temporarily changed its name to the Art of Asylum gala, because bitches looked straight-up CRAZY last night. Julia Stiles was greasy and bloated for no reason. Unless her reason is that she’s pregnant with a pizza slice from Chuck E. Cheese. Seriously, you can wring out a slice of Chuck E. Cheese pizza and have enough lube to last night you the rest of the year.

But nobody brought the crazy last night the way Rachel Griffiths (below left) did. Rachel was in Six Feet Under, so she usually gets a free pass from me, but I cannot ignore this disaster. Bitch, Jane Child (below right), YOU ARE NOT.

Leave the frizzy Beeker mullets to the professionals! Rachel was definitely trying to summon the second coming of Jane Child, but she looked more like Billy Ray Cyrus at his audition for the role of Magua in The Last of the Mohicans. Rachel, meditate more or fire your hair stylist so this never happens again.

Here’s a few others at last night’s event including: Kat Von D with VG, Rachel Ray Cyrus with her husband Andrew Taylor, DEVO!!!!, Eva Mendes, Kiki Dunst, Rachel Bilson, Leighton Meester, Nicole Richie, Amber Heard, James Franco, Camilla Belle with Jakey, Julia Stiles, Gerard Butler, Jennifer Hate Hewitt and Kelly Osbourne.

Kiki Dunst Has A Stalker Too

What the fuck is wrong with the crazy people of this world? Bryan Adams has stalkers (see below) and now Kiki Dunst has one too. Crazy people aren’t discriminating.

Yesterday in Los Angeles, Kiki was granted a restraining order against some dude named Christopher Smith. Christopher has tried to break into her house several times. He was arrested last week after he tried to get into her vampire cavern for the fifth time. He was stopped by Kiki’s personal assistant who performed a citizen’s arrest on him.

I always wanted to do that shit! The next time I spot a hot dude doing something mildly illegal like smoking in a non-smoking area, I’m going to scream “CITIZEN’S ARREST!” Then I’m going to make him spread it so that I can frisk him for any dangerous weapons. Then I will ask him if he finds me attractive. If he says yes, I will inform him that I must perform a breathalyzer on him because it’s standard procedure. I will assure him that it won’t hurt a bit, because I’ve had a special breathalyzer system installed in my mouth. Then he’ll have to take off his pants. Performing a citizen’s arrest is better than Craigslist!

Anyway, 25-year-old Christopher Smith told the court that he’s in love with her and connects with her spiritually. He went on to say, “I felt like I connected with her and she connected with me. Now I don’t know if she did. I guess you have to ask her if she connected.”

This dude ain’t right. I have the perfect solution for Kiki’s situation. Obviously, this dude has a strange obsession with wet marshmallows. Kiki should just send him a giant bag of soggy Kraft Jet-Puffed Marshmallows with a little baby tooth and scraggly blonde wig attached to it. He won’t know the difference.

That should keep his creepy ass busy for a few a years.

Source: AHN

Fighting Over The Mac Dude

When you find yourself fighting over The Mac Dude, it’s time to roll up your genitals and call it a day. That’s what Drew Barrymore and Kiki Dunst need to do. Some nosy ho told OK! Magazine that the two were bitchy towards each other backstage at SNL and also at the after-party. Drew used to do gross things with Justin Long and Kiki recently did nasty things with him. Kiki denies it but we know she’s a lying sack of unsifted flour.

Drew was at SNL to watch her friend Pizza Face Diaz in one of the skits. Kiki was there to support her Spider-Man co-star James Franco, who hosted the show A source said: “Drew and Kirsten had a really awkward run-in. James had to deflect the situation by making a joke and walking away with Kirsten while Drew then fumed about it to Cameron.” Did James make a joke about wanting to lick the foundation off of Zac Efron’s taint, because that’s not a joke.

At the after-party, the tension between Drew and Kiki was still there. The nosy ho said: “Both Drew and Kirsten were there. But Kirsten didn’t want to be near her, so they stayed far away from each other the entire night.”

Damn. These two are both boring ass faces. Stay away from each other? Doesn’t Drew know that when you’re in the same room as your ex-boyfriend’s current eff buddy, you’re supposed to call her a cunt and then pour a pitcher of beer over her head. That’s standard practice.

Here’s more of Kiki’s uncooked flapjack face and Drew Barrymore on Saturday night. There were a few other scraggly celebrities there including Juno and Chace Crawford from “Gossip Girl.” Drew ended up leaving with Chace. That’s right, Drew. Forget your troubles with a little lesbionic action.

They Grow Up So Fast

It seems like it was just yesterday that little Dakota Fanning was reading a story to Sean Penn, and now here she is looking all gummy and grown up at the NYC premiere of her movie “Hounddog.” The movie where she has a rape scene…. The room suddenly got all quiet and uncomfortable. Umm….moving on..

It’s nice to see a 14-year-old actually looking her age instead of looking like middle-aged Long Island housewife who lives a double life as a day-shift stripper. I’m talking to you, Ali Lohan.

The premiere rought out some hot pieces like Piper Laurie and Robin Wright Penn. It also brought out a stale marshmallow who goes by the name of Kiki Dunst. Would it seriously kill her to take a bath? A dry bath even? She should at least cover herself with baking powder. She probably smells. She looks like a secretary from the 70s who spent all night sleeping on the Staten Island ferry.