Miley Cyrus & Jeremy Piven Are Best Friends Forever

You’d think that Miley Cyrus’ Ma’s Roadhouse voice would prevent her from spending quality time with Jeremy Piven since it has the power to sand an old plug right out of a scalp, but the two have overcome this obstacle! Jeremy realized that he should make a friendship bracelet (out of fish bones and toupee hair) for Miley when the two bonded while filming So Undercover in New Orleans. Miley was just voted for the worst celebrity influence of 2010 for the second year in a row, so Jeremy better watch it before she completely corrupts his forever innocent ass (“Jeremy’s ass isn’t that innocent.” – a traumatized butt plug).

While promoting one of his movies at Sundance last night, Jeremy told E! News that he thinks he’s an 18-year-old girl trapped in a douchebag, “I think I must be an 18-year-old girl because we got along really well. It was just so much fun. I had so much fun with her and we had great chemistry. It was really really weird—we’re like polar opposites. You know, you can judge her, but what were you doing when you were 18? She’s kind of amazing. There’s something so incredibly refreshing about someone who is exactly who they are. There’s nothing pretentious about her. She’s this force. She loves to laugh.”

“She loves to laugh” is the G-rated translation for “She loves to hit the bong.” I love to laugh too. You know, Jeremy has had so much 18-year-old girl DNA on his body that he probably is turning into one, which is why he feels so close to Miley. But seriously, Jeremy knows where the party’s at. On a given night at the Cyrus house, you can find Billy Ray spraying moonshine from a keg at Tish during their family wet t-shirt contest while Noah plays Khia’s “Been the Shit” on a banjo! Jeremy wants in! It’s a shame that Doucheville isn’t a foreign country, because if it was the Cyrus’ could take him in as their exchange student.

Still Waxing Those Nipples

With all the half-nekkid celebwhores running around during Memorial Day Weekend, I was hoping we’d get a little Silver Fox nipple in our lives, or maybe a peek of Carrot Top’s root. But I don’t think that’s going to happen, so we’ll have to settle for mercury poison survivor Jeremy Piven and his tear-away titties for now.

You know, there’s a good reason for why Jeremy Piven asks his butt waxer to do his whole body. Where do you think that beaver’s ass (copyright: Sister Patterson) comes from? It not only looks like nipple pubes and nalgas fur, it IS nipple pubes and nalgas fur.

And yeah, I still would…

Soy Milk Gave Jeremy Piven Chichis

Jeremy Piven needs to go back to the first grade so he can learn all about The Food Chart again, because dude does not know how to balance his diet. Jeremy already claims that eating too many sea kittens gave him Mercury Poisining. Now he’s saying that drinking massive amounts of soy milk has given him a pair of luscious moobs.

Jeremy told STV (via Digital Spy), “I was the guy that dabbled in soya milk, but now I’ve found out soya milk has enough estrogen for me to grow breasts, I had to put the soya milk down. It was a very confusing time.”

It’s strange to me that Jeremy Piven would NOT want a pair of delectable titty sacks. I mean, that way he could grope a pair of breasts without being slapped or having to put a few hundred dollars on the nightstand. I don’t believe he put down the soy milk.

You just know that Jeremy is secretly giving himself soy leche enemas and bathing in it whenever he can. Jeremy has found the FOUNTAIN OF CHICHIS and he’s going to take complete advantage of it.

In other news, Christina Hendricks has just been announced as the official spokeschichis for soy milk.

Teri Snatcher Is A World-Class Athlete!

Okay, not a “world-class” athlete, but she is a “Malibu-class” athlete, because she completed a triathlon there this past weekend. When Teri Snatcher crossed the finish line, her mom, The Snapple Lady, immediately gave her a congratulatory nuzzle. Or maybe Teri smelled like a tuna melt and her momma was trying to get a good whiff. Who knows!

Other celebwhores who took part in the Malibu Triathlon were William H. Macy (who was there for an Emmy), Mario Lopez (who was there because he needed another excuse to take his top off), Jeremy Piven (who was there for the fish) and The Hoff (who was there for the…for the…why was he there?).

And I’m pleased to announce that next year I will host the first annual Dlisted triathalon! Booze, bong and blow your way to victory!

Would You Hit It?

Jeremy Piven is so brave. After nearly DYING (not really) from the fish flu (aka mercury poisoning), Jeremy brought his deflated titties out to hang out near the fish. No, I’m not talking about the trick he’s with, I’m talking about him being so close to the ocean.

You know, Jeremy needs to calm down on the waxing shit. I know he wants a chest as smooth as a baby’s taint, but it looks like he’s going too far. I mean, some of his chest skin is missing! Bitch is waxing it right off! And his chichis look mighty weepy, because they are sick of being nekkid all the time. They want some damn privacy.

That being said, I’d hit that shit in a tub full of NADS. WELL, Jeremy Piven is the most popular guess of many kinky blind items, so I’d want to see if that shit is true. Call it investigative reporting!

Jeremy Piven Can’t Take A Fish Joke

I love a good bitch fight, but this is not one. This is kind of sad. Just picture tiny Chris Kattan and little Jeremy Piven barking at each other backstage at Alexa Chung’s MTV show. Gatecrasher reports that it all started when Chris rolled in on his Big Wheel, skipped up to Jeremy and said, “So, what are you here to promote, your Broadway play?” Of course, Chris was making fun of how Jeremy dropped out of a play, because he ate too much fish. Jeremy wasn’t about to let Chris ZING him like that, so he put down his dolly and fired back, “Well, what are you here to promote? Mango?” BURN! Grab your lunchbox and take a seat, because it’s about to be a TODDLER FIGHT!

The two went back and forth for a little bit, but shit got real when Jeremy delivered a low blow by making fun of Chris’ “in the gutter” career. That’s when Chris realized that Jeremy wasn’t playing around, but that he was doing that shit for real. Chris called a time out and told Jeremy that he was just making harmless fish jokes. It wasn’t not funny (copryright Tammy from The Real World: Los Angeles) to Jeremy. Before grabbing his dolly and going off to sulk in a corner, he shouted at Chris, “I’m getting sued for that shit! It’s not funny!”

15 minutes later, Chris tried to say he was sorry about the whole thing, but Jeremy wouldn’t listen and shut the door in his face! Jeremy’s spokeswhore laughed off the whole thing and said he knew it was just jokes. But Chris’ spokeswhore said something totally different: “Chris mistakenly asked Jeremy if he was there to promote his play and Piven fired back with ‘What are you here to promote, Mango?’ Chris tried to apologize.”

Okay, okay. I take it back. This is a good bitch fight. It’s also pretty fucking hilarious. It’s like watching my chihuahua growl and snarl at his stuffed toy like he’s really ferocious. It makes you go “awwww” in the heart. The same goes with Chris and Jeremy. If only they were wearing little elf costumes. Then it would really be cute. And I’m surprised this fight when on that long. It would be pretty easy to break it up. Someone over 5’7″ just had to walk over pick them both up by the collars and then plop ’em back in the sandbox with their toys.