Jeremy Piven Is Offering To Take A Lie Detector Test To Prove The Assault Stories Are False

I come from the Maury Povich School of Truth where I believe almost every issue can be solved with a lie detector test and the words “The results are IN.” My personal favorite application for a polygraph is to out a cheater, but they can be used for other, more serious situations. Like attempting to prove you’re not a serial sexual assaulter. That’s exactly what Jeremy Piven wants, and he’s volunteered to take a lie detector test.

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Jeremy Piven Denies Groping Ariane Bellmar On The Set Of “Entourage”

Jeremy Piven recently joined the ever-growing list of Hollywood men accused of illegal grossness after actress and former Playboy Playmate Ariane Bellmar accused him of groping her at the Playboy mansion and in his trailer on the set of Entourage. Unlike, let’s say, Kevin Spacey, who countered gross accusations with, “If I did it, I guess I was drunk?“, Jeremy Piven has a much more black-and-white response. He swears it didn’t happen.

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An Actress Claims Jeremy Piven Groped Her On The Set Of “Entourage”

On Monday, actress and former Playboy Playmate Ariane Bellmar hopped on Twitter with her own #MeToo story of sexual assault. Hers involves Jeremy Piven. I guess we’re starting to make our way into the less-surprising bracket of assault allegations.

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Just Like All Legends Do, The Slut Dress Has Reinvented Itself Once Again

After doing some soul-searching in India and Tibet, and finding itself with the help of the Dalai Lama and Demi Moore, The Slut Dress has come back to Hollywood with a new lease on life. The Slut Dress knows that the 90s are back, so it reinvented itself as the dress version of the Showgirls poster. Elegant inspiration for an elegant dress.

The new and improved Slut Dress mades it grand return on the body of maybe Wonder Woman Jaimie Alexander at the premiere of Thor: Dark World in Hollywood last night. Jaimie plays Lady Sif in that shit. The Slut Dress will now make its way through the bodies of Hollywood and it’ll make its final appearance on the body of some low-level Bravo reality shit show (I’m thinking MJ from Shahs of Sunset) star before it ends up wadded-up at the bottom of the last-call bin at the Off 5th outlet in Cabazon. Then it’ll reinvent itself all over again! It’s good to have your ass back, Slut Dress.

Jaimie Alexander is a classy flower to watch, because I’m all about an exquisite trick who steals the spotlight from Loki by letting everyone there know that the only thing separating them from her (NSFWish) smiling shaved snatch is a thin piece of black fabric. Flaunt that ass cheek, bitch, and work it like your Mazda payment is overdue and Sonia from Operación Repo just pulled up behind it.

Here’s some other hos (including Loki, Thor, Anthony Hopkins and Kat Dennings) at last night’s premiere.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

This Does Not Amuse Courtney Love

At last night’s 12-12-12 benefit show for Hurricane Sandy relief, Krist Novoselic, Dave Grohl, a crushed velvet shirt and Pat Smear reunited to play a new song with Paul McCartney. I know, tacky whores. Instead of getting Paul McCartney, they should’ve used a Kurt Cobain hologram. Sadly, they didn’t play “Rape Me” and dedicate it to Heather Mills and her lawyers. They sang a new song called “Cut Me Some Slack.” Cut some slack is not something that Courtney Love’s crazy ass is interested in doing.

TMZ says that Courtney Love took a break from making antique wedding dresses out of used crack foil and opened her yap hole to spill out a stream of hate over Paul McCartney singing with the surviving members of Nirvana. Since the inside of Courtney Love’s head is an empty playground of delusion, she thinks she’s the voice of Nirvana and wasn’t amused that Paul was singing with them. Courtney doesn’t like that Dave called it a “Nirvana reunion,” because Kurt was the beating heart of the band and without him, Nirvana can never exist again. Courtney didn’t like that the idea of Paul singing with Nirvana and thinks John Lennon would’ve been better.

I’m actually shocked that Courtney Love didn’t break into Yoko Ono’s apartment, steal John Lennon’s ashes (that’s if Yoko didn’t turned Lennon’s ashes into a diamond charm for her labia ring) and then rush the stage at the 12-12-12 concert to spread ’em while Nirvana and Paul McCartney played. That would’ve been more entertaining than that “Cut Me Some Slack” song. But I am here for that crushed velvet shirt.

Here’s a few pictures of the tricks and tramps who overdressed (see: Blake NotSoLively and Katie Holmes) to pose at the 12-12-12 concert in NYC last night. In order: Blake, Chelsea Clinton, Cristal Connors, Jeremy Piven, the robot formerly known as Stepford Katie, Susan Sarandon and Tony Danza.

Jeremy Piven’s Head Skills Suck

Sarah Tressler is a professional pussy poppin’ stripper who works as a society columnist for the Houston Chronicle by day, and her colleagues are apparently all kinds of pissed at her, because she openly writes about her night job on her blog Diary of an Angry Stripper (book deal + HBO series in 3..2..). Diary of an Angry Stripper is now private, but thanks to Gawker and Google cache, your eyes can still eat pieces of it here.

In one of her posts, Sarah writes about how interviewing certified douche Jeremy Piven for UsWeekly led to his tongue putting her pussy to sleep. Sarah worked as an intern for UsWeekly and one of their reporters sent her to a club in NYC to ask him a bunch of stupid questions. Before this, Sarah says that she wet dreamed about smearing her coochie all over The Piv’s canned hair while watching Entourage once. So when Sarah had the chance to hit that, she took it. When Sarah got to his apartment, she started to make small talk before The Piv shushed her up by letting her know that he wasn’t interested in getting into her brain. And then, he went down:

GIVE ME THE GREEN LIGHT … GIVE ME JUST ONE NIGHT – I’M READY TO GO RIGHT NOW

This is a good song, I thought as his head maneuvered somewhere below my waist. I was kind of also watching TV – a football game was on mute – and finally starting to come to the realization that John Legend was worth all the hype he was getting at the Sundance Film Festival the previous year.

Sex with someone new is always awkward[6], and sex with someone new who’s also the object of my celebrity schoolgirl desire is very awkward and not enjoyable, no matter how much I want it to be. I alternated between being nervous that I was not as hot as his last hookup, being amazed that I was looking at Entourage’s Ari Gold eat my pussy, and being bored with how mundane it was. It was all somewhat disappointing, frankly.

To make matters worse, I caused a minor accident that could have been disastrous. I get a bit lively when I’m being intimate, and I threw a pillow off to the side at one point, which landed on the nightstand. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a flash of light.

“Jeremy! The candle – !”

Candlelight is so cliché, anyway.

It’s not surprising to hear that Jeremy Piven has the Ambien of tongues, but it is surprising to hear that he actually licks chocha. Here I was thinking that Jeremy Piven is a selfish slut who only cares about getting his. I pictured him transforming into a Russian gymnast coach during fuck times and yelling orders like, “Lick this! Suck this! Bite this! Hop on this! Twerk this! Don’t yank at the head rug!” I’m not sure I believe this. The Piv doesn’t care about the pleasure of others! Did Sarah have a full Brazilian at the time? If she didn’t, then I know what he was up to. That wasn’t his tongue on her crotch, that was a waxing strip and he was just collecting her pubes to make a toupee! That’s the real story.

That being said, Sarah should have her vagina checked for mercury just in case….

And to clear the image in your head of The Piv putting a pussy to sleep, here’s a palate cleanser in the form of the other kind of pussy sleeping: