Category: Jenny McCarthy
Surprise! Someone Actually Gave Jenny McCarthy Another Job
When Jenny McCarthy pretended that she was “leaving” The View because someone with a damp washcloth for a brain gave her dumb ass a job, I assumed her next gig would be either an uncredited cameo in an online yogurt commercial or co-hosting a Canadian reality show (it’s possible; Canada proved there’s no obnoxious Hollywood has-been too Z-list when they gave The Deaner a show). So you can imagine how far my jaw dropped when I learned that Jenny McCarthy landed an actual legitimate job.
EW says that SiriusXM announced this morning that the XM in their name stands for X-treme Morons by confirming that they’ve given Jenny McCarthy her own radio show. Dirty, Sexy, Funny with Jenny McCarthy will have a limited run beginning July 16th and will be a weekly, hour-long series. The show will also be live, because what did I just say about Sirius being x-treme morons? Jenny McCarthy, who is probably just as shocked as the rest of us that she managed to score a job that doesn’t involve sucking off e-cigs, released a statement confirming that only Sherri Shepherd will be collecting unemployment checks from ABC:
“It’s no secret that I love to talk. I’m excited to do it on SiriusXM without having to interrupt anyone or keep things clean. You can bet your sweet ass this show will live up to its title.”
So SiriusXM had to fire one shit-for-brains for being a dumb loudmouth and now they’ve gone and hired another shit-for-brains who they’ll no doubt end up firing for being a dumb loudmouth. I’m sure a SiriusXM intern is re-writing the press release apology as we speak. “Should I change ‘hate-filled remarks’ to ‘irresponsible remarks about vaccines’ or just leave it blank and see what she farts out on the 16th?”
And because a bitch always needs a fall-back plan, here’s Jenny hosting a pool party at the Palazzo Hotel in Las Vegas on Friday.
Jenny McCarthy And Sherri Shepherd Are Still Acting Like They Weren’t Fired From “The View”
ABC gave pink slips to Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd nearly two weeks ago, but this morning all the noisy chickens were back from vacation and they finally got to talk about it on The View. Lead hen Whoopi Goldberg kicked off the squawking by announcing that there was a “giant neon pink gorilla” in the room that needed to be addressed, and Jenny pretended that she didn’t get fired for being a dumb vaccination-denying bowl of soggy Waffle Crisp cereal and that she chose to move on and bla bla bla. She also sort of hinted that she got another job, which means that Jenny McCarthy scored a lucrative zero-figures deal with herself to film a series of YouTube videos in her living room while folding socks on the couch.
And then there was Sherri.
If there was any doubt that Sherri’s brain is literally a broken pile of stale store-brand Pop Tarts, watching her try to push out some salty ones while dramatically explaining why she chose to leave The View should all but confirm it:
“I’m a woman of faith and seven in the Bible is the number of God’s completion. I’ve been here seven years, and my time at The View is complete.”
Sherri, please do me a favour and open your Bible to 1 Corinthians and find the verse that says “I command thee to pull up a chair and have a fucking seat.” OF COURSE this dramatic bitch would bust out some “the Bible made me do it” talk. Maybe she’ll also blame it on The Bible when a judge asks her why she isn’t forking over any child support for her surrogate baby. “I’m sorry your honor, but I am a woman of faith, and I believe Jesus says somewhere in The Bible that I don’t have to pay child support. Amen?”
Everybody But Whoopi Got Fired From The View
ABC has finally come to the realization that the cast of The View has the cumulative IQ of a half-digested ass corn and nobody wants to see a bunch of twat bubbles talk about current events (“I do, which is why I’m reading Dlisted right now” – you “Good point” – me). TMZ and TVLine say that there was a pink slip party at ABC today and Sherri Shepherd and Jenny McCarthy both got one (as expected), and longtime executive producer Bill Geddie is next. Since Barbara Walters has retired and is spending her days with her true love, her vibrator, Whoopi Goldberg is the only hysterical hen left in the pen and I hope it stays that way, because I’d really love it if next season was nothing but a stoned Whoopi defending all the assholes while dressed like a butch lesbian pilgrim.
2014 hasn’t been Sherri’s year. Her marriage died like her one working brain cell when she thinks about evolution, she’s fighting her husband for custody of their unborn baby and now trick is out of a job. Sherri confirmed to Deadline that The View has lost its resident science expert.
“It’s been seven wonderful years on The View and after careful consideration it is time for me to move on. I am extremely grateful to Barbara Walters and Bill Gedde for giving me the opportunity. I look forward to the business opportunities that lay ahead for me and I am incredibly grateful to my View family and my fans for supporting me on this journey.”
A source (aka Sherri) tells UsWeekly that the producers were trying to get Sherri to stay, but they couldn’t come to an agreement about money. Yeah, Sherri probably wanted 1 trillion dollars and ABC wanted to pay her a half-penny a day since that’s what her thoughts are worth.
Jenny hasn’t shat up a statement yet, but I’m sure she’ll say that it was her decision to leave The View, because she wants to spend more time fucking Donnie Wahlberg, hanging out with her ex-autistic son and she wants to devote more time to her real passion: bringing up the number on JennyMcCarthyBodyCount.com by telling everyone to stay away from vaccines.
TMZ says that ABC is thinking of adding dudes to the table next season and they’re talking to Ross Matthews and Jesse Palmer from the fifth season of The Bachelor. In other words, the executives at ABC pass around a crack pipe during their meetings about casting decisions for The View. Why doesn’t ABC just cast Grumpy Cat, Maru, Lil Bub and Boo and film them sniffing each other’s asses for an hour? I’d DVR it.
UPDATE: Jenny twatted that she’s following Sherri out the exit door.
“The View” Probably Won’t Be Renewing Jenny McCarthy’s Contract For Next Year
After only 1 year as The View’s resident screeching blonde insanity weasel, Fox 411 says that Jenny McCarthy might not be invited back to squawk with the other hens at the cheap plexiglass table next season. A source (hey Elizabeth Hasselbeck!) claims that Jenny didn’t appeal to the daytime TV crowd because she wasn’t relatable, and now that Barbara Walters has finally retired to the lanai with a mug of Postum, they can do the same with Jenny.
Show ratings have dipped slightly since McCarthy came on-board. Figures from the last two months have not been made available, but as of April 2014, numbers on The View were down by about 5 percent compared with last season. While viewership for the long-running ABC show is still at the top, CBS’s rival program The Talk has climbed 19 percent from its past season.
The producers of The View probably thought they’d hit the CBB (crazy blonde bitch) jackpot when they hired Jenny McCarthy, but she ended up being a lukewarm piece of dry white toast. I’d say that it’s going to be tough to find a replacement for her, because they need a crazy blonde bitch that won’t try to suppress the crazy, but there’s a very simple solution to their problem: hire Courtney Stodden! Bitch is blonde (check), bitch is crazy (double check), bitch has nothing better to do (unless you count tinting her nipples and trying to fight the slut on the other side of the mirror who keeps wearing her clothes). Plus, she’ll appeal to everyone at home who misses seeing an oldie at the table, since bitch looks older than Barbara.
And even though it’s still all up in the air, Jenny should just pack up her shit and apply for a job at The Talk. If those pictures from the Daytime Emmy Awards are any indication, she should feel right at home.
Donnie Wahlberg Comes Out As A Masochist By Getting Engaged To Jenny McCarthy
And just like that, thousands of psychiatrists who have never treated Donnie Wahlberg just diagnosed him with psychotic depression and severe masochism. Their evidence? He asked the silicone-brained stick of dull wax that is Jenny McCarthy to marry him.
Today on The View, a relic from the 90s that won’t go away announced to the cackling hyenas around her that she’s getting married to a relic from the 90s who can still fill the panties of 30-somethings with crotch pudding. Back peddaler Jenny McCarthy showed off the yellow sapphire and diamond ring that I hope Donnie Wahlberg bought at Claire’s, because New Kids on the Block’s only got so many reunions tours in them and he shouldn’t waste his cash on some shit that’ll be pawned off in a couple of years (I’m being generous) after the divorce. Jenny told the hysterical hens that after dating for about a year, Donnie proposed last weekend with help from her son Evan. Here’s the clip of Jenny announcing she’s getting pre-divorced and as that blonde enema full of crazy did an obnoxious “YAY” dance, the Wahlbergs all cried themselves into a giant puddle of woe. They already have one crazy in their family (see: Marky Mark) and now they’ve got two.
Somewhere, Donnie is having ear plugs surgically installed in his ear holes, because he knows that it’s the only way he’ll be able to fully deal with a crazy bitch who thought he liked dick, because he didn’t try to wet hump her two seconds after meeting her.
And Donnie has hung out with Jenny and her fellow anti-vaxxers for a year and hasn’t caught the measles yet, which tells me he’s been vaccinated, which brings a smile out of my face, because Jenny has obviously swallowed some vaccine-infused jizz.
Jenny McCarthy Says She’s Not Anti-Vaccine
America’s Surgeon General (in her air-filled head) and Kristin Cavallari’s anti-vaxxing hero Jenny McCarthy has shat up book after book about how her son Evan got autism from vaccines and she “healed” his autism with a gluten-free diet or whatever. If you need to be reminded about the anti-vaccine fuckery that has spilled out of the talking anus slit on Jenny’s face, here’s what she said to CNN a few years ago:
“People are also dying from vaccinations. Evan, my son, died in front of me for two minutes. You ask any mother in the autism community if we’ll take the flu, the measles, over autism and day of the week. I think they need to wake up and stop hurting our kids.”
But now, Jenny has jumped on her damage control bike and is back peddaling in an op-ed piece for The Chicago-Sun Times. Jenny still believes that doctors shot her son up with autism, but she writes that she’s never hissed at vaccines the way all of us hiss at her when she opens up her mouth. Jenny writes that she sits in the “gray zone” and she’s not totally against vaccines:
I am not “anti-vaccine.” This is not a change in my stance nor is it a new position that I have recently adopted. For years, I have repeatedly stated that I am, in fact, “pro-vaccine” and for years I have been wrongly branded as “anti-vaccine.”
My beautiful son, Evan, inspired this mother to question the “one size fits all” philosophy of the recommended vaccine schedule. I embarked on this quest not only for myself and my family, but for countless parents who shared my desire for knowledge that could lead to options and alternate schedules, but never to eliminate the vaccines.
She went on to spit out something that proves my scientific theory that massive amounts of Botox can eat the memory chip in a ho’s brain:
This is what I believe:
I believe in the importance of a vaccine program and I believe parents have the right to choose one poke per visit. I’ve never told anyone to not vaccinate. Should a child with the flu receive six vaccines in one doctor visit? Should a child with a compromised immune system be treated the same way as a robust, healthy child? Shouldn’t a child with a family history of vaccine reactions have a different plan? Or at least the right to ask questions?
I will continue to say what I have always said: “One size does not fit all.” God help us all if gray is no longer an option.
Translation: “Rolling with the anti-vaxxers was fucking with my money.”
So for years, Dr. FakeTits McAntiVax here has been screaming about how vaccines are the devil’s jizz and now she’s suddenly anti-vax lite. Okay, bitch. But Jenny better watch it, because if she then writes an op-ed piece about how she doesn’t think vaccines gave her kid autism, she’s totally going to get fired from The View. Because The View wants nothing to do with women who don’t spit out batshit craziness.
Here’s Jenny peddling some canned drink in NYC the other day.
